I really wanted to get up earlier than 12:30pm, but I found it particularly hard today. I find it hard everyday, but that's only because I go to bed at 4am. See, I did the math, and I'm really not being lazy. I'm having a typical workday, but it's in a different hour rotation. I worked for nine hours yesterday. I got home from work at 11:30pm. 9-5ers get home at 5:30 (roughly). The ones I know go to bed around 11ish, 11:30, so that means they stay up for around 6 hours after they get home from work. If I stay up for 6 hours after I get home, that's 5:30am, so really, I'm getting to bed early. Those people get up at 6am. I get up around noon. My schedule is just like everyone else's, but mine feels lazier. Hmmm...

Okay, so though I could discuss this in Battle of the Sexes region of the site, it really doesn't merit that kind of finality. I wanted to mention that whole comment in the preshow about my actively working on not caring what people think of me. Yeah, I've been working, but I've concluded that they only way to not care is to not know. I stopped searching for insults, which is a much harder feat than one knows. Not caring at all - just not me, and this is something I have discussed and saved on a Random. I don't like confrontation, I don't like insults, I don't handle criticism well. There ya go. Sure, I'm trying though. I'm trying to get better at it.

Back to the topic I always talk about:
It's hard to imagine ever having a real job and a normal life where I earn more than I spend, where I can make every payment on time, where my bank account isn't always at a critical point in a desperate need for deposit.

I'm trying to figure out what's important. Do I just want money, or do I want stability of a different kind? If it were just about money, I could have sold myself around for speaking engagements, got involved in every argument on every show to gain exposure, camera time, notoriety. I could have forged a living off of being a Real Worlder. It's not a continuous living, but if you're the kind of person who loves being nothing else but a RW, you could make thousands and thousands of money. I just checked out Julie's site to read her response to the first episode, and she talked about she and Melissa having made tens of thousands of dollars of RW speaking gigs. What??? That's unbelievable. So, I thought - did I want a lot of money that involved traveling and talking about the Real World? Of course I want money like that, and if schools were calling me every day, how could I resist easy money like that? But to PURSUE it, to do all the work myself, it's just different. Then you're begging to be nothing but a Real Worlder. If you're going to work to get it, might as well use that energy to do something past it - a real, normal, self-respecting living.

I've gained a lot of comfort in my position right now. I can't do much more than waitress over the next few months, but that doesn't mean that I should just sit around when I'm not serving. I have a lot of free time, and sitting around watching TV cannot be my only hobby. I need to read up on things, do research, build some skills. I should read up on real estate. I should learn how to do powerpoint. People who want more out of life have to work for it. You have to be DRIVEN. Driven people get what they want. People like me just end up with what they get - and feel sorry for ourselves that we weren't "given" more. School is the only thing I ever worked hard at - tried to get the A always. That drive is still in me, and I need to apply it to something else.

Anyway, I'm feeling tired and my day feels packed with activities that I can't seem to fit into place. I would have liked to go to the gym and lift, but I HAVE to do Yoga. I need to be really good at it because we have some promotions going on, and though I can do it, I don't know if I'm at performance quality. Also, I need the stretch. I feel cramped up and tight and I think I have a lot of anxiety just trapped between my muscles that I need to release. I do love Yoga, it's just so goddamn hard.