I started a diet this week. Actually, no. I'm going to call it a fitness program because the word "diet" somehow has come to suggest not eating, or not eating as much. I'm eating as much as I used to, I'm just not eating shit anymore. It's not as hard as I thought it would be. 6 days a week of a workout program and eating right, then the 7th day you don't workout and you eat whatever the fuck you want. Pretty sweet, huh? It's the Body for Life program that has been around forever. I have an actual workout program, so I'm not just walking into the gym doing a little bit of everything and wasting my time. The book gives you a list of authorized foods and how to put together meals, so I'm never hungry, and I'm eating full healthy meals. It's great. It's only been one week, and I'm bloated like a mother fucker because of my upcoming woman-week, so it doesn't necessarily feel as though I'm accomplishing much, but I know I am. Hope to see results in a couple of weeks. It's really exciting. Didn't know I would have the discipline to actually eat right since I never have before in my life. Not even close.

I guess you could say I'm in a healthy place now. Getting to know a lot about myself.

Um...anyway, apparently, I'm in middle school again because I really excited about Mean Girls, 13 Going on 30, and Olsen twins movie. The Olsen twins I'm not SO excited to see, but I would absolutely go if someone wanted to go with me. The other two - completely stoked for. In fact, I'm seeing one of them tomorrow, don't know which yet. I think I'm more excited about Mean Girls. Why will that topic forever fascinate me? I think because I was totally uninvolved in that whole thing when I was in high school. Actually, that's not true. I was never mean to anyone, but there were girls mean to me. I've discussed this here a long time ago. The fucking bitches in the grade above me. If ever the C-word were more appropriate, I have yet to discover it. I never did a thing to them, but they sat around after graduation to all bitch about me. First of all - you just graduated, bitches. Can you talk about anything else other than me? Sad. Okay, I should end this. I could go on for a LONG ass time on those stuck-up, two-faced whores. See, for anyone who had an experience like that, you can't help but want to see that Lindsay chick stick it to the Plastics.

So, tomorrow is my first free day. Free day - 7th day of diet, eat whatever you want day. I have guinness in the fridge. Just bought some Haagan Daaz Cookies and Cream. THAT will be my breakfast. YEAH!! I LOVE this diet.

So what else is new? Not too much, I guess. Life feels VERY weird again. So strange. Little to no structure. Don't know who I am, where I am, why I'm here, how I got here, how things got to be how they are, what's next, what I want, where I'm going. Ever felt this way? It's funnot. I'm sort of riding along with life now. I landed here, who knows where I'll land next. I just hope that I'll be happy because I'm starting to realize there are no guarantees for that. Life will take you places you never thought you'd go. Most of you are reading this right now from a desk of a job you NEVER thought you would have and maybe never knew existed before you got there, right? I'm sure it's not what you answered to the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" How many of you had a PLAN for where your life would be by the time you got to the age you're in, and now that you're there, it doesn't resemble that plan? How many people does that scare the shit out of?

It's just that sometimes, I don't understand what's going on, you know? Like walking into a room where people are running around and yelling, and you have no idea what's happening. You just sit in there listening to everyone and hoping that you'll figure it out. Right now, I'm just trying to figure shit out. But I will tell you that I'm lost. I don't know what the next move is, where I should go, or stay, or do, or say.

The weirdest part is that with all this confusion, I'm NOT going crazy. I mean, every single day, I'm confused about what's going on, but I'm not freaking out about it. I'm just curious and hoping shit will fall into place. I mean, one would think I'd be a wreck right now, but I'm not. I just think there are answers out there that I'm not getting. I think mistakes are being made by me, by someone or something, and I don't know who to blame. I'm just really confused about a lot. I really don't think I did anything wrong to deserve this. In fact, I really believe I did everything right, but it's not just me in this, is it?