So much to talk about, so little time. This is the first time I REALLY need it to rain, and the weather predicts it, so we'll see. I have to write here, I have to get reading Order of the Phoenix, I have to arrange a song for my sister's wedding...I need a full week to do all this shit, and it doesn't help if I have to work everyday this week.

I wanted to say that I finally got to watch the last episode of Real World Paris. I have to tell you, I like this season. I like it for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I haven't been able to comfortably watch a season of this show since Seattle (didn't watch Hawaii when it aired, and New Orleans was on while I was auditioning, so from then on, I looked at it differently.). Like I said, I REALLY want to comment on the plotlines, but I know I can't. It's just not right. It's a betrayal of the bubble. But I NEED to make a few comments. I mean, I just have to because I'm having a hard time resisting. First off, I commend the editors for taking this new actually realistic spin on the Real World experience by showing their frustrations with the cameras. Well, specifically Mallory's. This is usually showed in behind the scenes type things. When we watch the show, we're not supposed to think about the fact that we're watching through a camera crew. We're actually supposed to believe that we're watching these people magically, like we're really there, like we know EVERYTHING that's going on. With the existence of 400 reality TV shows out there dominating every single network, every single hour, it's good that Real World tried to be different by acknowledging what's really going on here, kids being followed by cameras. Now, when we watch episodes like this week's, we're not watching their lives, we can feel our own role in it all, the fact that we're spying, intruding, disrupting the lives we thought we were so harmlessly observing. So great. I think it made for a fantastic episode. Anyway, these scenes of Mallory being caught talking about developing off-camera relationships, ADMITTING to what she thinks we can't/won't see - oh, it's absolutely classic. Just so great. Now, this is not the first person to do this, to talk about being violated and manipulated by the show. Shit, we ALL did that. I had a full-blown screaming attack on the production via confessional about how my "being real" was forced to "be fake" by pretending the cameras weren't there. (I had a lot of tequila before this confessional, by the by.) This is NOT the first off-screen relationship by any means whatsoever. Every season has their secrets, their FULL blown romances that you never see. Well, I didn't. In fact, I don't think my cast did at all. We were a ridiculously laid back group with no romantic scandals separate from the tiny one that was nothing to talk about but they had to milk it to gain a drop of plotline out of us. But seasons all around managed to sneak away with shit you do not see, Mallory just became an example of it.

Another example that I need to discuss a little here: the issue of disrespecting. A tricky thing within the RW walls. Let's be honest here (ironically), honesty is NOT the best policy in all situations, and what you think is not someone else's business, well, it is. Let me give an example so you know what I'm talking about. Leah's on the phone describing her roommates, and her friend asked if Adam was cute and she said no. Is that disrespecting him? I personally didn't think so because it's her opinion. When he asked her what she said, she lied, and why? Because you don't fucking tell someone that. Now it's tricky ONLY in their situation because he's going to find out anyway, and so they're acting like they're just living normal life, but they're not. They're in a world where everything you say will come back to you. Anyway, let's just say we're leaving that factor out of it - she doesn't find him attractive. She's not allowed to TELL her friend that? She should keep it to herself? Why? It IS her business to make a comment about that because she's talking about something physical right in front of her. If she can see it, then it's her business. Didn't HE say that he thought Mallory was hot? How come HE'S allowed to comment on other people's appearances? If she were commenting on his personal life, that would be wrong. In his defense, she should have known he would hear what she said, and it's just painful to make a statement that will embarrass someone. She could have just said, "He's not my type," ONLY because he really is going to see it, but then would Real World be real? Ugh, not, lame.

Shit, I'm really shouldn't be commenting on their show. I'm not saying anything mean about them though, it's just really the concepts of how living works in a situation as unique as theirs. I should stop talking about it.

So, this week just completely blew. Such a bad week, and it was topped off with the worst night ever as a shot girl. For some reason, every guy in there decided to insult me about how I've accomplished nothing in my life, and how I should be hosting Say What Kareoke along side Vegas boy. I'm like, "Why do I have to want that? Why do I have to be in entertainment and roam around looking for easy money? Maybe I don't want to host shows. Maybe I'm not comfortable with that? Why the fuck am I some failed musician when I didn't even try because I didn't really want to? It's not like I was knocking on record company doors demanding to be made a star. In fact, I didn't do a goddamn thing because...I wasn't sure if I wanted that. I love to sing, I love performing, but that doesn't mean I want that kind of lifestyle even if it WAS offered to me. And if it was offered randomly without my putting in the work, of course I'd have to take it, or at least SERIOUSLY consider it, and sure I thought opportunities might come my way after the show, but I didn't know what opportunities I was hoping to have. When some random agent dude called my up from LA while the show was airing and he asked me what I wanted to do, I told him I didn't know, and I was annoyed with feeling like I HAD to know, as if all my answers could be solved at 22. I didn't have a plan. I didn't know what I wanted, and though I have some ideas now of what may work for me (and they're not in entertainment) I still don't have any answers. And every adult I talk to says they don't have them either. So, why during my 15 minutes (if it even lasted THAT long) was I supposed to know what I needed? So, it passed, and I don't feel like I missed anything because so far, the only shit I've come up with for a future...Real World couldn't even begin to get for me."

Well, my point is that all these shitheads last night went out their way to make me feel like I failed at something. "Why are you doing this??" Why? Because I walk around for three hours with some test tubes and I walk out of here with no less than a couple hundred bucks. Because I'm trying to make money like the rest of us, and I'm sorry my life didn't turn out glamorously enough for you. Stop looking down on me, you little fuckers. I do alright. YOU'RE the asshole for standing there harassing me about MY decisions as if you fucking know what's best for me, as if you KNOW me, as if YOUR life is anything to brag about. Stop giving me shit about not knocking down the blocks, stop asking me why a celebrity is working at a bar (stop CALLING me a celebrity, FIRST off), stop asking me WHY I didn't turn out BETTER. If my life DOESN'T impress you, then stop fucking talking to me because I DON'T CARE!!!

Hey, I do NOT mind when people approach me at work to talk about the show. If you've ever done it, you'd know I'm very pleasant about it. It doesn't bother me. Everyone is really nice. They're curious, they have questions they want to ask, it's all in good fun, they're out trying to have a good time outdoors at a fun club, looking out over the harbor, listening to fun music, having some good BBQ, drinking your coronas. It's a great place to hang out. BUT, I AM working here. I'm not hanging out, I'm doing my job. I have to sell because I'm there to sell my drinks. I can't sit down for 20 minutes and talk about my experiences and then not even sell a single shot out of it. I'm not saying that I won't talk to you unless you buy off of me. I'm saying that if I took 10 minutes to talk to everyone who had questions about the shows, but how NO intention of buying anything off me, what would happen? I wouldn't make dime, my bosses would be pissed that I didn't sell anything. I'm there to work and being social is only part of the job, the other part is to MAKE MONEY for me and for the club. If you take up all my time without even buying anything, you literally cost me and the club money. That makes me both a poor and an irresponsible employee. And, it's just not nice, you know? What if I came to your job, say at a bank, and instead of working, I made you sit down and tell me about your family? What would your boss do? What if you worked off commission at Macy's, and I asked you all day about all the dresses in the store, and at the end of the day, didn't buy a goddamn thing. You watched customers come in and out all day, and you were happy to help ME alone because you were sure I'd buy something, but then I just told you I had NO intention in buying a thing when I walked in there, I just wanted to ask you about all of the items in the store. How would you feel? Like I said, I'm completely up for talking to anyone who approaches me. And if you just want to say hi and chat for a second, that's so completely cool with me, but you have to respect the fact that I have to keep walking, you know? I want to be home reading Harry Potter, but as long as I'm out working on my weekends after working 9-5 all week like YOU did, then I need to be making some money.

I just want to say that J.K. Rowling deserves every single penny she's earned, and I'm PROUD to contribute to her millions. I was talking to RK about this just a few minutes ago. This woman was poor, I mean penniless, and she made up these stories to tell her little children. Then one day, she had the idea to write them down. Rowling single-handedly brought back passion in reading to children (and MANY adults) worldwide, and she did with with using pure creativity. Since when are kids breaking into bookstores at midnight the day a book comes out. A book with no pictures, no visual aid? They want to come home and READ, and IMAGINE, and THINK. I think Rowling is a wonderful, wonderful person, and no one deserves millions more than she.

Now, I have 40 minutes to eat, start up my book, and get ready to make some drinks.