Wow, it's December. I don't know WHAT happened to November. This month was a complete and utter blur. 2002 was a blur. What a fantastic year. Of course, I'm comparing it to 2001, which was the death year. I'll discuss this more near New Years. November - just looked at a calender, and this month really did just breeze past me.

Today is a sit at home and watch E! day. It has some great shows on. I just watched the Beverly Hills 90210 True Hollywood Story, and 16 Candles is next. At 8pm is Saved By the Bell True Hollywood Story followed by a show on where childstars from the 80s ended up, like Winny from Wonder Years, Rudy from Cosby Show, Jennifer from Family Ties. Sounds good.

My moods are still a bit sensitive today. I'm fine right now, but I can be set off easily, and I hate knowing that. I was thinking about the issue of pride this morning and last night when I felt it dwindling. It's such a shitty feeling, and it is so powerful. I've read a million books, seen a millions shows and movies where people would hold on so tightly to their pride, that they would destroy relationships all around them. Fathers unable to forgive their sons, women not telling their men they love them, people holding their anger so close to their hearts that they waste their lives being alone. When forgiveness finally comes and issues are resolved, the people are so grateful to have passed that stage, but so sad that it took so long. I was in a bad mood last night, a mood too powerful and dramatic for the excuse I had to be upset, and though I knew it would be better to let it go, especially since the problem no longer existed, but I held onto my anger. I just wanted to stay mad, and I KNEW that it was some weird pride issue, but I wouldn't let it go. I couldn't. I felt the internal battle. "Let it go," "NO!" Back and forth in my heart. This was something small, something non-existent, I can admit that. I imagined what it would be like for people who had serious issues they need to drop. It feels almost good to stay angry, to hate. Stopping hatred and anger inside you feels like failure. You mistake this feeling for strength. You want to be right, not even caring how much pain you put yourself through. I wanted to stay mad last night, and I just couldn't swallow my anxiety. I couldn't. I tried. When I felt myself relaxing, I would think of thoughts that would lead me back into the state of anger. I've had this experience before. In highschool, I remember being with my friends Erin, Aine, and Annie at Annie's family beach house, and I got mad at them for something. I don't even remember what it was exactly. It was my car that we brought down the shore, so I had to drive everywhere, but I had no say in where we went. I think I wanted to do something that everyone else didn't, or maybe it was that I didn't want to do something that everyone else did. I was so angry and so upset, that I couldn't even look at them. We came back to the house and I whipped out my journal and started scribbling frantically in front of them - a passive-aggressive move that told them I was recording on paper how much they pissed me off, but refused to even look at them. They didn't sit around and try to make me feel better, obviously. They rolled their eyes, left the room, and most likely discussed how melodramatic and bratty I can be. They hung out with Annie's brother and his friends on the deck, and I could hear them laughing and having a great time from my bedroom. Part of me wanted to drop it and go upstairs because I knew I was wasting a whole night being angry. I wouldn't let it go though. I held tight to my convictions, and we all knew that I was the only one suffering because of it.

Well, my point is that I don't know what to do about these moods and how to control them. I always thought I was the type of person to swallow my pride to avoid such silly situations, but I guess I don't. You just don't want to, which is the strangest thing because why wouldn't you want to, you know?

I suppose it's an issue of self-control, and I really need to work on it. I'm at a strange time in my life. I'm feeling very unconnected and really scared about a lot of things. I need to finish that Thought and post it.

Okay, it's posted...it's scattered, but so am I: Real Life - Random Thought