I'm so lazy right now that I can't deal with all the little details for putting up a new entry. I have to come up with like ten new files just to post a new entry and have everything aligned, and you know what? That'll be a project for another day because right now, I just feel like typing and talking, and I don't care if the site's a little messed up and disorganized tonight. I need to get some jumbled thoughts off my chest, and for some reason, I feel like doing that out loud.

I've become dangerously introspective about my career recently. This past week has been a real eye-opening experience, and I believe I see everything differently. One of my managers told me that this business would reveal to me things about myself that I might never had known. That this business forces major personal growth, and that it's all a good thing, but it can be very difficult. This career has been one great version of The Neverending Story, and I'm Atreyu. So confident when I first walked in, and so completely ready in mind, body, and spirit to take on my mission, but as the journey goes on, the quest proves more and more difficult, and seems more and more impossible. And though the battle grows rapidly, so does the desire to conquer and fight. Here I am fighting something so enormous, but it is Nothing. It's a war against the unknown, and it doesn't begin anywhere, doesn't end anywhere and is all consuming. Travelling to the edge and back, facing my own worth against my self-doubt, all this just to accomplish the simplest of tasks. Searching for something that has been with me all along, but not knowing how to do whatever it needs to do.

I'm trying to juxtapose the most contradicting concepts. To learn how to be simultaneously passionate and indifferent, self-challenging without being too hard on myself, "pushing myself forward" without "working too hard," serious while having nothing but fun, relaxed and conversational while being quick and to the point, personal while being business-like. I don't know how to do any of this, but I know it has to happen. I don't know how to take pressure off myself when all I want to do is succeed. The will is there, and I don't know how to find the way. And the answer is so simple, but KNOWING the answer doesn't mean that you actually have it. Understanding a concept does not mean living it. It's like the solution to my entire business to right behind a sheet of glass - I can see it, I know it's there, but I can't fucking get to it. I'm trying to change the way I think, and I've been thinking the same damn way my entire life. I'm trying to learn how to NOT think about things, how to stop being analytical, how to stop finding the negative, how to take control, how to make choices, how to respond and not react, how to be a hero and not a victim. But with all growth comes growing pains, and my mind is aching.

I want to be successful so badly that my own desperation for it is almost becoming a liability. It's just like trying to untie a knot that has been locked up, warn, wetted, and fraid. How does a person erase all that they are and become a new person? How do I learn how to genuinely NOT care, NOT stress, and NOT THINK about something I want so badly, something I'm determined to get, something that is becoming my entire life? Because it's only when you've stopped caring and stopped looking does the answer actually come. Okay, so how do you MAKE that the case rather than waiting for it to be the case?

I want so badly to not give a fuck. I want so badly to just be amazing at this naturally without having to think twice about it. I know that even writing this is over-analyzing, and I'm over-complicating to the extreme, but when there are thoughts in my head, I don't know how to erase them. When something is on my mind, I don't know how to NOT try to unscramble them. I don't know HOW to trust myself enough.

How can I be so confident in some areas of my life and not confident in this? Why can't I just KNOW I'm going to do well everyday when I walk into work rather than praying I will do well? Why haven't I figured this shit out yet? When will I relax and find simplicity?