Hi.

I don't feel good. I don't know. I feel...bad. I feel shaky and pissy.

I went to the gym today, so that's good. I'm way out of shape. It was good to go, I haven't been there in a while.

God, I feel so goddamn emotional and uncomfortable. I feel ready to pick a fight. I'm mad, and I'm in the mood to stay mad. You ever feel that way? I feel like getting someone really pissed off. No, I feel like making someone someone feel guilty. I feel like making someone apologizing. Not even, I'm actually feeling like going to bed angry. I think I kind of like my dreams when I go to bed mad. It's strange. It's like, I go to bed feeling all sorry for myself, hating the world, feeling alone. I picture a giant, dark hole that goes eternally into nothingness, and I picture myself falling into it. I allow my heart to feel like it's sinking into my stomach, and that's how I drift off.

If you're talking to someone who's happy, who's trying to make you happy - you feel both angry and guilty. Part of you is telling you to swallow your pride and just be happy, but another part is feeling frustrated and angry, maybe with not even anything in particular. It's like you're angry that someone won't let you STAY pissy. The other part can't help but acknowledge how hard the person is trying, how patient, how forgiving.

When you feel yourself getting into a better mood, you're almost upset. I don't know why I would want to stay in a bad mood, I don't understand that feeling. I would almost try to upset the other person, so that they don't cheer me up, but if I do upset them, I feel guilty and sad. God, it's strange. I've felt it before. I hate it. It's quite upsetting. It's a problem when you're angry and getting cheered up makes you feel worse. Definitely a problem.

This computer is dying. I'm getting a computer for Christmas. It will be the single box under the tree in my name, and I couldn't be happier. Though Christmas is right around the corner, I don't think this one will last until then. This thing is aging in dog years. Everyday, it cranks a little slower, works a little harder, shows little results. It's a miserable situation.

I hate being in a bad mood. My mood was fine before. This sucks. I watched too much damn TV. It's very bad for the soul. If maybe my book could draw me in, but this master novel that everyone I know seems to swear by is boring the living shit out of me.