I wanted to talk first about something random. The ending to Goonies has always bothered me. I mean, I know all that was important to them was that they didn't have to move away, so the jewels in the marble bag was apparently enough to cover all that. I mean, they look like shit you can buy at Claire's Boutique, but whatever, we have to assume they're real. Anyway, before even assessing exactly how much they're worth, they're tearing up the contract as if we know for a fact that it will cover ALL the property. ALL OF IT - where each and every one of those families live. And then there are the other issues of practicality. They're supposed to move in like a day, but hardly anything is packed up. And if they're moving in a day, don't they have plans already to live somewhere else? Have not every single one of those families signed leases or mortgages for new homes? Can they even just get out of that so easily? They've probably got new jobs all lined up, signed up for new schools. I mean, can you just cancel all of that because of a marble bag full of rubies and emeralds?

But what ALWAYS bothered me, even when I was little and seeing the movie for the first time, was how they just watch that pirate ship drift off. No one is sailing it, it's just a whole lot of skeletons and gold. Great, they get to stay in the boondocks, or whatever it's called and however it's spelled, but don't they want to live in style? I mean, we already know that Mikey and Bran's family need a new screen door. "Oh, we have our piece of shit home back. Why go after that SHIP FULL of BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF UP-FOR-GRABS TREASURE!!!??" Come on! They just sit on a rock and admire the damn thing. At least Chunk needs that cash. They're bringing in Sloth - where's he going to sleep, how can they afford to feed him? I'd be running into that water and swimming until my arms fell off. Go get the coast guard or SOMETHING! It's dangerous for one - that ship can crash into a dock or something and kill people. But let me stress again - it's ALL THAT MONEY!!! They searched forever for that damn treasure. They almost died like 500 times. Shouldn't they be going after it? UGH, it made me so mad.

Back to talking about job searches - so if you're as sick of reading about this topic as I am of experiencing it, feel free to stop reading. Not being able to find work is a shitty feeling difficult to get past. You go through various phases of coping. Sometimes you think, "Enough of this shit. I'm getting a job today." And then another day, you just can't do it anymore. You can't. You get depressed and start believing you might never work again. And then you find yourself so disappointed that you got here, that you allowed yourself to be so unfocused for so long, so that you're turning 25 without a damn thing under your belt propelling you forward towards something substantial, something solid. It's scary to think about starting all over again, starting at the bottom. You feel like all these years of busting your ass in school would GET you somewhere, but it doesn't. It gives you no guarantees. You're still inexperienced in everything. You still have no answers, and you're still not exactly sure what the questions are. You're lost. And the more you try to get the bottom of it, to make a decision, to find a starting place, the more confused you feel. Like trying to stand up when you've been wiped out by a wave. You try to find the surface, and you may be swimming to the side, not even aware you're not headed up.

And the more time that passes, the less clear you are on what you want to do. You know you'll accept anything, but you fear that whatever you take will have you doing some serious grunt work - paying some serious dues in a business you're not sure you want to be in in the first place. You'll end up with no money, and no time, and the bottom rung of a ladder you didn't even want to climb. And the more desperate you get, the more confused you get. And the simple questions people ask you thinking that it'll help you figure some shit out about yourself, the more frustrated you become. You start forgetting what your skills were in the first place. You start to wonder if maybe you can't do anything well.

I don't mind starting at the bottom in general. Not at all. I know I'll be paid shit no matter where I start, but it's frustrating to think you may be starting at the very bottom of a place where even the TOP might not be appealing. That's all I meant.

Then you realize that every one of your friends, and I mean every last one of them, is on some path somewhere. On some road, doing something that they love, that they care about. They're all years ahead of you even if they started years behind you. You look around and you wonder what the hell went wrong with you. Why are you the last person of all the people you befriended in your life to have a clue about where to begin and what to do? How did so much time pass and you couldn't decide on a damn thing? You can't even make up something. How did YOU become the biggest loser when you thought you'd have something good going? When the HELL will the answers come to you? What the hell do you do in the meantime?

Thing is, no one cares that you don't have a job. All those people that pass around your resume, all those interviewers who never call you back, even just to tell you to get lost - THEIR lives are not affected by YOU not having a job. They couldn't give two shits that you're where they may have been before someone was good enough to give them a break and hire them. YOU are the only one who's worried about it, and you're pretty sure that's not going to change.

Now, I've hit the strangest place of this whole no-job depression - exhaustion. I feel like I've never been this tired. I'm wondering if I've eaten something strange - that's how weird it feels. Like I can't keep my eyes open. I just want to lay in bed in silence. Maybe read some more, and that's it. That's all I can handle. I have not been doing anything so strenuous or even so lazy that should have me feeling this way.

What's worse is now what happens when people try to talk to me about what I want to do - when this conversation happens as it does maybe twice a day:

"What do you do for a living?"

"Um, nothing, I'm looking for work?"

"Oh. Where are you looking to work?"

"Well, I'm not quite sure..."

"Well, what business?"

"Um...anything, really? I'm sort of spread thin. I have many interests..."

"Well, do you want to be behind a desk, on a set, what?"

"Uh...yeah, both sound great. I mean, I would take a job in either because they both sound wonderful..."

Seriously - I'm not saying this to be fluffy and stupid. I seriously think both sound fine. I think I'd be happy doing either. And you know what happens when you pick one? Then someone immediately tells you of something that is the opposite of what you said. Then you say, "Oh, I could do that," and they say, "No, see, you really wouldn't like that because it's a desk job," and you can't convince them otherwise. They rule you out. They think, "Oh, she really wants the opposite so she'll do poorly if it's a desk job since I know that's not what she wants to do." It's like you're screwed.

Well, my point is that when the conversation starts - like it does every fucking day times 5 since I've moved out here, now the tears just well up in my eyes. Thank God for contacts, I get to blame it on them. I get so sad that I have to have this stupid conversation again with no more answers to those questions the first time they were asked that I just start crying right there and then, and I can't stop. And the contact-excuse doesn't work if you can't stop, because when your contacts are dry, your nose doesn't get red and runny, and your face doesn't get flushed. You just want to throw your hands up and say, "I don't know!!! I guess I'm stupid, okay? I guess I don't know anything about myself or what I want to do. I know I just need to do something or I'm going to fucking die inside. So do you KNOW OF ANYTHING, I don't care what the fuck it is and if you KNOW OF ANYTHING - CAN YOU JUST FUCKING HIRE ME!!!!!!!!!??????????"

And giving advice to someone in my position is SOOOO easy for anyone who is NOT in my position. It's like as if the answers are so simple and it's amazing that I haven't figured them out. "Just have a prepared answer when someone asks those questions." Have an answer? Which is what? Trust me, I would love to have an answer. So, for a while I said PR. I know I could do PR though I've never done it, so I started saying PR.

"What kind of PR?"

"Uh...not sure, exactly..."

"Do you have any experience in PR?"

"Not so much..."

"Well, how did you become interested in PR?"

Because PR sounds better than "I have no fucking clue"?? Then the other advice is to look at Monster.com. I KNOW some of you out there have explored that world, and I know some of you who have have explored that world without a clue which category to even pick to begin the search. "Just pick one" is the other piece of advice. Have you ever looked at these sites? 60 categories. 60. Oh God, it's so exhausting, I don't even want to talk about it anymore.

I'll write some other time. I need to lie down. I can't even talk about this anymore.