Not doing well.

So, I went to Hawaii, which of course would make people say, "Don't fucking complain, you went to Hawaii," but it's really not that simple. What do you think of when you think Hawaii? Beautiful beaches, nice pools, sun, grass-skirts, relaxing nights, nice dinners? Okay, what if you have none of that? I can't go into detail for reasons I can't even tell you. I know, it sucks. I would love to bitch about it, but I can't. Grrr...

Basically, I'm having one of those weeks where I'm feeling horrible about the world as a whole. I feel like nearly everyone in it is bitchy or rude or generally out to get you. I've been snapped at by maybe thirty flight attendants, lied to by salesgirls who didn't feel like looking for that particular item, cheated by coworkers, and deceived by unknowns who hide behind their computer screens. You know it's not a conspiracy, but haven't you ever felt like everything was going wrong and that it was too much to be a coincidence? Do you know what it's like when it seems like everything is ten times more difficult than it has to be? Do you know what it feels like when you feel like you just can't accomplish anything, even the simplest task without something or someone going out of their way to keep it from happening? Do you ever wonder what you did exactly to deserve what's happening to you?

I know that I have a great life. Everyone I love is healthy and happy. I KNOW things are good, but I'm speaking in terms of the details...the stuff after you're thankful for what you should be thankful for. The complaints you are allowed to make until life really shows you how bad things can be. My problems are not "bad," they are just my problems right now.

So, having that said, I'm feeling really warn out. I feel like I can't trust anyone (meaning strangers.) I feel like everyone is just a fucking liar. And I don't understand what I did exactly? So, I went to an audition that lead to callbacks, that lead to my living in a house for a few months while people filmed it. Why does that mean I should be harassed by people? What exactly did I do to anyone personally that they try to get me fired from my job, they tell me they're going to buy my car when they have no intention of buying it? What the fuck did I ever do to anyone that was so offensive?

Why the fuck do people go out of their way to be rude to other people? Why, if someone comes up to you and asks you a question at a checkout counter do you have to act like such a bitch? Why when someone orders food from you do you have to act like it's a pain if your ass to put that order in? Shit, I complained on this site everyday about customers, but I GAVE those motherfuckers good service even if they were annoying to me because they came out to the restaurant to get it. Because it's my FUCKING JOB to treat people with good service, even if I hate it!

I just don't understand people. I don't. I don't know how anyone ever could. How can people just fucking rob stores when the people in the store worked so hard to make an honest living? Why would someone just grab and rape a woman to feel powerful? Why do people feel the need to project such anger and hatred to people they don't even know?

Hey, I talk shit about people on here, like celebrities I don't know. Does that mean I would walk up to Jessica Simpson and tell her she sucks? No, because I have my opinion, and I'm not going to try to get in her way to give it to her unlike so many assholes who seek out me email address to just let me know how I've ruined their lives by being on their TV screen. Whatever. Did I ever DO anything worth REMEMBERING on my shows? Hardly. Like, who fucking cares if I sell shit on ebay? Everyone else uses ebay, but I'm not allowed to because I was a stupid reality show and that's manipulative to sell shit? Whatever. Fuck you.

Why can't people just go about their own damn lives and mind their own damn business? I'm telling you, spending an entire two weeks amongst strangers is enough to make me want to lock myself in my apartment and never come out. Never. Only let in the people I KNOW are good people. People I KNOW are reliable, people who can enjoy life without going out of their ways to pollute others with their bitter resentment and verbal poison. What the fuck is wrong with some people?

Ever see that Mad About You episode when Jamie and Paul just can't get through the city without being bombarded by assholes? Everyone is just unbelievably rude and unnecessarily awful for no reason other than being an asshole. Then the episode ends with them bumping into one kind soul that does them a favor, and all their faith is renewed. It's the most beautiful thing in the world.

During the week of September 11th, 2001, I cried with the rest of the world over the sadness, the anger, the loss. But whenever they showed clips of the nations across the world crying for us, waving our flag, singing our song; whenever they showed strangers on the street embracing and comforting each other; whenever love in its purest form was visible - just completely unbiased, completely welcoming - that is when I cried the most. Seeing people love one another. This is my obsession. This is why I'll watch a million romantic comedies before I die. This is why Mad About You will always make me happy. This is why I can hardly even tell my family and friends how much they mean to me. Love is so simple and so beautiful. And it is SO powerful. Imagine an entire week going by where everyone is nice, or at least respectful. Imagine no one taking out their own problems on you, for JUST A WEEK? Wouldn't it be a spectacular week? It seems so rare. It just seems impossible that people are...nice to each other.

And when you bump into too many circumstances where no one is kind back, when you smiled after approaching them, when you thanked them for their service, when you said please and thank you without a bit of sarcasm and they are just horrible to you in return - you decide it's not worth it. You feel like an asshole even trying to be kind when no one will be kind back, and then you are one them. One of those people who are destroying other people's inclination to be initially kind and gracious. It's contagious, just as much as kindness, but I feel myself hardening sometimes. I feel myself being constantly disappointed.

I know a lot of you feel that way. You had a bad day, people were shits for no reason. You wonder how much of it was your fault.

Today, this woman was so completely cold me because I'm sure she was dealing with angry passengers all day. She was behind the counter at the gate and she was just awful. I had a long day, a long week, so I started crying when I walked away - just exhausted by all this negative energy. Then, she called my name to say I had a seat. I walked back up to the counter, and she looked at me. With a sweet, sympathetic voice she asked, "What's wrong?" I was so happy to just see some slice of compassion in another human being that day that I told her nothing was wrong, and I wiped my face and smiled. Part of me wanted to tell her that my problem at that point had been her attitude serving as the camel-back-breaking straw, but what good would that have been? I was glad she was nice now.

Of course, I return home to receive some hate mail, find out that the buyer I agreed to for my car completely lied to me for a month for no other reason than to just make my life difficult, to having lost my passport, to just an endless string of frustration. I have so much to do before this move, and I wish all I had to do was focus my energy on the people I love.

Basically, I just want to be settled. Sadly, it's pretty far away.

I know there are ways to be positive, and at times, I definitely am. But this is just a really big step for me, and I realize how little I've accomplished in life without help. I realize how much I have to grow in the world of taking care of myself. I rely a lot on other people to help me, and I'm not very proud of that. I worry that I can't handle much on my own. I guess this move will prove a lot to me.

I'm going to go. I'll talk later. I have more errands to run than God.

(A few hours later...)

I feel weird now about having been so dramatic. I think it all just bubbled up too much and I took it all to a new level. I'll be normal tomorrow...hopefully.