Hey. You should know that I have been writing for this site everyday from work, but by the time I get home, I've either forgotten to post it, or I realized that what I wrote may not be appropriate since I wrote it while I was really pissed off or annoyed from some detail of my job. It's a little before 8am, and I can't BELIEVE I went from only working at night and sleeping until 1pm everyday to getting up at 7am every morning. I just think it feels strange. I like it though. But I'm not a fan of rush hour. God, that is MISERABLE. I wish Howard Stern were on a night too. THAT'S what I need to listen to while I'm under Boston in some new Big Dig tunnel, not knowing where I'll come out.

Well, here's a few broken pieces of thoughts I've had over the past week...


5/20
Wow, it’s already the end of May. This summer hasn’t even really begun, and I feel like it’s speeding past me. I don’t know if I want to talk about that right now though. I think it’s more important that we continue to address the American Idol situation. It bothers me when people say that Clay should win because he’s improved so much. See, it’s like that episode in Growing Pains when Mike got this huge present because he did well in school whereas Carol always got straight A’s, but never got anything because it was expected from her. Ruben has always been great, but Clay should win because we watched him grow into the greatness Ruben has been since day one? Just give Clay a Most Improved Award if you want, but it’s not fair to penalize Ruben for never sucking in the first place.

I also don’t like when I see an article saying, “Who Kelly Clarkson thinks will win,” only for the article to have her saying, “I think they’re both great.” That wasn’t the question, and it’s wrong to advertise the article as such. Name the article, “Original American Idol is PC. “ Hey, and I love my Kelly, and I know she has to say that, but come on. You KNOW she wants ONE of them to win.

I’m falling apart. My apartment is total shit, just crap lying everywhere, a sink full of dishes, messy, messy, messy, and I feel horrible when my home doesn’t look nice. Also, I’m out of shape. I’m getting soft, and I’m not happy about it. I can’t believe the difference you can SEE when you spend 1 month out of the gym and drinking some beer. I mean, you actually look different. Maybe not enough that anyone on the street would notice, but you can feel it in your clothes, you can tell by the shadows cast from you bathroom light. It’s not a nice feeling. It takes a long time to yourself looking how you please in a healthy way. It takes a painful amount of discipline that is only possible with some driving enthusiasm that keeps you motivated. My sister is getting married in July, and she wants cut arms in her wedding pictures. I’m starting to use her wedding as a motivation as well…I don’t have anything else to motivate me. You need positive motivation – something to work towards, a goal, not something to work against.

I’m selling my old car soon. I’m going to spend this weekend cleaning it up, checking it all out, making sure everything is okay with it. Then, I’m posting it up at masscars.com and maybe in the paper too. That will make a big difference in things for me.

I’m feeling a bit stressed today, and I don’t know why. I’m concerned about my second job because I just don’t get it yet, it hasn’t started. I don’t know if it’s clear when I’m working. I don’t know how to check the schedule, or if its just the same every week. I don’t know if I have the number to call and ask who I need to ask because I think I lost it, which is SO stupid because WHY wouldn’t I save it into my phone? It’s shit like that that really bothers me because I made a simple situation complicated for no reason at all. Sorta like when you get a bill, you can pay it, but you just don’t until it’s too late. I just feel very stressed when I don’t know what I’m doing, when I don’t know my schedule, when I have scheduling conflicts, when I lack routine. It’s the kind of stuff that gives me bad dreams, and I had one last night. It was stupid. I had a dream I was scheduled to work on Thursday, and I’m not going to work on Thursdays this summer, so I didn’t know how to handle that. It’s little, and maybe nothing to be stressed about, but I get stressed over the little things more so than the large ones. I’m freaking out because I don’t know how to clock in at work, but when me and RK were locked out of the house and had to put up and scale a ladder four floors to climb into a window when we had no phone, no keys, no car, and no shoes – I didn’t panic for a single second.

Whatever, point is, I’m feeling uncomfortable because I haven’t really done my job there yet, so I can’t picture how it’s going to happen. I don’t even know how I’ll feel about it. All I know is that I want to just get started so I don’t have to panic anymore.

Watched Martha’s Inc last night. Interesting. I read a review that said that even though they’re not Martha fan, it made her out to be such a monster that it could hardly be called a documentary. I don’t know, I have no reason to believe anything other than this movie, so I chose to believe that she is a monster. Sure, she was successful, but what is success really? Dictionary.com says:

The achievement of something desired, planned, or attempted: attributed their success in business to hard work.

a. The gaining of fame or prosperity: an artist spoiled by success.
b. The extent of such gain.

So, I guess, in that respect, she’s successful, if it’s about getting what you want out of life and that is what you want, but it’s a shame that you don’t often here of women making millions and getting power without being total psycho bitches that value nothing more than their own greed. It’s frustrating to me because I don’t have that attitude, and it makes we wonder how far I’ll get. I don’t want to fight like that. I mean, I’ll work hard, but fight? I think it’s a great story.

Okay, so obviously, that was quite a few days ago. This one here was a little more recent:

We should talk about American Idol. I didn’t watch the whole show. I taped the first part, and I’ll have to watch that whenever I can find some time. I can’t believe Ruben won. No, I mean, I CAN believe it because I thought he should win it, but I can’t believe it because I thought Clay had it in the bag. I just thought I saw it every where. I thought the judges made it seem like he would win, and still not even necessarily that he should. He handled it really, really well. Wow, weeks I spent trying to get used to the idea that Clay would win, so I was COMPLETELY SHOCKED when they announced Ruben. I think it’s great. I love that the first two American Idols are SO different. Kelly and Ruben? That’s just awesome. I’m looking forward to seeing Ruben in all those interviews. I mean, he’s a pretty laid by guy. He’ll probably just say it was cool and everyone will giggle because he’s so adorable.

Wow, I’m tired. Hurts a little bit. So miserable when you’re so tired that your body aches.

I’m going to really try to not get upset today about the monotony of my day. I have panic attack about it once a day, where I feel like I’m going to rip off my skin if I don’t do something other than what I’m doing. I need to walk around, go to my car, ANYTHING, but if I don’t, I lose it. Today, I really want to not lose it. I’m going to pace myself very slowly, so I don’t feel anxious when I’m on hold or when someone doesn’t understand what I’m calling about and it gets too complicated.

Good hold music can make you feel better. Like, right now I’m listening to that Dawson’s Creek Paula Cole song, and I feel pretty good. It’s a happy song, reminds me of a happy show that existed for my whole college career and a year or two after.

I start my second job tomorrow. I think we’ll be rained out, which is depressing because if it were sunny this weekend, I’d be a happy, happy girl with a nice chunk of cash to put in the bank. Sadly, it will be HORRIBLE weather all weekend. I’m concerned about a few things, but mostly if I’ll make the money I thought I’d make at this new job. I don’t want to stress about it. I don’t even want to think about it, but I can’t help it. I can’t. I feel, too tired.

That’s the thing, I’m hoping maybe I’ll be too tired to get upset today because getting upset just takes SO much energy. Thing is, I really want to work out today. Working out feels so good, especially considering how much beer I have and how poorly I eat.

Oh, here’s something I forgot to mention about American Idol. I keep hearing how equal it was, how close it was between the two. Ryan Seacrest said that out of 24 MILLION voters, the difference came down to a mere 1000 votes or so. I thought that was all bullshit. I thought they were just lying to get us more excited about the outcome. Then, I checked several different online polls, and TWO of them said it was split down 50/50. The American Idol sight said out of however many tens of thousands online voters, it was still exactly down the middle. Now, that’s AI’s site, so they could still be lying, but then another site said was split down the middle, and then a third split it 51% vs 49% in favor of Ruben. I suppose it really was that close. That IS exciting.

I just read somewhere that the Dixie Chicks are still being booed all over the place. Stupid girl. You wanted to exercise your freedom of speech? Well, now everyone else gets to exercise theirs in response. Hope you’re happy. Such asses. I don’t feel bad for them AT ALL. If you want to be so dumb as to make a public statement, how dare you cry and bitch about everyone’s response. You spoke against the leader of the nation you are from during war. Fucking moron.

I don’t feel great. I’m feeling very negative, and I’m fighting as hard as I can to fight it. I feel myself start to tense up, and I swallow it down before I can get upset, but how much can you take in before it all vomits up anyway? It’s supposed to be an active hurricane season. 11-15 storms, whereas the norm is 10. (According to CNN.com). Since the money-making weekend job is the one that will make the difference in my financial situation, and the place I work is outdoors – I’m already starting to stress out about that being a complete flop. I guess that’s what you get for having a job that depends on the weather when God’s favorite thing to do is screw you over when it comes to weather.

God, you think YOU’RE tired of listening to me complain? How do you think I feel? Not only do I have to witness it, I have to fucking FEEL it all the time.

I mean, I know I’m doing what I can to make money. I am. It’s the most I CAN do at this point, months away from moving, a year or two from having a life that resembles something orderly – it’s just exhausting.

There are things that I want though, and I stress mostly because every time a money problem comes up, a new cost, a night of all bad tips, anything – it’s one thing more I need to cross off my list of things I REALLY want. Like furniture. It is important to me to have a place look like a home. I’m not talking $4000 entertainment centers, suede couches, mahogany tables, crystal china. I’m talking painted walls, a couch good enough for a few years. A table I can eat meals on without it falling apart. Some plants. Not much, but SOMETHING. I want them. I don’t need them to survive, but I am willing to sacrifice my time to make enough money to get those things. They are what I need for emotional comfort. I need a pleasant home. I need that. I cannot function if I don’t have a comfortable apartment.

Hi. Back now. I'm starting work tonight, if it isn't cancelled due to weather. I'm nervous about a few things. Ugh...Okay, I have to go to work. I'll write from there, and try to post when I get home.