It's amazing how differently your mind works when you manage to turn the TV off for a few hours. I now understand why my parents refused to even entertain my pleas for a TV in my bedroom growing up. For some reason, I thought it was just a brilliant idea back then, now, I know why my children will also not have one in their room. God, when they say it rots your brain, they're really not kidding. I'll watch it sometimes even when nothing good is on and I hate what I'm currently watching. I'll sit there and hate it, but not turn it off.

Between the hours of noon and 3pm, the sun beams through my window and fills my whole room with light and warmth - something not easily done when all walls are painted various shades of deep purple. It was so cozy in here, that I turned the TV off, whipped out Owen Meany and found myself enjoying it. Again, little is happening, but I'm definitely feeling for the characters.

Owen is getting really into JFK, so the book takes a slightly political turn. His flashback is discussing JFK, his presence is pissed about Reaghan, and nearly every scene is taking place in a classroom or just the school somewhere. I started to miss school again, but this time, not BC. I started to miss Oak Knoll. I've always looked back onto high school and middle school very fondly, not because it was just a time of happiness and laughter, but because every single thing that happened back then was life or death. Every moment was so important. Each moment was one you lived IN, something I don't think I do very often these days. I know I've discussed this before, but it just seems like in high school, you never think farther than one week. I feel like after college, you can't ever think about this week because you're too worried about five years from now. Well, anyway, Owen and Johnny and Johnny as an adult are having all these in class debates over so many issues and so much literature, analyzing metaphors, finding meaning and purpose, arguing with other classmates who read it differently. All these memories became so vivid from high school. I could imagine the feel of Connelly Hall, the sound of my feet on the dirty carpeting of Grace Hall, how my legs felt when I first began to warm up in Tisdall Hall in the dance studio. I remember how heavy my backpack was. It was a black LL Bean bag with my initials embroidered on it - LT. Everyone thought that was funny because of Lawrence Taylor, an athlete to whom this day I do not know nor care about. I remember how important my organizer was, the one I still use to this day. I remember how comforting it felt those days you came into class actually having done all the assigned reading. My world was so small, but it felt so big. It was a nice feeling.

It was not just the feeling of the classroom that Owen Meany had me contemplating. It was the issues of politics. I've never had much interest in politics. Just never did. I didn't care much for history either. Actually, that's not completely true. I thought the history itself was interesting. I liked the stories, the mysteries, the vacillation in power. I still think that whole "The sun never sets on the British Empire" thing is really intriguing, and I really wish I had paid more attention back then. I just hated the tests, the papers, the memorizing. I'm good at memorizing, and tests are not that bad, but papers. Ugh. I just sucked at history papers. The ended up being more like Britannica reports than papers. I thought they were impossible. When tests were in essay form - forget it. If there is one thing I cannot do - it's bullshit. I have to know it because I cannot fake it.

Well, my interest in politics is starting to grow. Slowly, but I can feel it. Obviously, after 9/11 I was completely confused. I don't know what's going on or why, but I do know that the whole world seems to hate Americans or fear us so pretend to not hate us, and there has to be a reason. I mean, I know there are reasons, I just don't know what they all are exactly. Well, now that World War III seems around the corner, and I have to deal with people I love becoming soldiers and leaving me, I'm desperate to know more, and I can't imagine where to begin. I feel like if you don't remember everything you learned ever in your whole life in every subject, you couldn't begin to understand what's going on today. I mean, it's not like politics and government are isolated from every other subject. I mean, I feel like I need to know the history of every country and all their relationships. I need to know the influence of art through the ages, the history of science and great discoveries. How could I learn about everything that's been going on in the Middle East? I don't know, but I have to learn soon because I am not going to be in the dark. Yes, I know, it's pathetic that I've been in the dark so far, but I have been, and that's that.

I emailed my mom to forward to some links of articles for me to begin. She wrote me today saying "Bush is rattling war drums very loudly now." Her brother, my uncle Bob (aka Father Barone), knows everything there is to know about that world out there. He's been traveling over there several times a year for more years than I count, and he knows people everywhere who tell him what's really going on that our media may not inform us of. Maybe I need to start to learn through him. It's not looking too good for the world from his perspective either, and I'm having a really hard time accepting the idea that life will be very terrifying rather than confusing and annoying. God, I remember how I enjoyed ignorance so much. Reality is unbelievably hideous.

I'm going to go.