I wrote a little something on Friday last week that I never got to post, so I'm going to post it here bold, and then write a little after that.

I’m learning a thing or two about myself regarding the work world. I don’t think the corporate world in any form is for me. I think that when a job lacks creativity, inspiration, and fulfillment on an emotional level – then it can only be temporary. If you make it your life, you will turn to stone and will one day resort to something drastic and possibly tragic in search of stimulation. When we were in Jamaica, we went to Hedonism II, which we thought would be a spring break type of place. We learned quite sadly that this was more like a gathering place for pathetic elders who haven’t felt sexy in decades and needed to feel…alive without inhibitions. This is all good and fine with me until I try to get into a Jacuzzi before realizing that all these 50+ individuals are not only naked, but performing blow jobs on each other. Oh yes, right there by the side of the pool was a woman going down on her senior partner. Then, on the dance floor, a man goes down on a woman right there in the middle of everything. This is NOT sexy, this is exhibitionism of people who need to be banned from such activity. Depressed more than revolted, we leave and return to the Round Hill Resort. Antoine was sitting with me in the Chili’s lounge, popping open his last Red Stripe for the night, waxing philosophical on the importance of living life to its fullest at all times. He concluded, “So, every once in a while, walk around naked in your home, take a piss out on the lawn, or one day, you’ll find yourself at Hedonism.”

No, I’m not exactly panicked that if I keep up at a job under fluorescent lights for a summer, or ever a year or two, I’ll go insane. It’s almost the opposite. I’m afraid of becoming subdued. It’s a bad thing to be bored in life. It’s detrimental to your mental health to not work at something that keeps you motivated, but that seems to be what we all go through, and if not all, then still too many.

Okay, now when I use the words "corporate world" I don't really know what I'm referring to. To me, the corporate world is anything that involves button down shirts that isn't waiting tables, which is most likely incorrect. I often refer to anyone doing anything other than what I'm doing a "real job" where my jobs aren't really real. Maybe I think of a real job as having an annual salary, getting health benefits. Just stuff like that.

I was excited last night after having a conversation about the beginning of my new life in LA once I get out there. I got back and forth between being excited and being just plain terrified, which I've been told is not only natural, but required to be considered human. There are a lot of pressures and fears to negotiate with this move, and sometimes I feel like I won't be me when I get out there. That so much will change - I'll have such a different environment that doesn't even physically resemble what I'm used to my whole life; I'll be SO far from my family and friends, I'll be living such a drastically different lifestyle than I'm used to (meaning getting the "real job" that I've never had over here because I knew I'd be moving to LA and I couldn't commit to a job until I settled in one place). I'll be meeting all new people, I'll be surrounded by all new personalities, and I even mean just the people in the grocery store. People who live in Boston, people who live in New York, people who live in LA - I don't care where any of them are from originally, the CITY makes a different person out of you - it MAKES you an inhabitant of that city. What qualities the city has are the qualities the people have within it. And maybe that's what scares me. LA...well, nobody loves it. Exceptions exist, fine, but I mean, no one LOVES LA. Never have a heard anyone absolutely love being there. Everyone just seems to tolerate it. It lacks history (not that I go around giving a shit everyday about Paul Revere), it lacks character. It is KNOWN for its superficiality, its temporary shelter, its boob jobs, fake tans, and halter tops. I'm afraid of what that city will make me. If it will change me...for the worse. I mean, you never hear of LA loyalists like you do of New Yorkers, of people from Chicago or Boston or any city in Texas (because those Texas people fucking LOVE being Texans, and I think they're still trying to be their own country). I want to love where I am, what I'm doing. I mean, who doesn't?

I believe that anyone can make a place their own. I do believe that. I think that you can find character and make a home of anywhere if you make an effort to find your niche. I can do that, I know I can. I'm not going to be hitting up hotspots. I don't give a shit about clubs, I will never have a reason to "see and be seen." I'll never think I'm too good for any bar or store. I'll find a coffee shop that isn't Starbucks. I'll find a bar that has Guinness on tap. I'll meet people who actually are funny, not just think they're funny because they're wearing J.Lo terrycloth and think that makes them important. I'll be around people who like to laugh, who watch movies, who like to gossip but don't LIVE by gossiping. I already know a few people out there that are good people, and it'll be nice to be around them.

I just know that LA can bring you down. Just like New York. 10 million people piled on top of each other, everyone being mean and telling you how they REALLY feel - it's tough being a New Yorker, and I've seen it eat away a little at even the biggest New York lovers in the world. LA can be rough in a whole other way. I feel like it'll be the emptiness, the space that eats at you, not the congestion. I think I'll long for community, if my job doesn't immediately provide it. I think I'll hate that I need my car to do practically anything. I think it will be hard, but I'm low maintance. I need a comfortable home - a quality roommate who knows how to give you space while also being really fun to hang out with. Someone who is tidy without being a neat freak. I need a few bars I love to go to, a CVS nearby, and somewhere to go everyday that doesn't make we want to cry when I leave. In some respects, I don't think I'm asking for too much. I feel like LA can supply me with what I need.

What I need is a life. I need a future. I need to be working towards something. Investing in something. I want to start learning, start earning, start growing up. I want a routine, I want stability because right now, THAT seems more like an adventure than flying by the seat of my pants.