even later...

Okay, I feel much better. Went to the bar, had a good time. Turns out, I love dirty martinis and vodka tonics. I'm worried and stressed about a million things, but I don't feel like thinking about it right now. I guess I need to accept that life is at a down point. Things are not going my way, but hopefully, soon they will.

Wish me luck tomorrow.

little later...

I feel better. I've been watching some Will and Grace outtakes. I'm sorry, but outtakes are eternally funnier than whatever the program was intented to me. It's sort of how like catching a bomb is always funnier than the initial joke would have been had it been successful. I couldn't find much to laugh over myself, but thank to Will and Grace, I laughed with them. Watching other laughs, especially seriously genuine ones. Nothing makes me laugh more than genuine laughter. It's like that commercial about people's laughter. I dont' know what it's actually about, but the commerical makes me happy. There was this commercial once about babies, don't know what about babies, but it had a series of the little babies laughing, and they were absolutely cracking up. Don't know how you make a little baby laugh that hard, but it's impossible to be in a bad mood when you see that. Okay, so I'm going out tonight. Don't want to at all, do NOT know why I'm going, but I'm going. If I have a bad time, I come home. Let's hope for the best.

I start work tomorrow. Getting scared.

Earlier today...

Well, another miserable day for me. I thought it would be good, I really did, but somehow, it went to complete shit. I feel horrible and irritated, so I guess I should just assume that I'll always feel that way, so when I have a nice day, it can be like a gift rather than an expectation. I just need something to go smoothly. Anything. Even when good things come up, they just complicate other things.

Example - I got a call from One Life to Live. I don't know what the hell is going on here, but they want me to audition. Problem? Well, my Monday through Friday 10-6 job starts tomorrow, and NYC is four hours away, and auditions are always on a weekday. Great. So, I have a day I can go, but then I go away for a week and a half, so even if I were called back, I couldn't go. If I were called back on a day that I am back in Boston, I would then have to get off of work again, which would normally be okay, but I'm just starting tomorrow, and I have more conflicts in schedule than I have days that I can work, and they hired me under the pretense that I would be a regular face, a committed worker, and not at all flaky. This is again, all just bad timing. I can work everyday, I normally don't have conflicts, but now, this is their first impression of me. Then, because Oly got me the job, he's all worried that I'm making him look bad. So, do I not follow through with an audition that could lead me to the opportunity to have real money, to be on a soap opera, to have this steady job for two years at least because I don't want to look bad to my boss at the bar - a place I'm only working because I have nothing else going on in my life? No, but the fact is, I'm probably not getting this part. My resume has my high school musicals on it, I have no headshot, and...oh wait, I don't act. It's a gamble. Do I risk my job for the change at a better job? I hate looking bad for a boss, though, you know? It's not like me. I've rarely been late to class my whole life. I'm extremely dedicated, but this month...it's just been crazy, so I don't look good. I don't look as committed as I am. Maybe I'm not that committed if I'm auditioning for shit while I have that job. Well, come on though, you're never supposed to pass up opportunities to keep the bar job. Everyone knows the bar job is just the job you have while you figure out something you can do that has a place to move up. Anyway, Oly's worried that I'm making him look bad because he got me the meeting with the boss at the bar. He's afraid my behavior reflects badly on him. I think he's taking it a little far, but I see what he's thinking. Still, if bouncing at this bar was the only job he had, I don't think he's pass up an interview at a good computer company because he needed to check IDs that night. Whatever, it put me in a bad mood that doesn't seem to end this week. I just miss routine. I don't have a day of it.

My roommate just pointed out to me after having checked my site that I appear to be very negative. I had to inform him that I am negative and that I've been in a very bad moods recently. I have my good moods, I do. I was in a great mood this morning. I needed to buy shoes for work. They just need to be simple, black, and sort of shiny. Now, I need work shoes, not shoes to wear out, but shoes that fit that description and that will help me feel comfortable since I stand on my feet for over 40 hours a week for a living. So, I bought these hideous shoes that are like clouds embracing my toes. Why? They are Easy Spirits. Yes, I bought the shoes that had those commecials in the 80's of women playing basketball in pumps. They are so great. They are actually sneakers that have the front sort of disguised as real shoes, which is fine. That's the only part that is showing. I love them. I was quit giddy when I got them. Then, great news followed - an audition for a soap, which should make me happy, but instead has me feeling incredibly stressed because December is just so busy and messy. It's also wonderful because I'm doing wonderful things, but I'm trying to be responsible while NOT being stupid. "It's all about priorities" Oly says. I guess I haven't figured them out yet, and I'm not ready to compromise anything. I wish I could have you all vote for me: should I go to the audition or not. I think I know the answer, but it doesn't make it any easier when I have get someone to cover my shift. God, I'm annoyed.

Maybe I'll call the woman and ask her if I can just send in a tape. I don't know who I'd read with, I'm not comfortable doing any of that with any of my friends here. Fuck. I feel like shit.

And I might miss my sister's birthday dinner because I probably won't get out of work in time.

I'm trying to think what would relax me, what situation in life would make me feel comfortabe. I would like to live in one place and not have to leave it for a while. I would like a job that I could go to with no interruptions. I want a routine that leaves me feeling, secure. I guess that's the American Dream. So, what does that mean? Should I not try to accomplish that? I think things will be easier in about a year. They're just...horribly rocky right now. I guess my priority list is a little messy right now. I think everything is on it and in no particular order. I feel stressed all the time. There's so much I haven't figured out, and I hate making compromises when I don't anything I really love to do, you know? I'm glad I have this new job, but really, I mean, it is just bartending. It's not like I'm getting anywhere with it, it's just a skill I'm trying to develop so that I have something I can do for when I don't know what to do. It's hard to make sacrifices for this job, when all my friends have real jobs. I mean, my friend Jim works at Saks, and he has to work so many weekends that he wouldn't want to work. He has to make serious sacrifices all the time. He'll probably have to work on Christmas because people go shopping that day for last minute stuff. And people who don't celebrate Christmas need something to do. He doesn't want to make those sacrifices either, and he doesn't know that this is what he wants to do with his life. I guess I need to take this job more seriously. I guess I need to put everything second to it. My resume is not very good. I don't think I have many good references outside of school. Ugh. Not feeling very great about that.

<sigh> I need to stop writing. I feel myself spiraling even deeper into this, and it is getting uglier. I think anything will set me off, and I've complained enough for one evening.

I'm going to leave this tribute to Erin Dunlevy up for a few days:

Let me tell you all a little about my friend Erin. She and I have been friends since seventh grade - it was tenth grade though when it really took off. Erin has always been one of the most talented, well-read, well-spoken, educated, enthusiastic, passionate, emotionally-developed, loyal, pleasant, charming, unbelievably hysterical, witty, stylish, tasteful, artistic, sensitive, embracing, non-judgmental, life-embracing, wonderful women I've ever known. She has always been an individual. She has a love for the stage, and now her stage is in the classroom. She teaches Spanish in a NYC high school, and she cares about her students and their well-being in a way that can change the course of those kids lives like no one else may be able to around them. She is wise and uses this knowledge of the heart and world to better the planet and everyone on it. She knows Shakespeare like he wrote his works for her, and she giddily accepts the lows of pop culture as well. She parties like a rock star and relaxes like a royalty. She always knows how to make me laugh. She has the best slumber parties. When it comes to wine nights, she's a personal favorite of mine. She's been a continuous source of inspiration, and someone worthy of having her birthday remembered. A Happy Birthday to Miss Erin. Sorry for the delay.