Coral called me and kindly told me that I was on some list as one of the most annoying people in the world. As she laughed heartily, each chuckle bubbling up from within the depths of her soul, she reminded me that she thought I was cool. I'm not completely sure why people continue to tell me "you suck" stories and think I'll laugh it up. Not sure what people think I'm made of, but I'm pretty sure I do not like to know, at least for a fact, how many thousands or millions of people out there think I'm lame. However, I turned out to be the big asshole in this situation as I went on the internet to find this damn list so that it could weigh over my head how "unliked" I am. Let's tack another frustration on the board of insecurity, shall we? I find it, and there sits the most unflattering picture, which HAD to make me laugh. I mean, it was pretty fucking funny. Then there was a list about what makes me annoying. Blah, blah, blah, my using the show for a singing career. Right. Ahhh…but it was worth it, my having all my millions now as a singernot. However, they do give a list of what is NOT annoying about the person, and it was very flattering indeed. I saw Madonna on Larry King Live saying that you can't go out there looking for compliments as well as insults because you don't want to be emotionally affected by what anyone says because it makes you eager for more flattery and more vulnerable to the insults. I'm no celebrity, but I think that's a good lesson for everyone. I didn't follow it though. Not to worry, I'm nearly forgotten and in a matter of time, I'll be buried away deep under the piles of discarded memories along with bad episodes of Dawson's Creek and what you did on a Wednesday night in 1987.

Can we talk about Listerine now? You know when you wake up on a morning when your mouth feels particularly disgusting? It tastes horrible and if feels and smells like some rodent crawled into your mouth in the middle of the night and died while passing gas. Then you go pour all this cold, tickling Listerine in there, and it's actually like the commercial. You imagine all these cartooned bacteria living around your teeth like algae and it all popping and disappearing as the Listerine races past it, disinfecting everything in its path. Aaahh…so nice. I love it.

Ugh…my mood went again. I don't know what the deal is with me. I guess I'm just trying to readjust to being home. I've been up and out so much, going all over the place, and now I'm hear for an extended period of time, and I guess I'm just feeling…strange, I can't find the word.

I don't like to talk to people about this audition for Guiding Light. I don't like making big deals out of anything that isn't…real for me. This is just something fun that I get to do for a reason that I don't know, and right now you know as much about it as I do. You know the whole damn story.

I'm back to work as a bartender. I think I'll do better this time around. I trained with Laura the other day to remind me of how to deal with people, how to make the drinks, how to work the cash register. Damn credit cards are so confusing on that machine. It'll be nice to have that money coming in. I'm really looking forward to that. I'm sure I'll have plenty of good stories from it too. I think it'll be okay. I don't know how long I'll be at it, but I'm getting worried about my age. I know I'm young, but I'm nearly 24, and that starting to sound older to me. I don't mean that I'm old, but I feel like at 24 I should be at least studying or training to do something specific that is not in service. I feel like I should be trying to be a doctor, a scientist, an accountant. If I bartend for two years, then what do I do?

I'm gonna get a vocal coach. Did I tell you? Don't know who yet, I need to do a lot of research, but I'm rusty, and I need some help. I bet they're really expensive. That's the only issue I have.

Oh, I'm nearly done with Harry Potter Goblet of Fire. I should be since I started it a million years ago. Had to listen to the tapes for it on my cross country drive just so I could get caught back up to wear I left off. It's a big book. Anyway, I got going and I'm only 30 pages away to the very end, and I don't want to finish it. I will, but I hate finishing a book, it's so sad. You put so much time and thought into these characters, into this story, and then poof. Just one little period at the end of one sentence and the adventure is over. You have to find another book real fast or you'll be watching TV until you die. I HATE starting a book. I can never get into it. Who is this? Who are you? How old are you? Who are you talking to? What's going on? You don't really start at the beginning. You start in the middle of someone's life and you need to dig around and be patient and watch while you figure out what the fuck is going on. It's completely disorienting, and I don't like that. Once I'm a good twenty pages in, I feel better. I feel like I'm a part of it, but there's nothing worse then opening to that first fucking page. It's like when you're writing a paper and that blank screen is so damn white, and the cursor is blinking at you like some asshole winking on the street. "Now what? Now what? Now what?" it says as you sit there wondering what the first sentence should be of this ten page paper blindly stretching before you, a path that has not yet been carved. Shit, I wish I had a paper to write. I'd feel like I was accomplishing something with my day.

I have to clean my room for the nine millionth time in two days. I don't know how this happens.