There are a lot of things I'm trying to adjust to with this new life as a working woman. This isn't the first job I've ever had, but every other job I've ever had came with an expiration date. I knew I'd be going back to school, moving back to Boston, leaving for LA. I never started a job with even a wonder that I might end up there forever, or at least for years to come.

What I wish I could have - a job that I'm really passionate about, that I bust my ass doing from 9 to 5, 5 days a week, and then I spend my evenings and weekends with my loved ones and friends relaxing and enjoying each other. Then at night, I come home, read a little, and go to sleep. And I want that job to be earning me 6 figures so that I can go shopping on Saturdays and feel really fresh and sexy when I go out Friday nights.

Unfortunately, the six figure job will never come with those perfect hours, not conflicting with my social life and my weekends off in Palm Springs. That future I'm trying to build for myself is not some easy, flawless, fun package. And therein lies my problem - I want everything, including free time - and that's a stuck-up, selfish way of looking at life. No, I'm taking that back. That's a little harsh. There is nothing wrong with wanting it all, the problem is in EXPECTING it all, and then complaining about it when you do get it. I've done that. I confess. It's wrong and snobby, but it was something I was feeling. And you know why? Because of that goddamn Real World giving me a false lesson about easy money. Who wants to work long weeks when you can make 5 times what you normally would in one hour on a college campus? Well, I guess I would when I feel stupid being at those things because I feel as though I have done nothing worthy of talking about on a stage. Point is, I wanted everything, but I realized that I couldn't have it. So, I had to figure out what it is that I do want, what I want most. I had to make a list of priorities. Though spending time with friends and having time to relax at the end of every day has always been something I really love, I decided that what I want more is to build a career for myself, something to be proud of, and something that will one day afford me the standard of living I want for myself without having to depend on my husband's income.

So, I got this job. It's a good job. Actually, it's a great job. It's challenging - mentally, it makes the days and the weeks race by. I'm constantly trying to be better at it, and frustrated when I'm not doing as well I should be. I'm learning a million things and I think I'm going to become a better person all around through this experience. I'm in an opportunity that will allow me to do the things I want to do and earn the kind of living I want to earn. But sacrifices must always be made when you want a solid career that may push past the average income. If I want a lot, I have to work a lot, and most importantly, I have to learn alot about being smart with the decisions I make and where my money goes. I need to be as educated as I can possibly be, and this will end up taking those few hours I have when I get home from work at 10pm. I'm working 70 hour weeks that will soon increase to 80 as I get promoted. I barely have time to sit down and think about anything.

Making sacrifices is scary. I think about what's important in life, how I would feel if I died tomorrow, and by that - it's always difficult to gauge priorities. If I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn't want to be at work, I'd want to spend every hour of that day with those I love. If I were told I'd live to be 98 and have 4 children, then I'd spend these young years busting my ass as hard as I could to set up a future that is solid and sturdy. It just seems impossible to know that's more important because it always depends on the cards life will deal you.

So, I made a list. I made a list of everything I want out of life and of all the obstacles that would keep me from getting those things. I looked at what I wanted and realized that my free time would have to go now while I'm young, while I have the energy and passion. Now, it's time to make things happen for myself, to be smart, be responsible, and take control so I can make that future mine. I need to stop complaining about everything and just make things happen.

That can be hard, that can be scary. But that's what I have to do, right?

I like Britney's new album, but I'm not obsessed with it. I cannot get a few songs out of my head, so that's usually a sign that I'll be listening to it quite thoroughly over the next few months.

I think it's very sad and very strange that Jonathan Brandis is dead. I had such a little crush on him after IT and Ladybugs. He was THE hottie in that age group at that time. I was so all about him. Though I haven't seen him for years, and I only remember him from when I was 10 or 12, I still think it's strange that he's gone.

I have like five hundred more errands to run. Hopefully, I'll post again soon and it won't be so lame and short.