Wow, okay, I've been gone forever.

I have to say, I've been feeling better and better everyday. I was in a bad mood for a few weeks straight there, dark times, but now, I'm feeling pretty damn good. This should make me happy to feel good, but the little cynic in me still keeps a wary eye on Fate, because she's a fucking bitch and likes to laugh really hard in your face when you finally let go and start feeling good about yourself.

Funny thing is, not much has changed, really. I've been reading a lot. I haven't been reading Shakespeare, but when it's not a magazine, I feel impressed with myself. I read The Lovely Bones, and I'm currently reading 4 Blondes. I loved The Lovely Bones. It wasn't a book that changed my life, and I'm sure it'll go under the list of "Did I read that book?" ten years from now, but it was entertaining, and it got to the fucking point right away, which is what I need unless you are Pat Conroy, who can talk about absolutely nothing for all I care, and I'll read every word and feel more intellectually stimulated than class or school has ever done for me. I didn't think I'd be inspired by 4 Blondes at all. I saw that it was written by the writer for Sex in the City, and thought it might be a fluffy entertainment to get me through the flight. Thing is, Sex in the City has always been extremely inspiring to me because it touches upon such important, frequent topics of today. Turns out, my mind has been rolling with topics since I've started reading this book. The book doesn't actually say anything inspiring. One of the reviews in the beginning of the book described it perfectly: "By rights we should detest the four blondes of this addictive story collection...yet we sympathize...By breathing life into her sex-happy social set, she reveals the tarnish beyond the glitz." -Stephanie Merritt, The Observer (London)

I like it because of my fascination with the inside world of people whose lives we tend to envy because US Magazine and E! tell us so. I mean, do we not look at Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts, Kate Hudson and think, "God, what beautiful lives filled with love, money, passion, and creativity"? Well, I do, and a lot of us do it. You think that people with devastating beauty, fame, and fortune (or so it seems that they have fortunes) have carefree, fabulous lives. They make it seem like they do, and of course we believe them. Maybe we enjoy our own "real" lives of hard work and our right of privacy and are thankful, but there's always that draw to those lives that seem so fucking easy and fun. I've only gotten so far as the first story of the four in this book, and I like the thought-process of this miserable chick. She truly is detestable and absolutely pathetic, and I would hate her completely if I knew her, but I can sympathize with her. Not her lifestyle exactly, but her struggle to feel important, to accomplish something, to watch each year roll past her and still not have the faintest idea what she wants to do or be. To wonder how long you can get by on easy-money before you reach the point where it seems too late to try to make your own hard-earned living. I'm not at that point yet, and I don't plan on ever getting to that point, but I can feel what she means, maybe by imagining it. I feel bad for this character, absolutely. I also want to slap her across the face. That's fun to feel dual emotions for a character. I rally like Candace Bushnell's style. She's no Pat Conroy, but no one is, you know. I swear, that man is the single most influential writer to me. I feel like I learn more from his simple descriptions of a lamppost than I do from the Bible after 16 years of Catholic schooling with mandatory theology classes.

Anyway, I'm enjoying this whole reading thing. I swear, as much as I'd freak out if my cable turned off, I sort of love it when I get the chance to sit down and read without that addictive, flickering distraction.

So, we should talk about American Idol. A week ago was the Billy Joel week. First off, what's up with Billy Joel? I wouldn't recognize him if I sat on him. It's so strange when people age. When they're on TV, you think they're frozen in time. Anyway, back to the Idols. I'm telling you, I'm not passionate about these people, even though I watch it every week. Still, we need to discuss something.

I'm a big fan of America and all - land of opportunity and such, but I'm having a difficult time with our American Idol voters because for some ungodly reason, Carmen was safe when Kimberly Caldwell was sent home. This makes no sense at all, and you KNOW it. I admit that I liked Carmen at one point, but through her ass on a Disney show if you want to see her so badly, she does NOT deserve to be there. Now, I didn't think Kimberly Caldwell would win. We know that it comes down to Clay, Ruben, and maybe even Kimberley Locke these days, but everyone has got to go at some point. Still, though there is a strange prejudice against Caldwell, that girl SO deserved to stay longer than Carmen. ESPECIALLY because Carmen gave the worst performance that week in music history. Don't argue with me on this. I'm sorry, but there is other opinion to be had. It is a FACT that Carmen sucked on the Billy Joel episode, and it was her time to go.

This week, it went the way it should. Joshua should go next, in my opinion. The boy is only there because he's in the Marines and we're experiencing a lot of American pride right now with the world climate. There's not much to his voice at all, and that strange joker face when he sings, I think it's creepy. Now, here's my problem. These kids are NOT the best in the country. They're not even the best of the people who stood in line when it all started. A lot of shit had to come into place, and for these people, it did. I was not one of the top 7 most interesting or even TV-worthy of the 40,000 that tried out for my season in New York, some shit just fell into place. I don't know how I got it, I don't know how you can get it, and I won't ever know how I beat those odds. Some shit just fell into place. Back to American Idol - I come from the college a cappella world - an underground fraternity of singers seen as geeky by most other groups, but it's a society of excited talent that filled me with a lot of joy in my four years of college. I saw hundreds of soloists from all over the country from the countless a cappella shows and invitationals and competitions I've seen, and I've been blown away by some of these voices. Now, it's easy to be impressed by talent when it's right in front of you because you lower the standard. You think, "That's great compared to me in the shower," rather than, "That's great compared to all the other successful recording artists of the world." However, I've seen enough young college singers to know when someone is okay and know when someone is great. No, I'm not an expert. All I'm saying is that I've seen better singers at these shows. The UVA Silhouettes and Hullabahoos, U Penn's Off the Beat and Counterparts, so many BU groups, and even an amazing one from Harvard. I know some soloists from Bostonians and Acoustics that would blow you away, all of them better than many of these people on American Idol. (But no voices I love as much as my dear Kelly Clarkson).

Let's talk about the fact that Clay may win this thing. I love Simon because I agree with EVERYTHING this man says. He's just right whether you like it or not. He knows Clay has power and control and beauty in his voice (though his harsh over-annunciation is PAINFUL). He would be one of the best Broadway stars hands down, and I WORSHIP Broadway singing, but this guy is not a recording artist. And I swear, one more slow-blinking, whispering thank you's is going to drive me insane.

Why can't they all be Ruben? Anything Ruben does is okay by me.

I like Kimberley Locke. She's got such a gorgeous vibrato.

I need to get out of the habit of watching murder mysteries before I go to sleep. They really suck you in though.

I'm gonna go. I'll talk to you all later.