I haven't written in so long that if there is anyone out there reading this, it would be a shock to me. I guess I'm not writing this for an audience then, I guess it's because I need to write a little even though it's so late and I need a good night's rest. I'll have to keep it short.

I've been gone because of work for the most part. 80 hour work weeks don't leave much time for reflection. You have barely enough time to sleep, much less have a life, much less write about it. I should be in bed right now, but I'm going to give myself a break because if there were ever a time for soul searching reflection, this would be it.

It's so strange how life works, isn't it? I know it's a statement that doesn't exactly inspire any new thought in this universe, but sometimes I'm truly fascinated by the twists and turns that come most unexpectedly. It's like driving in a heavy fog. You're still moving forward, and you can see you're on a road going somewhere, but only once the road actually turns do you even know that's the way you're headed.

Sometimes I look at where I am, what I'm doing, and who is around me, and I can't even see how things turn out the way they do. How in a week's time, you can end one life end with a new one already beginning filled with new friends, new places, big plans, and bright futures. All of this while mourning an old life you once lived so happily. Sometimes, there aren't even any transitional periods. Sometimes, you wake up and a whole new life is handed to you, and you can't even believe you're the same person. It's like I feel like people shouldn't even call me Lori because the world is unrecognizable to me, so should I be unrecognizable to it?

It's the age old, "How did I get here?" contemplation. Nothing ever seems to make sense no matter what you plan to do.

I'm not sure how I feel about anything. I find it to be bizarre how many emotions a person can have simultaneously. How I can feel terrified, lonely, and heartbroken, but also feel hopeful, eager, and motivated. How some moments I just want to lie in bed with a glass of wine and curse the universe for not giving me some better warnings, and then other moments finding myself curious about the deliciousness of newness and fresh possibilities. How one second I think there is no way I could find another home in my heart, and the next wonder if pleasant surprises are just around the corner.

Moving on, moving forward, taking steps in positive directions - why is that always so confusing? Why do we sometimes believe that life is really pushing towards one light up ahead only for there to be so many detours and roadblocks along the way that the lights won't ever get closer? How much of life is a mirage, an illusion, a joke on me? How much of it is a lesson?

Why when you work so hard towards something can't that something meet you halfway and work a little towards you?

How do these changes even happen?

I'll talk more later. I'm falling asleep.