I learned another lesson tonight. Uh...I don't know if you could call it a lesson, well - it was more of an understanding about how the world works around you - how life is never fair. How even though you may be technically "allowed" to do something either by law or by nature, it doesn't mean that others will allow you to do it - by issue of power and money.

I'm a powerless person. I have no power over anyone because I don't own anyone. I don't pay anyone's bills (I can barely pay my own.) Nobody needs me to survive (financially-speaking.) Unfortunately, money rules everything. I'm not saying it's more important than everything because obviously nothing is more important than love and all the people you care about, but if we're speaking about society, about the ability to afford living a normal life, then yes, money is power, and whoever has got the money has got the power. This is not me. I have been tossed around a lot in the past few years because of money, because of needing it. I've signed contracts that aren't fair, I've taken jobs I shouldn't have taken, I've abandoned a lot of rules I've made for myself to keep money coming in. No, I haven't had it the worst. People all around struggle much worse than I do, but my point is not that I've had it hard, my point is that money is important, and when you need it, you need it.

This website had brought me a lot of freedom over the past year and half. It's been nice having the ability to speak my mind, to tell my stories, to get my version of my life told through my own words. It's been my only source of performance, if you will, since I've graduated from the Bostonians. It's been a fun place to vent about the daily trials and tribulations that we all go through. But the fact is, it's not as much as a one-way conversation as I felt like it would be. People read this. And that's where the issue of responsibility comes in.

The reason I liked having this site was because I could get shit out. Have you ever had a bad day? Have you ever wanted to scream at the top of your lungs until the whole city you're yelling over turns their heads and listens? Well, I sort of enjoyed doing that. It's like I looked for every little detail that I could bitch about, and I bitched about it...just because I could. And I liked it. Some people I know who read this like it. They like it because it's a train of thought.

Have you ever loved your spouse but had SO much to complain about him or her? Have you ever wanted to kick your cat, but if anything ever happened to your cat, you would cry for days on end? Have you ever said, "Ugh, I hate my life," but you obviously know that you love your life? Have you ever really enjoyed your job, but came home from work, put your feet up on the table, and ran down a list of everything that fucking sucked about it that day? Doesn't everyone do that? Or does everyone come home and take a deep breath like Snow White when she wakes and says, "God, I LOVE my life, my friends, my family, my lover, my job, my body, my clothes, my world!!"?

Well, I don't have a spouse or a cat, but I know what all of that feels like - the only problem is that I complain here, where it's not alone on my couch with my feet kicked up. It's in a place where those of whom I complain can hear me, can react, can take control if they have any power over me.

So, now I'm silenced. And though part of me feels angry, most of me feels sad because I love to complain, I love to speak my mind, I love to say whatever I want to say, and I can't. I can't anymore, anyway.

It's scary when you're punished for your thoughts. This website doesn't feel like action, it feels like thoughts. It feels like expression. When people are upset about what I write, it feels so strange because they aren't upset about how I've acted, how I've performed at whatever I do, how well I do whatever I do - they are upset because of my thoughts. And though this is a webjournal, it feels to me like just thinking. Maybe it's because I type these words in the quiet of my own home, by myself, with no one around me who's listening. To me, I'm just typing. I don't feel like I'm announcing anything to the world. I don't feel like I'm even heard. I feel like I'm just thinking. I type as I think, no drafts, no editing (as you can tell from my frequent grammatical errors and typos).

It's like Liar Liar. You can be this one person who acts one way and then thinks another. Then all of a sudden, everything he thinks is out loud, everyone can hear him, and he's punished for it. He's slapped in the face, he nearly loses his job, he nearly loses his family. This website used to feel like expression. But now I just feel exposed. And that's a really scary feeling. It's because I'm now judged on it. I receive reaction from it.

I don't know what to think. I feel betrayed a little. I feel that people have issues with me, but they let me think that they love me when I'm with them. I feel like I've lost my ability to speak my mind, and I feel like it's because I have no power. I know now that anyone off the street has so much power over me. I feel like anyone could put me into a bad situation because of the position I am in life. I apologize for being so vague.

It's a scary thing when you realize that you are owned. It's very scary when it becomes clear that your sadness, your anger, your desire to express yourself honestly without any sugar-coating will only be used against you in one form or another. It's upsetting when you try to make people laugh and they come back screaming instead.

I apologize for whom I offend.

I have a very kind and sympathetic boss. I've told you about him before. I am very lucky that he is someone who has power over me. It is nice to trust a person with power. It's nice to know they really care.

Well, I'm going out tonight with some friends. I could use a few laughs.