little later...

I'm not feeling to great. I'm feeling pretty fucking horrible, honestly.

You know those days when everything starts spiraling downward, and you're pretty sure it's only going to get worse, and then it does, and then when you think someone will help you feel better, you end up feeling worse? Well, welcome to my day. It was great.

I should have known. A day that starts with a pet having died in your bedroom could never go all that much better. Everything went pretty rotten. I just couldn't get things together. I had to pick something up at a store. I ran in, and when I got back out, which was three minutes later tops, I had a $40 ticket on my car. You know what I cannot afford? $40 speeding tickets. See, this is all AFTER I've been sobbing my eyes out over my unfortunate work schedule and my ruined holiday next week of which I had been looking forward to for several months. I swear, I'll never enjoy a New Years. Can't even remember what I did last year. Oh yeah, wasn't that great. See, why do I bother? I should reserve New Years Eve for having a shitty time, just so I don't have to be disappointed year after year after year with plans join spoiled or whatever else happens that just crushes the day into depressing uselessness. I mean, what is the fucking point, anyway? It's just a stupid day. It's like a St. Patrick's Day without the clover. It's an excuse to get drunk and make noise. Nothing happens, it doesn't feel different. It was cool when I was little. I liked the decorations, I loved the noise makers. We had parties at my house, and we'd get those plastic wine cups where you pop on the bottom part thingy. The countdown was huge to me. When you hit one, there would be this explosion of excitement and happiness, but without that room full of people, and with no TV on, the minute slips past as quietly as the rest. All that changes is having to remember to write '03 when writing the date instead of '02. I really thought this year would be different. I thought this would be the one New Years I would never forget. But alas, responsibility calls and I have to work. Maybe next year.

So, things just got...annoyingly bad. I can't really go into it because believe it or not, a lot of things I keep personal, but I'm in the mood to bitch.

I'm done being upset with whomever was upsetting me. However, now I feel exhausted from it. You know? I want to go rent Beauty and the Beast for some reason, but I know I should read. Maybe if I read a book where something fucking happened, it wouldn't feel so goddamn much like homework. I'm just not a big fan of A Prayer for Owen Meany. I don't what my friends and family say. This is not my kind of literature. I'm going to finish the motherfucker if it kills me. What I NEED is a cup of tea, but for those of you who have seen my house, that kitchen makes me want to bullet in my head. It's just so uncomfortable that you can't imagine that a nice cup of tea could come out of it.

I heard today that one guy won the $175 million lottery. Is that true? Was it really that much? Okay, let's say that with taxes taken out, you only end up seeing 40% of that. You still have $40 million. FORTY MILLION DOLLARS. My sister and I discussed what we would do if we had that. I began by talking about a new apartment, and she looked at me with a weird face and said I'd just buy a house. What the hell would I do with a house right now? I don't want to be wondering around my very own dining room and living room and den all by myself in a some drafty house. No. I would buy a great apartment, so when I moved into a house later, I could rent out that apartment. Anyway, she thought that giving $3 million to each sister and mom would be sufficient. Dad would get some millions as well. So, basically, we're all okay now for life. We'd sit down with our accountant and have a long talk. Obviously, trust funds are going all over the place - I want security. I don't want a fancy car, but I want one that fucking drives well and is safe. No BMW or any of that crap, just a good, solid, cute car. Nice furniture, obviously. And investments. I think I'd have to go real estate, there is so much money in that, but you have to start with some cash first. I'm trying to think of what else would work for me. See, I need to use that money to set up something that keeps money rolling in. Hmm...vacations, vacations, vacations. Time to see the world and take someone who lives at 34 Iguana Ave to see it with me. See EVERYTHING and go EVERYWHERE. That would be so nice.

I'm upset about this schedule thing. I just feel so upset that I'm all cried out. I'm just so tired now. I mean, I feel worn out from it. I'm angry about so many things, and I don't know how to relax and feel good about my day. I know that things in life could be worse. I KNOW it. It's just hard to not recognize when things could be better. I'm going to go read this crap and see if I start to give a shit at some point.