Oh God. I didn't even realize it was Friday the 13th until I just typed in that date. Good thing I'm not superstitious. Feel okay today. I feel hungover, but I feel okay emotionally. This amazing guy I know always told me that you feel better when you make decisions. He's talking about a few major decisions I need to make, but nonetheless, I feel better about having made a few little ones. I going to do a little bartending again to bring some money in. Then I have my days to figure out what I'm going to do. I can look for a real job, but still can't actually do that until I make a few of those other big decisions I was talking about.

I've been feeling a bit more motivation to think about music again. It's like I took this hiatus from it or something, but I'm feeling closer to it again. I remember I had wrote something before in February, but I can't remember how it went, and I don't think I wrote it down, which is a shame.

So, the cable guy is here. We're getting real cable with a real cable box. I've been living with lines through my TV, no channel 7, and just general unpredictabilility. This is very exciting. Even though I've sworn to read more, it's nice to know I'm connected to HBO. I also have less wires running through my house because the guy is running it the way it's supposed to be, through the walls. Wow, I can't wait to channel surf.

This John Edward book has been putting me in a strange mood these past couple of days. I don't know, maybe just too much thought on death, but it's more than that. All this talk about the spiritual plane, of spirit guides constantly giving us direction. It has me thinking so much more about intuition, about when I feel I should do something, when I feel I should call someone and the reason. The book has challenged my ideas of fate, of everything happening for a reason. In some aspects, it really makes me believe that everything we do, everything that happens is guided. Even death is not meant to be stopped sometimes. However, if you can't pick up on spirit guides, you can make a wrong decision. John speaks to these spirits who often have him tell their loved ones they are on the right path. This implies that there is indeed a wrong path, and we are very capable to taking it. I think I have very little intuition. I don't think my spirit guides like me that much if I do indeed have them, which makes me wonder if everything I do happens for a reason, or if I have made and am going to make some wrong decisions. Now there is so much more in question. I can't think that everything will be alright because these guides could be telling me something, and I don't obey because I'm not sure if my doubt is my guide telling me to do something else, and then poof - I'm doing the wrong thing. I would actually be on a WRONG path. What happens then? Does that mean I'd be unhappy? Does that mean I'll never fulfill my dreams? Does that mean so many thing are not lessons, just mistakes, just wasted time? See, this is a bad time in my life to lose faith that whatever decision I make will be the right one because fate had me chosing it. Then fate didn't have my chose it. Fate led me to the place where I had to make a decision, and I could have made the wrong one. Now I have little confidence in the questions I'm even asking myself about these issues.

Maybe there are many ways to get where you are supposed to go. Maybe it's what it all adds up to, not the individual steps. Maybe it's like Maria says in Sound of Music - When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window. Maybe I was supposed to get into music through Arista while I was in NYC. Since that didn't work out, maybe I'll still go into music a different way. Look at a map, there are always multiple routes to take. Some are longer. Some are shorter. Some are scenic. Some a dangerous. Some are tolled. Maybe life has options and taking any one of them can get us where we need to go. Maybe there aren't wrong paths, just unfavorable routes to the right place.

I'm not sure. I feel like there are regrets to be had. I think we definitely make mistakes, but things might have a way of working themselves out as long as you keep an open mind, stay passionate about living a good life, don't sacrifice what you care about. Stay true to yourself. Stop making excuses.

There will be times when you'll feel split. I know I feel that way right now. I want everything, but sometimes you have to make things balance. I can't decide what's right. I don't know if the reasons for either decision are made up to make me feel better. I'm not sure what I really want. I know what i'm afraid of. I know what I don't want a bit more. I want everything, and I don't like not being able to have it all. I don't know, my mind is so scrambled.

I have a busy weekend. Shindig tonight at my house, but I won't be partying that hard. I need to get to bed hella early to drive five to six hours to the Jersey shore for a friend's birthday. Long time to be alone with no CD player. Pray the radio is feeling creative tomorrow. Then up to my dad's for some father/daughter time with lobsters and wine. Then my ass comes all the fucking way up to Boston to rest up and NOT eat the day before my surgery because, as my doctor puts it, I don't want the food or liquid in my stomach to come up during surgery and go into my lungs. That enormous dot, dot, dot hung in the air, and I mentally filled in the "and drown you." Great. I can't wait to have gapping holes in my mouth, a puffy face, and the inability to eat anything other than soup and ice cream for a week.

Not, Cara is on Jenny Jones right now and I'm missing it because the cable guy hasn't actually hooked us up yet. Jenny Jones is a sad human being, can we all agree? Do I have to find her to remind her that she is not 16 and hasn't been for quite some time? Not, I'm starting to really resent this cable guy for making me miss that.

I can hear the cable guy now. He's on the phone with someone. Apparently, something has gone terribly wrong. That's not good.

Okay, all is kind of fixed, i and I think the guy has left, which is bad because something is wrong with the menu. It doesn't tell you everything that's on. Annoying. Well, I'm going to post this now. If I write more, I'll add it up top.