I wrote the entry below when I was in Boston at my mom's. It's most likely laced with grammatical errors and just plain careless errors, but my editor is not in town, and I wanted to get this up. I'll post a fixed version later.

Also, today would really be one of those days where it would be nice to have a desk job. I'm still sick.

11/27/03

I just took some cough syrup, so I’m hoping this will remotely make sense. I had my first and last negative response from a speaking engagement. A week ago, Malik and I headed out to Arkansas to speak at a leadership conference. When we had first signed onto the deal several months ago, I was lead to believe we’d be discussing social responsibilities of public figures. Later, I came to learn we were to talk about our time on the show and how we used that experience to later become good leaders. If you’re following along as you’re supposed to, you’d already see the problem here. How does being on the Real World qualify us as great leaders? Exactly, it doesn’t. Herein lies the problem.

So, before the engagement, I asked our booking agent what it was we were supposed to talk about and asked why Malik and I were chosen. Apparently, it was because I went back to finish up college and get my degree, and Malik was working to put together his clothesline. We were to talk about business, leadership, and education. Still, the content was confusing. Sure, I just got this job less than a month ago, but as of this past June, why was I selected to go talk about business? What the hell did I know about business? I still don’t know much about it and I’m in it. When I was asked to do that job, I was pretty much unemployed, my college degree doing absolutely nothing but collecting dust in my closet along with creased Santa hats and little gap bags I saved thinking I’d use them for something one day.

So, I called up the man who was running the event and talked to him briefly about it. He said he wanted us talk about our experiences and how the show lead us to be where we are now. Like I said, importance of education, and shit like that. Sounded fine to me. I thought we’d be walking into a room of Real World fans where they would just want to hear us talk about what we went through and where we ended up and the lessons we learned. That would be easy enough to do. After all, at this point, that’s all I have to offer.

We showed up and the vibe was nothing like we expected. Everyone was sitting at desks with the binders filled with useful information about getting ahead, investing, and business. They all seemed pleasant and motivated, but not so much fans of the show, more like curious of what it was to offer them. This gave for an awkward start, and I could see right away that this talk may not go as I thought it would. So, they begin by reading our bios. The bios were written two years ago. I was 21, and right off the show – ready to become something hopefully glamorous, but not sure what it was that I wanted or how I would get there. Since then, I’ve drastically changed, as one would know if they followed this website since it’s beginning. My wants and needs have turned more for the practical and less for the fabulous. I began to crave stability and routine, and realized that the entertainment industry was not for someone with skin as thin as mine, someone who worshipped 9 to 5.

Anyway, after the bios were read, I began by saying that it was funny to hear those bios because they no longer feel true. My bio stated that my real passion was for singing, and since then, my passions have changed. So, I explained that the experience with the Real World helped me realize that a lot of things I wanted in life were not really what I wanted

But there was another major point I wanted to make very clear at the beginning. When we sat down, Malik and I thought we were supposed to be talking about the importance of education, but as we looked around the room and saw the faces of all these young students who not only valued education but were active leaders within the organizations, I realized that everything I had to say about that point would be a waste of time. The last thing these people need to hear is about how staying in school and completing your education is important when they are already here at 8:30am on a Saturday morning just so they can help influence OTHER people to value school. It would be like talking to a room full of priests about the importance of organized religion. Yeah, I think they get that already.

So the insecurities began to set in because I was afraid of wasting their time. I thought about the position I was in, where I was in life (entry-level at a direct advertising firm), and found it would be ridiculous to lecture ANYONE about being a leader when I clearly was not. I imagined those students whispering to each other, “Who the hell is she to tell us how to be a leader? What had SHE done that we aren’t already doing and then some?” So, I addressed the issue straight up. I told them that it was beginning to feel a little strange being there because I did not want to claim that I knew so much more than the rest of them, that I’m this perfect success story from which they should all learn. I told them that Malik and I don’t walk around preaching that we’re role models for everyone, but that we still tried to represent ourselves well, especially when people are paying attention to us.

Malik and I were going back and forth discussing where we were in life and what we were doing. Malik talked about how he was able to use connections from the show to help move his clothesline along. I, however, was having a very different experience. I had learned that for me, to be successful was to move away from the show – not because I’m better than it, but because the show did not open any doors that I wanted to go through. The show helped me realize that there were things in life that I wanted that involved not being on TV, but involved a lot of hard work in business fields. I talked about how I was spoiled from the show from easy money and seemingly open opportunities. I talked about I was deceived by what it meant to work hard for money because it could come so easily off the show. I talked about avoiding easy-money situations. Now, these kids are not on reality shows and don’t plan to be, so I’m not going to talk about how becoming a reality personality may not be the best path for everyone. That would just be stupid. So, I related those illusions of easy living to organized college life. I related easy money to working at clubs or restaurants where you come home with a lot of cash, but are most likely not building towards anything so that your situation can grow into something more profitable. I said how it was hard to go from waitressing to what I’m doing now because I’m making so much less money now, but how I’m paying my dues so I can learn about business and management and then one day have a situation that can bypass the money from waiting tables. I gave a list of books I’m reading or about to read about the importance of FINANCIAL education, and the keys to success, keys I don’t quite possess but that I’m working towards. I asked the audience questions and tried to use whatever knowledge I was drawing from to relate to their situation.

Was this all as clear cut and organized as I am explaining it now? No. It was more conversational, the points I’m making now came up sporadically according to how the conversation was moving between Malik and I and the audience.

I walked out of there not feeling great about it. I felt that our experiences and stories would not educate these people at all and that they would learn more from people who actually reached their goals in life. It felt hypocritical to teach about leadership when I’m not a leader, and the premise of our being there was nothing that I anticipated. I know when I can someone, and I KNOW when I can’t.

Two days later, I was forwarded an email written by the organizer of the event. He was absolutely horrified by performance and called me a whole list of names. (Mind you, when Malik approached him afterwards and asked how he thought it went, the man gave him good reviews.) He described our talk as “dreadful at best,” and blamed this colossal failure entirely on me.

Firstly, I had received no information from this man about where I was to go once my plane landed and how I was to get there. When I met him, he handed me the email he had sent me, and I told him that I could not understand why I had not received it. As to avoid calling him a liar or looking like I liar myself, I suggested that maybe his email went directly to my bulk/junk mail folder, (which I never check since it’s usually porn sites that got my address through KaZaA). Apparently, this whole email situation had this man in a tizzy because he complained about it to the booking agent, pretty much suggesting that I was a liar. Interesting, right there.

Here are some excepts from his complaint about me, and you can see where things are taken out of context:

"She began her comments to the students with "I'm not quite sure why I'm here." She then went on to say that the introduction that we pulled from the biography that you sent was incorrect. (Malik echoed that sentiment.) She was not sure where "people" got that information because those things were just not true. She negated her entire "Real World" experience saying things like, ‘I really don't benefit from my experiences on the show . . .’

You can see how he’s painting a picture drastically different from what had happened. From his descriptions, I’m leaning back in my chair with my feet up on the table, snapping my gum, rolling my eyes, and mumbling, “What am I DOING here?” I made no such comment of “where did people get that information.” Obviously, that would be absurd being that I WROTE that bio MYSELF. My point, that I did in fact make, was that I had written that several years ago and many things have changed since then. I did not negate my experience on the show as in it did not affect my life. It COMPLETELY affected my life, but it taught me more of what I did NOT want rather than offering a plateau towards what I DID want. So, no, I didn’t benefit from my experiences on the show in that the show took me somewhere, I did benefit from learning that I did not like where the show could take me.

See, this is where my opinion differed from the man who had hired us. Apparently, he was looking for us to talk about how the show made us leaders, but it didn’t. Not at all. Sure, it gave us a voice, and that’s what I thought we were using. With my voice, with my opportunity to talk to these students, I tried to express that need for focusing on stability, success, and passion for learning and absorbing information, that experiences like this show does not necessarily make your life great. That here I am, starting at the bottom so I can work my way up instead of trying to skip some steps with an illusion towards fame and fortune that I knew would never come for me on the Real World path. For others, it does work, but for me, it did not. Isn’t that a positive thing to learn? That just because I was on TV, I’m NOT above working 70 hours a week at entry-level so I can one day grow to make something of myself? Isn’t that something they would want to hear rather than hearing that the show gave me some easy way out, and no one there would have it that easy because they were not on TV?

But according to this man, “Lori seemed to be far too
important to be bothered by even being here.” Really? Is that so?

Now, check out this statement. This one is rich:

“Know that I’ve arranged visits for Spike Lee, Danny Glover, Edward James Olmos, Anita Hill, and most recently Rosie Perez, and never have I been greeted with such unmitigated arrogance.”

Apparently, he took my anxiety of “Why am I important enough to be here,” to be “Why am I wasting my time here on you people?” These are two very different situations, and from what I recall, I was taking as many verbal precautions as I could with the audience to assure them I was NOT so arrogant to claim I was an expert. If there has ever been a situation more misconstrued then I have yet to witness it.

One of my pet peeves is people lecturing other people on shit they know nothing about. It drives me insane. I didn’t want to be one of those people. I think this man wanted me to be though.

Have you all seen the Sex and the City where Carrie was asked to give a lecture on how to meet men in New York? All these women showed up to hear her lecture, and while she was standing up there, she realized she was unqualified for the subject. She had no answers, she wasn’t married, and standing on stage as though she could solve all their problems was a waste of THEIR time (not focusing on how it was at all a waste of hers). Everyone in the audience was annoyed and pissed. They demanded to be reimbursed. Some women in the audience most likely thought Carrie was being arrogant – who the hell does she think she is talking to us about men when she can’t even keep one?, when really, it was Carrie that agreed. It felt like a joke, and lie to be up there talking to these people about success and leadership when I’m so far from it. I thought it was better to be honest with them. The truth is, there was nothing I could do to make the situation better. I had nothing to offer them at this point. No wisdom, no lessons, no advice.

When the man realized this as well, I think he took out his poor judgment on me. He had booked two people to speak about leadership when they had no leadership to draw from, and rather than acknowledging that he had made the mistake, he took his humiliation out on me. I shared with them my experience and my lessons. Apparently, my life was a waste of his time. And you know what? That’s fine with me. I will never claim to be more than I am. I am a girl working really hard to build a future for myself. I will never fill a room’s head with bullshit and lies, I’ll always just tell you exactly how I feel. It cannot be my fault if you don’t like it.

So, needless to say, I was infuriated by his email. I addressed him on it via email and he has yet to offer a response. I find that ironic. All of a sudden, he is too important to even tell me how he feels himself. All I ever did was be honest.

To the students who were at the lecture (and I am positive that not a single one of you will be reading this), I deeply apologize for wasting your time that morning, as I most certainly did.

Why am I wasting my energy on this? I don’t know, because I obsess over things naturally and because I thought it would be an interesting story to tell you guys. I just think it’s crazy and fascinating when people say you’re something and you’re the exact opposite. Like in Say Anything – everyone thought that girl was all arrogant and too important for everyone else, when really she was socially awkward and insecure and would have loved to have more friends and talk to people.

Goddamn, that guy pissed me off. Being misunderstood is so fucking annoying.

Okay, I’m done with that topic. Moving on. I’m in Boston now. Feels like I never left. I slept for nearly the whole flight, and even though it felt like a cat nap of about 30 minutes, I could still feel that I had traveled a long way. I had just flown across an entire continent in less than 6 hours, from one coast to another, and here I sit in my mom’s spare room, typing away at 2:42am because it’s only 11:42pm in my head, and because I have nothing to do tomorrow but have great conversation, eat a whole lot of food, and take as many naps as I possibly can. It’s a dream come true.

My mom asked me if I’m happy tonight. I realized that I am. The more I learn about my job, the more I discover exactly HOW hard it is. I’m glad about that. If I thought it were going to be easy only to discover later on that it would be a bigger challenge than I thought, then I would be disappointed. Now, I know what I’m in for, and I’m ready to take it on.