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It's snowing.
again. For some reason though, it's not bothering me as much
as I would expect it to. It's probably because this is the last
winter I plan on living in for a while. I can bitch about the
cold and the ice everyday from December 21st to March 21st,
but I know me well to know that I'll miss it when it's gone.
It's hard to not miss anything after it's gone. Even the bad
stuff in life.
Because I can't drive around in this crap, and because I don't
really have anything I have to do today (I don't work those
damn Thursday's anymore), I've decided to not only stay in,
but to not even feel bad about it. Have you ever woken up in
the morning feeling okay, feeling relaxed and content with everything?
Then you remember something going on in your life that may not
be so good - something that weighs on you, and you feel that
weight fall right back on your chest? You hope maybe that you're
just remembering a bad dream and you battle in your mind with
whether or not what your feeling is real or manifested. Then
it's clear that the pain you're feeling is actually real, and
the problem that is causing it is as real as the pillow on which
your head rests. It's a bad feeling to wake up to a world you
were able to forget about when you were sleeping. Makes you
never want to get out of bed.
It's when you miss someone, and they feel farther away than
ever. When you feel like you can't even get in touch with them.
When you feel like you've done something wrong, but you can't
think of what it is, and you wonder if that's the problem. It's
when you're so quick to blame someone else, but you wonder if
it's you. Then you get to go through that internal war of defending
yourself and blaming yourself - both being really horrible feelings.
So what do you do? You write on your website.
Trying to lighten up a little bit. I've watched TV all day,
and I feel a little sick about it. Because it's so gross out,
I don't think anyone would come over. I would suppose that it's
a good thing and I needed alone time, but I don't know if I
really feel that way. I feel pretty shitty in fact. I haven't
worked out in three weeks, and I haven't eaten a good meal in
longer than that. I don't have any pots or pans, so there isn't
much I can do as far as making myself some food. What doesn't
help is that my neighbor is cooking an amazing meal, and I can
smell it through my wall. How depressing is that?
Tyson is freaking out. I don't know what's wrong with them anymore.
They do seem much happier in this new place. It's so warm, their
water is a perfect temperature, but it gets really cloudy really
fast, so I think they're pooing a lot or something. I don't
know. Ew though.
Ugh. I don't feel good. I'll write more later, if I feel inspired. |
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