Okay, here's what I've written over the past two days, but never got a chance to post:

5/27
Let me begin by giving a “shot-out” to one of my customers this weekend who says she is an avid reader of everythinglori.com. Thank you Jen for your support and your tips.

Don’t you HATE it when you just cannot complete the outfit? This is a chronic problem of mine. I never have jewelry to complete an outfit, but I’ve practically given up on that anyway. My problem this morning was having a good jacket. It’s still cold out, even though it’s practically JUNE, and I need something for the chill. I look around and see women with these simple, nice jackets that are professional, that go with everything. I just don’t have it. So, I had to decide between not matching, or being chilly. I went with chilly. Everyone else was looking too nice around me, I didn’t feel like being the asshole whose coat just didn’t go right.

So, the key to wanting to go to work is to be such a complete waste for a full day that you are too bored to stay home and do nothing. Mike and I watched maybe 8 hours of TV yesterday, and I think we lost pieces of our souls to that flickering box of stupidity. I’ve watched so much TV recently, I feel like complete crap, and kind of depressed. That kind of depressed where you want to watch more and more TV, but the more you watch, the worse you feel. There are so many things I need to be doing instead of watching TV too. I need to fix up my resume. I need to be applying to jobs. I need to be making phone calls to figure out what my exact steps need to be in becoming what I may want to become (I’ll discuss this when it’s in the works, not when it’s just an idea in my head.) I could at least read the new mystery novel I bought, but I just HATE starting a book. “Who are you? What’s going on? What’s happening?” Is all I can think when I’m reading page one. I don’t have the patience to learn as I go. Tell me everything I need to know to start this book. Give me a rundown of all the characters I need to know upfront. Explain where you are and why.

My apartment was SPOTLESS on Saturday night. I went home, cleaned my ass off, rented Private Parts since I’m a new Stern-fan and I’ve never seen it before, and now it’s Tuesday, and it looks like a tornado hit it. What the hell? How does this happen?

Job #2 – I like it. I really do. I mean, I can’t tell you how I’ll feel about it after a few weeks, but I DO know that it takes a little more work than it seems, but it’s worth it. On rainy Sunday, I made more in 6 hours than I do for a whole week at my 9-5. Of course, I had to practically bully people into buying from me and tipping me, but hey – if you want money, you can’t be shy. If you want tips.

Ugh, it’s 10:45am and I’m already feeling like I’m going to jump out of a window. I can already feel the light in my eyes dimming, and my world closing in around me into the size of my battleship gray, fabric cubical stuffed with rejected boxes of files left here because it’s not but a temp cube. Ugh. What I hate is this idea that I’m not allowed to bitch because there are millions of people begging for work, and I have this. Yeah, well, I’m currently not feeling that “you should be happy” bullshit because that would mean that NO one should bitch because there’s ALWAYS going to be someone worse off that should remind you to feel grateful. Hey, I’m grateful, and I’m looking forward to my check at the end of the week, but that will NEVER make me excited about monotony. That will NEVER make being on hold a fulfilling experience from which to grow. I’m rotting in front of a computer with a monitor that is knocking points of my vision by the hour. I think I’m 20/90 now, and I think I’ll be considered legally blind by the end of the day.

I need to read something. I’ll write later…

Okay, I’m starting to wonder if it’s possible to be any farther up Jennifer Aniston’s butt?

5/28/03
I’m reading on MSN.com something about DNA testing to determine how Billy the Kid died. I have to say, I don’t know much history. I mean, I learned it, but it didn’t stick. I don’t know much about Billy the Kid. I don’t know why he’s so legendary. What makes him stand out so much that we all know his name? There’s this old picture of him, and it’s SO creepy. Pictures from the 1800s are always spooky. They are so haunting. They seem alive somehow. It’s because they weren’t just captured. There were no snapshots. These people stood there, staring into the lenses, dedicating time and energy into this slice of immortality.
So, I was just scolded in the most passive-aggressive fashion on the planet. Let me explain something to you about what I do here without giving too many specifics to avoid fucking legal issues or pissed off bosses who spent their spare time DEDICATED to knowing what I think about it. I have an important job. Actually, back up. Let me begin by saying that it’s a job, and for that, I am very grateful. It does not pay enough to live off of (unless you cut out things like food and shelter), but it’s money. I can see that what I do is important because I get information, I keep things organized, I keep two systems up to date. Sure, anyone could do this job, but still, the job must be done, and I’m doing it. However, when collecting information from other companies, you have to put on hold until a customer service representative is available to talk to you. Sometimes, they pick up immediately. Other times, you’re on hold for a half an hour. Sometimes you’re on hold for that half hour only to find out that I need to call another number to get that information. Point is, there is a lot of down time. My job is to make these calls. That is my sole responsibility, and if I’m ahead of schedule, I’ll help out other people around the office with whatever they need done. I don’t slack off. I mean, it’s not like I need to slack off. I’m not exactly busy. The rate of my work is not self-determined. I make sure I’m dialing the next number as soon as I finished the last one, but there is no way to speed up the OTHER company while they put me on hold. My experiment today is to write down exactly how long I’m on hold for each phone call. Unfortunately, it only begins from 10am (9:57am to be exact), so it won’t be the FULL effect, but I think we’ll get the picture.
My point here is that waiting to get that piece of information is WHY I am here. No one has time to sit on hold, so they bring in a temp to do the tedious easy stuff (even if it is important.) So, they brought me in to sit on hold for them. No problem. So, here’s the situation – I make a call, and sometimes, I go right to a customer rep who can help me out, and I knock one call off my list is under a minute. Then there are the opposite extremes, certain companies that will never take less than 20 minutes to finally reach someone (even though there is an automated recording that comes up between the classical music to inform me that the expected wait time is 5 minutes). Since my only obligation is to make these calls, while I’m on hold, there is nothing to do. It’s not like I can use that time productively because that would mean getting on another phone and being put on hold there, which is not an option. I have this one phone line, and I can literally only do things one at a time, which is frustrating because if there were a way to multitask, trust me, I would love to do it. I’m a big fan of getting a lot of shit done, even if for no other reason than to impress people who assume I’m a moron because I’m just a temp.
So, while you’re sitting on hold, what do you do? You look on the internet. I’m not talking downloading games, checking porn sites. I just mean emailing, cnn.com, gossip stuff. You just read because there isn’t much else to do. Well, today, I was approached in a fashion that redefines passive-aggression. There is an individual here who walks around very bright and chipper, asking how everyone is, talking real loud, who seems very welcoming and organized. Okay, great. I knew I wasn’t comfortable around him, there is something very…intense about him. It’s that attitude of someone who appears happy, but it’s just this backlash of having too much on one’s mind. As in they are about to explode, so they are hyper-active, which is disguised as peppiness, but it’s really just a time bomb waiting to go off. Okay, so, I’m sitting on hold, listening to some Mozart symphony for the 5000th time, and I’m reading up on this Billy the Kid, as you know. This person, who had always been very kind to me (in that ready to explode sort of way), stopped at my desk as he was walking by.

”You’re on the internet again?” Okay, see, here I hesitate to put I that question mark. The sentence did go up at the end as if it were a question mark, but it definitely had the tone of a statement. Or, maybe it was a question, but that wasn’t the question he was actually asking.

My immediate reply was, “Oh, I’m on hold!”

I received a hideous glare, and he stormed off, grimacing all the way.

It took a minute for me to realize what had just happened. And as I realized that I had just received an implied-scolding

This is what I do not understand. Why didn’t he just say to me, “Lori, every time I walk by here you’re on the internet. Are you getting your calls done?” Or if he wanted it to be non-aggressive or confrontational , he could have said, “Hey, what are you looking at on there?” And then when I say what site I’m on, he could have said, “Well, just make sure it doesn’t interfere with your work.” Or even just a straight out question of, “How come you’re always on the internet?” To which I could have explained, “I’m only on it when I’m waiting on hold. Just something to read while I wait,” then it would be clear that I’m not doing NOTHING.

Instead, I get, “You’re on the internet again?” with an obscene amount of anxiety and strain accompanied with an expression of rage.

Just explain to me WHY people have to make life so complicated? Why? Now there is this tension. Now, I’m not very fond of him, and I feel attacked and threatened. I’m annoyed.

I usually assign myself projects during the day. It makes me feel busy. Makes me feel like I’m utilizing my on-hold time. As soon as I’m off hold, I take of business here, and as soon as I’m put on hold, I have my own business to take care of. I always have something to do.

I’m not sure how to handle this now. I mean, no, I’m not going to stare at the wall. It’s not going to just sit here. I’m doing my job right, and I’m doing it well. If he’s getting the wrong idea, he just needs to look at the numbers. I’m completing everything in record time to the point where every Friday, they don’t even know what to do with me. They make up shit for me to photo copy to keep my busy.

I mean, I would LOVE to do what the girl in the cubical next to me is doing (not love to do it forever, but instead of what I’m doing.) She does data entry and listens to her walkman all day. Hey, I’m completely up for listening to good music, and just doing what I need to do without having to deal with disgruntled insurance agencies and banks. I mean, I don’t see the difference between her listening to her walkman all day to my reading the internet while I’m on hold.

Now, I’m really thinking about this whole concept here of illusion, of suppressed frustration, of fake smiles and clenched teeth. It’s pretty much a fact that there needs to be order. People can’t do whatever they want, say whatever they want wherever they want. I understand that part of getting by in a civilized society is not letting emotions rule you. You have to bite your tongue, you have to accept that things aren’t always fair (more often than not). But I have to say, it’s strange. Everyone swallowing their pride, pretty much just taking so much shit just to survive. The point is, you’re not allowed to speak up and speak your mind because if you do, you get fired. There is so much ass-kissing that has to be done. It just seems like EVERYTHING is about politics, and nothing is about quality. The best man or woman may never be in the right position because he or she might not know the right people. The best artist isn’t featured because he isn’t best friends with that casting director. It’s not about what is BEST, it’s just about the ladders you climb, the time you put in. (Actually, sometimes it should be about the time you put in, but then you get screwed over anyway). My point is, you can’t let anyone know how you FEEL about shit, even if it’s just how you feel. I mean, what would happen if you discovered that the BEST, hardest-working, most loved employee of the company screamed at the beginning of his every morning because he dreaded going into work. He fucking HATES what he does, but he doesn’t plan on leaving, and will continue to SEEM pleasant and do a great job. Would this affect his position? Would he be fired? What would be his future there?

This is what I want to know about my position in this job and the job I had prior to this. The owners of my last job fucking scrambled to the computer every chance they got to see what I was thinking, what I was saying. Now, I never mentioned where I worked, not even the town I was in. I never mentioned any names other than when I was complimenting someone. My customers loved me. I had no complaints, and I was often requested service (which may or may not been because of the Real World). Either way, I was a valued employee who made little to no mistakes at all. With exception to my needing a lot of time off for appearances and such, I was pretty solid, and I can say that with total confidence. Now, these owners (the ONLY people who had problem with me), needed to know how I FELT about this shit though. Even though I was perky, confident, and gave excellent service - they wanted to fire me because of how I felt about it outside of work. Sure, I bitched about my customers, but that was here, not there. I know how to grin and bare it, but when I come home and come here, as long as I’m not giving details that one can sue me for, I feel like I’m allowed to bitch. I mean, this is what I’m talking about here – they tried to get rid of me based off how I feel about a job that I did well. I realize I may be naïve here. I can see the argument against my point, it doesn’t even need facts. You could just say that it’s stupid to bash your job on a website. Thing is, it’s one thing to publicly bash a company on TV, or named the place I worked in a magazine. It’s not even like I put it up on a website that people go to for multiple reasons, like on yahoo.com or eonline.com. I mean, this is MY webjournal. You would have to seek out me out and my thoughts to get them. And even then, you’d have to guess what or who I was talking about because I alter details to my story to give a little more obscurity. Am I making any sense here? I feel like I’m talking in circles.

Let me try this again – I feel that if you have a professional relationship with someone, then you have to keep that relationship professional. I think it is not a coworker’s place to sought out your personal beliefs on something and then use those personal beliefs against them in a professional matter. I realize how twisted that sounds since it is a website for anyone to read, but it’s still a webjournal, which is VERY different to me, but I understand if you don’t think it is. A coworker or boss should NOT know the personal beliefs or opinions of a coworker. It’s not his business to read it. You are cheating if you are reading my website and then taking it out on me at work. That would be like if I then in turn sought out his friends or girlfriend and asked them personal questions, and then reporting those things to his boss so his position could be reevaluated. It’s separate to me, it really is. If I used your name, if I discredited the company by name, if I revealed things that I shouldn’t that could lead to legal problems, then that is totally understandable, but a disgruntled waitress telling funny stories about asshole customers, bitching about not being allowed to read when I’m on hold for 20 minutes (and by the way, the last two paragraphs I’ve written while I’m on hold for ONE call) – that’s total bullshit to get in trouble for. The owners of the last place I worked (which has remained nameless on this entire site) – they LOOKED for my thoughts. They checked every damn day to see how I felt. I never bashed the restaurant. It’s a great restaurant with amazing food, excellent drinks, beautiful décor. But assholes are assholes, and when some shithead didn’t treat me right because he thought I wasn’t worth anything being a waitress, well, I can vent all I goddamn please about it because if that customer GOES to this site and KNOWS it’s HIM I’m talking about of ALL the customers I have in one night – then he was most likely ACTING that way JUST to make it on my site, like that creep who went on mtv.com and completely twisted around what we talked about when he saw me. This guy who verbally harassed me JUST so he could “make it” on my site. Fuck those people. If they are looking to harass an employee of a place, then the OWNERS should have stood behind me, not allowed me to be treated badly by pain in the ass customers. But I mean, they had this ONE waitress whose head they could get into, so they did, and they used to against me. So, if they found a journal sitting on a table of another waitress, would they read it, and then fire them if they were bitching about their customers? See, I know how stupid this sounds because I put shit up on my website to READ. It’s not meant to be private. But this goes back to the purpose of the site. It’s too entertain, it’s catharsis. It’s fun for me, and it must be relatively fun to read because you all keep coming back here. Even the ones that “hate” me.