Little later... (check earlier entry today)

Elimidate is on. That is one of my favorite shows I love to hate. I mean, this one girl said there was a fine line between trash and class. I thought about that. Is that line really thin? I think there's quite a thick line. In fact, I think a sea can come between trash and class. For example: if you're on Elimidate, you're definitely trashy. I'm sorry. A classy girl is not cool with a guy hooking up with several girls to decide you're the best. It's pretty clear. I mean, these girls don't even like him (how could you? This guy just said, "I have to chose one of you's," one of YOURSSSS...as in he thinks: singular - you, plural - yous) and yet they will put out oh so much to "win". What are you winning? I mean, I think if this guy picks you, it makes you the biggest loser. Maybe these chicks are looking for any sort of superlative. "I'm the sluttiest!" I think it would be cool if one girl was like, "Let me make this easier...you're fucking unattractive and repulsive. Chose between these sluts, I cannot BELIEVE I was talked into doing this shit." That would be cool.

Okay, so my roommates are playing Jenny from the Block at the highest volume that exists in the living room which is conveniently directly beneath my bedroom. Why does it always have to be a club in my house because one of my roommates has a DJ equipment? In fact, WHY does he even HAVE DJ equipment? Is he a DJ? I mean, why don't I just buy a trapeze, you know, in case Cirque De Solei is on my list of things to try one day? Apparently, there is some dude in my house who is looking for trouble. I heard this from one roommate. I swear to GOD, my living situation is more worthy of "Real World" than my actual Real World experience. Those who say the Real World isn't real has not lived with six strangers for real. This shit is crazy. Luckily, I'm professionally trained to live with...unconventional types.

Well, though I was not excited to go where I went tonight, i have to say that I enjoyed myself. My sister's boyfriend is in a rock band, and they really are good. Really good. He has a great voice, and the music is seriously capable of listening to, even for non-rock people. They have actual melodies, not just screaming. It was fun.

So, I have to go to a meeting tomorrow for work. Interestingly enough, they did not call me, I just heard about it through Oly, who works there as well. I wonder what the situation would be he had NOT IMed me today. I wouldn't know about it. I mean, I feel weird showing up when I'm sort of half fired here. It's at 9:30am on a Saturday, I mean, come the fuck on. I really shouldn't go. I was not informed. They did not tell Oly to tell me. This is bullshit. I really shouldn't go. Oly says to go, but I shouldn't. They wouldn't even know.

So, I got a little tipsy tonight, and I mean that literally. I did NOT get drunk, just to that tipsy where you feel like talking to strangers. So there I am, at Dunkin Donuts getting my medium VC and there are two cops in front of me. Their fucking guns are RIGHT THERE. Their LOADED guns. So scary. I just saw Bowling for Columbine, and I have a whole new feeling about guns. I think about how much danger they can do to people who know nothing about it. I mean, I swear, I could have grabbed it and shot him before his partner could put together it was me. I mean, it's me, I don't look dangerous. That's the point. Life is THAT fragile and unexpected. It scared me how easy it is. Someone could get hurt or in serious trouble. Well, I wanted to talk to these men about it. I wanted to tell them what I was feeling after seeing that movie, but I knew I would be tipsy-talking, so I kept it inside. That was a big feat.

I'm not feeling very good right now. I'm feeling torn and upset. I love the idea of making normal money one day being a normal, everyday person, having nothing to do with Real World or MTV at all. At the same time, I'm fucking poor. I mean, I'm pathetic and poor. I just see so many of these damn Real Worlders and Road Rulers making some enormous living off of these programs from speaking engagements to mall appearances to...fucking anything, and here I am - penny-less and getting sadder by the damn day because I was not notorious or controversial enough to be considered "entertaining" and worthy of pay. So, these people live in their enormous apartments, go on vacations, and have elaborate lives because they are LIVING off being Real Worlders, and here I am, sad because I got fired from my $5 a day job and pissed because I can't buy all the Christmas presents that I want to buy for all my friends and loved ones. I don't understand. Why was I even chosen for this stupid show if no one wanted anything to do with me? It's not like I want to live off of rehashing the past and being a professional reality star, but it would be nice to have money coming in for nothing like EVERYONE ELSE in my position. I feel like the reject of the BMP clan. It's so strange. And it's not like I would go back in time and be more of an asshole or camera whore, but it's just frustrating that I get nothing from it, you know? It's just kind of hard to think about. It's not easy when other people are cleaning up and getting cash, and I'm sitting around harping about the emotional damage and recovery and having not a dime in my bank account to even show for it. I feel a little sick when I think about it. I feel disappointed. What if you graduated college and everyone got offered a job for going to that school but you? You'd wonder why you paid the price of that school if you were going to get no cash from it in the end. Is it all about money? Of course not, but when you have none, and people are getting it when you're not for doing exactly what you did - it starts to feel like it's all about the money. Absolutely.

I'm feeling a little upset and scared right now. I don't feel like writing anymore.