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I slept until
2:15pm today, which is seriously disgusting. I feel gross about
it. I don't know what was up. I had a series of bullshit dreams
that made no sense leaving me feeling more exhausted than rested.
But at least my fish seem back to normal. Who knew you could
cure fish? Usually, they get the tiniest cough and then they
give up and die on you.
I'm feeling a bit crazy because I can't find my remote for my
cable. I've never lost it before, so I don't know what the hell
could have happened with it. I hate that it's missing simply
out of principle. I hate losing things, but I know it's a sign
anyway. I shouldn't be turning that shit on. I have about five
books I'm supposed to be reading right now, and I'm not even
in the mood to watch TV. What is up with that anyway? Why do
I love having the TV on even if I HATE everything that's on
it. I'll sit there, not enjoying a damn thing I see, even feeling
worse and worse just letting that flickering nonsense eat away
at my soul, but I'll leave it on. I'll leave it on until I find
something that makes me happy. Why do that when I have a perfectly
good Pat Conroy I haven't finished, not to mention the fact
that Owen Meany is still waiting for me to know the rest of
his life.
I always had a theory that I put books down on purpose, that
it wasn't even about my attention span or being bored. I know
I've mentioned this before, but there is something so sad about
finishing a book. Some people feel proud and accomplished when
they've completed a novel, but I feel like all those characters
were people in my life that just died. They no longer exist.
You know all there is to know about them, and your relationship
with them is over. You can go back and read it again, but it's
not the same. I can see why Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates in Misery)
goes crazy and forces the author to bring Misery back. I mean,
this woman had a long relationship with this character, and
now this man killed her. The author is literally the God of
a literary character. He is the Creator. He knows the future,
the past, and the present. He breathes life into these fictional
friends, and he can take it away. Most of us would pin down
God and torture him into bringing our loved ones back if we
could figure out how. In this case, she did.
Either way, it's embarrassing how long it takes me to finish
a book. I'm starting to wonder if I should not have cable the
next place I live. I don't know. TV really can be great. It
can be evil, but it can be really really great.
Other than that, what else is going on...
Not too much. I feel like I've been racing around like a freak
trying to get my life together. I have a lot of things on the
table, a lot of investments I'm beginning to make. I'm starting
to feel like I'm figuring out how to piece together the parts
of life that always just fell into place before. I feel like
I'm taking control. I would feel much more in control if I had
more money. I'm working on it.
I'm starting to feel my mouth water imagining the taste of success.
I'm feeling extraordinarily capitalistic recently, and I'm racing
to come up with ideas for a business. I want to have several
careers, supplement income. I'm rubbing my hands together and
getting my ass in gear with things that should have all taken
place a year ago, but I was emotionally scattered. I'm getting
a grip, and I feel myself becoming charged with enthusiasm to
become a responsible adult. I'm so eager to be really proud
of myself by actually doing something smart and steady. Things
like these shows and all that flashy crap - it doesn't make
you feel proud. I mean, you feel confused, excited - in a whirlwind,
but not proud. No one can feel proud about just being themselves
separate from what we do with ourselves. I mean, I can't be
proud that I was "picked" for a show. What's to be
proud about? I didn't do anything. I just answered some questions
and they asked me to live in a house. I need to do something,
to take care of myself, to make things happen on my own - THEN
I can be proud, and THAT'S what I want, that's what I crave,
that's what I've longed for.
Seriously though, where is that clicker?
Work - this was what I started to write about last night, but
got too exhausted to finish. I was feeling pretty exhausted
yesterday. I started to not only feel pissed about waitressing,
but I started to feel sad. Granted, I'm in the heart of Emotional
Week of the month, I still felt like I was seeing things clearly.
That's the tricky thing about PMSing, you don't feel like you're
being emotional for no reason, but the opposite - you feel like
you finally understand things that you just couldn't see, and
with it - you realize how much there is to be upset about. It's
like Buffy the Vampire Slayer - the movie, not the show. PMS
was her biggest defense. She would get cramps, and know that
the bad guy was nearby. When I'm PMSing, I feel like I can see
the darkness of reality with such clarity that it's a wonder
I ever stop crying at all.
I just hated everything my job was about. I hated the fact that
how well I did that night was up to how generous or stingy other
people felt like being. I know I'm a broken record on this,
but it never ceases to amaze me, so I can't seem to stop talking
about it. I hated that I was running around after people all
night. I hated that my job was based off of people's opinion
of me, and I started to wonder if I was being retroactive in
my pursuit of self-acceptance. I mean, it's a fact that I spent
a year too fucked up in the head after my show because of how
affected I was by other people's opinions of me. After using
this site as therapy and coming to some conclusions about myself
- I realized that I will never be able to not care, and as long
as I'm the type of person to give a shit about what other people
think - the only escape is to avoid knowing what people think.
So, how then am I working in a career that involves nothing
other than other people's opinions?
I've been witnessing horror story after horror story about evil
patrons. The other night, a newer server at the restaurant had
approached her table over and over to ask this one girl who
was without a drink is she needed anything. "No, I'm good,
thanks," she would reply in a snotty tone. The server approached
them so often that she felt like she was annoying them, so just
stuck to coming up every once and a while, and walking by enough
for them to hail her down if they needed. By 1:10am (we close
at 1am), the girl ran up to the manager and complained that
she's been wanting a drink all night, but the waitress never
came to offer her one. The server was dumbfounded and shocked.
"I've been going over there all night, she said she was
fine!" Then this bitch complains to management to try to
get her server fired??? What kind of bullshit IS that???
And the examples are endless. I don't even have the energy to
be funny about it. It's just plain annoying to me tonight.
Also, I wanted to mention something that I don't think has been
clear. I am not some snob that refuses to be approached about
my experience on the show. I have no problem being approached
by someone who wants to say hi or something. I just get really
stressed out when it happens while I'm working. Obviously, it's
going to. I work at a bar/restaurant where I see strangers all
day everyday and they are getting wasted, rapidly losing inhibitions,
tact, and sometimes respect. Can I blame people? No. Of course
I can't, but I also have to get a job done, and it's hard job.
For those of you who wait tables or work at bars, think about
how busy you are on a Saturday night. You're running around
like a madman, you're trying to get everyone everything they've
asked for in record time because your tip depends on how quick
your service is. When I'm trying to push my way through a room
packed shoulder to shoulder with wasted smokers who are haphazardly
flinging their cigarettes into my face as they laugh and scream
at each other, it's difficult to entertain fans of the show
with a smile. It really is. You just can't. You don't have time.
You're so busy, and you don't really want to be rude, but you
just can't get the job done if you stop to talk to people. The
other night, the two sweetest girls on the planet came up to
talk to me about the show. It was 11:55pm, and the kitchen closes
at midnight. A table of 10 came in starving and threw me an
enormous order of appetizers, steaks, burgers, soups - the works.
I knew the kitchen had probably cleaned up everything, and they
would be SO PISSED when they saw they'd have to open up everything
to cook all this food five minutes before they could run out
of there. Still, I had this order of something like 12 plates
that I needed to get in in five minutes. These girls come up
and start asking me questions. It was obvious how adorable these
girls were, and though they were asking me a million questions
as though we were having some in depth sit-down conversation,
I couldn't be mad at them, but I also could not focus on them
at all. I'm staring at the computer screen, typing in all the
orders frantically, and I'm like, "Oh, what? Oh...um...hold
on...I'm...I'm from New Jersey."
"What part?"
"Um...let's see, burger, Medium Rare...oh, Essex County.
sub soup. Message c-h-o-w-d-e-r..."
"That's
cool! I think my friend is from New Jersey. What town in Jersey
are you from?"
"Pasta...Chicken alla Milanese...Oh,
from....Roseland? Filet au Poive...Well done...which sides,
which sides did he want??"
"I love the show,
so how far do you get on it? Is Ellen really like that?"
"Oh, that's right! Broccoli and...shit...and....OH,
mashed. What? Oh, Ellen is a nice girl. Cheese Nachos, Add guac."
It's just bad timing. I'm not a bitch about it when I'm not
working. It's just hard to do a good job when people know a
lot about what you've been doing and have a lot to say about
it.
I think I'm going to read and do a little research on some shit.
You'll learn more about that later. Nighty-night. |
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