It has been suggested to me in a very ugly conversation that I may be avoiding getting a job subconsciously because I'm afraid. Afraid of like four million things. One - the commitment. Two - of dealing with this whole not-sure-exactly-what-I'm-looking-to-do-right-now factor. Three - all the other crap that comes with it. Part of me was extremely offended by this. Another part of me thought it may be true. And then another part of me thought, "Is it even subconscious? I think I may know that right up here in the very front of my brain."

Sometimes I think that if I keep busy looking (to myself) that I'm working really hard getting a job, then I can walk around NOT having a job and blaming it on the job market, or the economy in general, or even maybe the poor-little-me trick.

See, then there is a part of me that wants a job really fucking bad (which doesn't necessary mean I want to LOOK for the job.) I love working. I like getting up at the same time everyday and listening to Stern on my drive to work. I love getting that paycheck and KNOWING I worked for it. I had a dream last night that I went back to the insurance company I worked at over the summer. I went back just for a day, to visit, but then offered to work for the day...for fun. FOR FUN, people! I think my subconscious must be tired of not working too...when I'm having dreams of working for free at my summer temp jobs.

It was a cool dream though. Not all my old friends worked there though, but Dan, the manager was still there. Everyone was in a great mood. The REASON why they were so happy cracks me up because I think everything going on in the back of brain is too obvious right now. Basically, they were all happy because they altered the feng shui of the office...or gave it feng shui. Not sure what's the correct way to say that, but you know what I mean. They no longer use the overhead fluorescent lights. The whole office was filled with these warm, golden glowing table lamps. There were plants everywhere. The walls were painted these amazing colors. One would be this slate, another a rich burnt sienna. No plaster or gray and white boards. Everything was wooden, a nice finish and stain. Everyone was SO happy and all because it was decorated so well and so conducive to a productive mentality. Wow. I've got problems.

So, yes, I do want a job. But I need to go about this a different way because I don't feel like I'm accomplishing a damn thing right now.

What else, what else?

Here's a feeling I hate: Let me present it by how it came about. "I need a disk to put my resume on. I don't have any blank disks though. Oh, here's a disk for resumes. Wait, it has some of my website stuff on it. Where then are those disks that I put my website stuff on? Hmm...wait a minute. I remember having a box of disks in Boston, and I didn't use them all. I would never throw that away. I must have packed them. I think that I put those used disks in with that box of blank ones. Where did I pack them? I think I unpacked everything though, so now where are they?"

It's the feeling of I-have-it-here-somewhere-but-I-have-no-idea-where. Shitty feeling.

I need to get out of the apartment. Later.