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ThursdayFebruary
27, 2003
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I haven't been
as present here as I usually am. You know things are crazy though.
I cannot even believe that I'm moving in two days. I'm sitting
here thinking, shit - doesn't moving everything you own require
a lot of work? I guess when nearly everything you own fits into
your bedroom, it's not terribly hard to move. Besides, I'm moving
a whole five minutes from where I live now and there isn't anyone
coming in to replace me this Saturday anyway, so if I don't
get everything in one day - it's not the end of the world. Not
to mention the fact that I have to paint over my purple walls.
I think that may be traumatic for me. I'm not a white-wall kind
of girl, and I'm about to become one. No use in putting money
into painting walls that you have to paint over in six months
when you're hardly around. Well, I will be around a lot. Grrr...if
I had money to burn, I'd totally paint the walls. Blah, blah,
blah.
So, I was getting really worried about Jack and Tyson. I could
barely see them in their tanks with the water having become
so murky and green. It smelled really bad too. Again, I wondered
if they were happier that way, since I'm sure their natural
environment was not crispy clean chemically-treated evian puddles.
Still, they were hovering at the top, and I was afraid they
couldn't breathe. So, This morning I cleaned out the tanks again,
and now it's really nice looking in there. They were playing
(fighting), so they were feeling active and not depressed. Hmm...not
eating. Okay, there Tyson goes. That boy has been so playful
recently. Jack's been getting old or something.
I'm feeling a bit unsettled. Money problems. I mean, who doesn't
have them, but it feels like I have them more than some people.
I know everyone must feel that way. It also looks like I'm making
money with some of things I'm doing, but I don't seem to be
making much. It gets pretty scary, doesn't it? I mean, I know
I'm not in any serious trouble, and I do have wonderful little
opportunities happening. I have a few business ventures ahead,
but I still feel unsettled. Yearly salaries sound so lovely.
I'm longing.
Oh, so the show last night. Well, I don't know if it was a show,
but the national anthem. Some scary shit. I got there at about
quarter of 5 and I don't sing until after 7. That's a good two
hours to do nothing but freak out. I was drinking Arizona Green
Tea with Ginseng and honey like it was the only think keeping
me alive. I couldn't wait for it to be over. Someone said to
me, "This is supposed to be fun." I thought about
it and realized that it's more like a rollercoaster. I'm never
excited about the rollercoaster as I'm about to go on. Think
about when you're climbing up that first hill - it's not fun
at all. I hate it, I want to get off. I'm so fucking scared
that I can't remember why I paid $40 to get into this park that
charges $15 for a hot dog and soda. Two minutes later when the
damn thing is over and you're putting your hair back into place,
and you're looking around for shared reactions on the hell you
just put yourself through, you decide that you had a great time
and it was fun and totally worth the cash. I don't know how
that happens. Everything looks different looking back. So, I
knew after the anthem was done, I would proclaim how fun it
all had been, but at that moment, I hated it so much I wanted
to run out of there. So, I walk up to the center of the court
after they announced I'd be singing, and I began the safest
and lowest rendition of the national anthem you've ever heard.
It went well, I think. My family described it as "perfect."
Playful enough to make it my own, but solid and simple enough
that I didn't bastardize the song. I'm biased. I have no idea
how I really did in my own head because the memory is a bit
hazy. It was a good time, and I'd totally do it again if the
opportunity did arise.
I have to head on out now. I need to go to the bank. What else
do I have to do? God, I have no idea anymore. I'm totally lost.
Oh, wait - so, come Saturday, I won't have internet or cable
until Tuesday. Yeah, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'll
feel so disconnected. I will be so disconnected. I'll be in
a new place, and I won't even be able to instant message anyone.
I'll have to read. That's good. |
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