Sometimes, I really hate being a girl. And those times always seem to fall around the same time of the month. So, I’m eight days away from the crimson tide rising, and last night I got my first wave of the monster. Sure, last week sucked beyond all suckage, but I had a good weekend. I got a lot of incredible sleep that I needed, I worked out, pretty much finished my entire arrangement for the song for my sister’s wedding, and started reading Harry Potter. I mean, this weekend could even be described as delightful. And then, I come home after a fun night with friends and transform into a monster. I can’t even tell you what happened. I felt my blood start to boil, and I flipped out, taking it out on someone who could NOT have deserved it less. I mean, this person didn’t even do anything wrong, I just decided to pick a fight. I don’t even understand it. I was just mad. Not at anything or about anything. It’s so strange, and you guys out there cannot relate to this. I mean, sure everyone gets in bad moods, but usually when you take something out on someone, there is some thing you are taking out on them. I had no thing. I was just…taking out.

Ladies out there, I know I’ve written a lengthy thought on PMSing, but this shit never ceases to amaze me. I mean, how can someone get used to becoming a monster for no good reason? It just doesn’t make any sense, and only when the mood passes can you even fathom what just happened. I mean, you’re just this tornado whipping through your own life, and you cannot assess the damages until the storm clears and the sun comes out. But have you ever tried STOPPING a tornado? You can’t, you just have to find shelter and hide in it. Facing up to it and trying to fight it will NOT do you any good. Not only will it not stop, it’ll lift you off the ground, rip your limbs apart in the air, and toss your remains into the river.

So, Sex in the City makes me almost too happy. I don’t know, I just love watching it. Even the depressing ones. I’ve decided that Miranda is by far my favorite. She looks the best she’s ever looked. Finally got that woman the right hair cut and color. She looks great. She’s just the funniest, if you ask me. She’s so dry, messed up, sort of cold and totally loving at the same time. Her priorities are almost always in the right place. God, how heartbreaking was Steve talking about some other girl and then, “So don’t worry, I’m not in love with you anymore.” Sure, maybe if she said something anyway he could’ve admitted that he was just saying that so she wouldn’t be so stressed out about it, but I don’t know. Steve seems like he’s very straightforward about his feelings. When he loves her, he tells her, even if she doesn’t want to hear it. So, there is a strong possibility that he would have said that he really doesn’t love her anymore and she would’ve been…even more devastated, if that’s possible.

Oh, GOD, what about Aiden? That hurt. Hurt a lot. When Carrie said, “God, Aiden,” when she was just standing there smiling and looking at him, you could completely understand what she was feeling. It was a scary feeling that scene gave me. I mean, he LOVED her, he wanted to marry her, and when it didn’t work out, he met someone else, got married, had that adorable baby – just the life he wanted, but it wasn’t with Carrie. Made me wonder if there are really many people out there that you could be with, have a great life together, grow old with? I mean, sometimes I believe that as a concept, but I think I may be a true romantic at heart. I still sort of believe that there’s that one. Yeah, I guess the realist in me comes into play and I understand that even if there IS just the ONE, if it doesn’t work out, there are others you can form that whole life with and be perfectly happy, but will there always be that piece in your heart that KNOWS this person may be wonderful, and may be “right” but maybe not the kind of “right” your soul is talking about? There are so many factors that come into this, that the fact that there are ANY couples out there who really are the ones for each other, their work lives are compatible, they met at similar stages in their life, they’re both ready to have that relationship and allow it to progress, they’re both done playing the field, they both have the same dreams of having a family, they are both emotionally mature enough to give into their vulnerabilities – is just a miracle. I mean, all those factors matching together exactly (or even close enough) seems nearly impossible. One of those being off can just end the whole thing. Like if two people love each other, and they want all the same things, but one needs to focus completely on his/her career and put the relationship on a much lower priority and the other is ready to move the relationship forward, well, then they’re breaking up over TIMING. Nothing to do with the other person NOT being perfect, it’s just bad timing. That fucking sucks.

Carrie is gearing up to settle down, you can tell. They’re getting up there age-wise, and I think dating is going to just exhaust them by the end of the season. This new guy (Office Space guy – SO happy for this actor to have landed this gig) seems just great. Seems like an amazing match for her personality, and he’s meeting her when she may stop being so afraid of marriage. So, what does that mean? What if she had met Aiden NOW instead? Would they be together and getting married? Was it really just timing, or was it him? There’s no way to know, but it just seems like timing. What does he feel when he looks at Carrie? Does he still wish she had married him, or does he love this new woman more? Is it even a matter of more or less? Is it just that they’re different and he loves them differently? If THAT’S the case, then what does that mean for the rest of us? Does that imply that there really may not be a “one,” that you could love many people in your life, and just love them differently so that anyone can be the one? Maybe it means that we should be altering this definition of “one”. Maybe the One means the one that matches up at the right time. I’ve heard women say, “Stop looking for Mr. Right, just look for Mr. Right Now.” I don’t like that. I don’t like the lack of organization in the universe if that is true. I mean, if we’re not holding out for the right guy or girl here because there is no right, then how do we know if we’re making the right decisions? I think this addresses the stereotypical man fear of marriage. He doesn’t KNOW if he can deal with this woman being the only one he wants forever. His friends are telling him that there’s an even hotter, better chick right around the corner. And I’ll tell you, I think women think this is true, but they’re not all thinking about it from THEIR side. They’re thinking, “There’s a younger, hotter chick around the corner, and I need to get him before he finds her.” A girl can feel like she’s done, she’s found him, and how can we be sure that MEN feel that way?

I’ve seen whipped men before. I talked to one of RK’s best friends about this. He absolutely ADORES his girlfriend. You should SEE him talk about her. The man lights up the whole fucking room. I think it’s wonderful. Seeing a guy talk like that about his girlfriend just warms my heart because too often am I a witness to the deceitful nature of the common man. First off, I can’t watch more than five minutes of TV without some guy cheating on a girl. Stupid weak men who can’t control themselves around those wicked bitches who play with guys’ loyalties for sport. Look at Bruce Almighty. Same thing…and it’s EVERYWHERE. Some guy who cannot resist. It’s painful to watch so much of it because you start to go crazy and wonder WHY it’s such a common topic, but I do KNOW that there are good men out there. I know there are because I know a few of them and even managed to find one for myself. I just wish most men would stop giving the good ones bad names by acting like such complete shits. I wish movies, TV, and media didn’t try to so hard to convince us that no man could be loyal to you. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve talked to some asshole who’s told me that if I have a boyfriend, then he’s definitely cheating on me…and he says this just because he cheats and thinks he KNOWS all men, that he IS all men. The only compromise a guy can come up with is, “Well, if he’s not actually cheating, then he’s checking out other women and thinking about it.” Now, why, WHY does a guy think how HE feels is how all men feel? I mean, then men wonder why women can go crazy, why we can get paranoid or insecure. I’ll tell you why – half of the reason is because other MEN are telling us we SHOULD feel that way, the other half is because we also happen to KNOW that there are women out there who go out of their way to prey upon men’s weaknesses, who use their powers of manipulation to lead men astray. (Side note: Yes, those men SHOULD be strong enough to resist if loyalty is of any value to them. And yes, I’m sort of implying that men are stupid and powerless and a woman could make him do something he doesn’t want to do – or rather make him want to do something he ordinarily wouldn’t want to do, but women DO have the power of sex, and according to Lin from Ally McBeal, men think and act with their “dumb sticks.”)

Now, I’m just tossing around stereotypes right and left, and I think I’ve twisted this discussion with so many tangents that I may have even contradicted a few of my points already, but hey, that’s the fun of the daily entries – stream of consciousness.

New subject: I feel like I spend half my day swallowing down the part of me that is screaming with anger and frustration for putting up with a job that somehow manages to combine the feelings of being completely outraged and being totally numb. Wow, those are two horrible feelings. I mean, here I am, suppressing those feelings that remind me that I need to be doing something more with my life, something that fits MY personality better, and I wonder if everyone does this when they are still young and impressionable and passionate until they’ve buried that urge to break free so deeply that they succumb to all that is dull and deflating. I mean, do most people feel completely empty when they think of what they do? Do they just do it because it’s a job, because you need a job in this world, because we’re supposed to be happy with whatever job we can get because of the job market these days? Are we supposed to ignore the fact that we all have SOME sort of calling, some skill that we were born with, some passion that is inherent that we are MEANT to utilize for the betterment of the world?? Okay, I know how dramatic this sounds, but let’s look at it seriously – we’re all different for a reason. There are people who are good at being doctors, there are people with the gift of understanding math well, there are people who are born with artistic skills, people to think abstractly, people who know how to build things. Everyone has a calling of some sort, something that THEY can do, that fulfills them, that they feel right about when they’re doing it. And I think that 99% of us do NOT get a chance to do that. Maybe even 80% never got the opportunity to learn what it is they WANT to do and SHOULD do because they were too busy just trying to make money because they needed it, or maybe just wanted more. Point is, with the way our society is set up (and I mean the way it's been set up since the beginning of any form of civilization) we'll never be able to do so. Why? Because we don't just exist, we have responsibilities, we have things we need to do even if they go against what our souls are telling us to do. We are teaching each other that we all need to do the same things through the media, through our parents. We are taught to want the same things, and we believe we want them when maybe we wouldn't if it was okay not to.

Now, this is all conceptual. I actually believe I want the things I've been taught to want. I WANT to get a normal job and make money, and I want a family, a mini-van, a dog, traditional Christmas dinner (but in my family it's a ham - honey-baked to be exact, and not a turkey). I want vacations planned in advance. I want all those domestic things, and I'm EXCITED about them, not just dragging around convincing myself I want them. But back to my original point - sitting around talking to insurance companies does not fulfill my potential (potential for I don't know what yet, I just KNOW this isn't it.) I just worry about how many of us cave in, how many of us phase out the voice that screams at us when we're in our early twenties to NOT stay in that office, to GO for what we dream, to FIND OUT what it is we want and to DO it, despite our "need" to do what we probably shouldn't so we can pay the rent on time, so we can afford Starbucks Lattes on the way to work. I wonder if that voice screaming only gets us in trouble or if it actually breaks us out of prisons.


Okay, you think about that. I need to sit around and read.