I've been trying to write on this site for weeks. I would write something stupid, and then I'd bore myself. It's not even that I ever right anything monumental, but sometimes you just get it to all flow. I was forcing myself to write anything, just so I could keep the site updated, but nothing would come out. This has happened before. And I'm sure it's because I'm in a very similar place emotionally as the time when it happened.

I got the new People with the 50 most beautiful people. Jennifer Aniston on the cover, of course. God, I love her so much. I just think she is so normal. She hates fame, but she loves to work. The girl is EVERYWHERE. What a fascinating life. I think I like her so much because she doesn't give off this whole vibe that her life is perfect, but she doesn't preach either about how unlucky she is to be so famous. I hate that shit too. It's like models who talk about how hard modeling is. Shut up. I don't want to hear it. Nobody does. We don't want to hear how you suffer, and no matter how much you try to explain it, we're never going to relate. Fact is, you make shitloads of money by being hot. Sometimes the shoes on the runway may be tricky. Sometimes your photo shoot is at a location a little chillier than you would have hoped. I DON'T FEEL BAD FOR YOU! But I also don't like to hear too much about how happy they are either. Just know you're lucky, and move on. This is why I like the Olsen Twins too. This has been their whole lives. They don't even remember a day in their existence when they weren't stars. Their concept of "norm" is different than ours. They don't sit around preaching about how hard it is to grow up in the spotlight. They don't know how hard it is to grow up out of the spotlight, so they don't TRY to compare. They don't talk about how much money they have even though everyone tries to make them talk about it. They don't complain and they don't brag. They just do their thing and acknowledge the fact that they're having a good time. How can you hate them for that? I love those girls.

Drew Barrymore is on the list. God, I just love her too. Always have. I love that she is capable of looking so unnoticeably normal to looking SO ridiculously gorgeous.

Here's what I don't get. Why are everyone's kids on here? Like Lily Costner. Cute girl, fine, whatever. She does look like her dad, but why is she listed in People's 50 most beautiful people again? She plays flag football. That must be it. No seriously, why should I know she exists? It doesn't even look like she's trying to be in entertainment. Well, it doesn't say so here. Wait...Miss Golden Globes 2004? I don't know what that means. No offense to her, I just don't get how they've picked these people. Then there's Patty Hearst's daughter, Isabella Rossellini's daughter, Keith Richards's daughters. OH WAIT...I'm stupid. It's a section on daughters - so maybe they're not included in the list of 50. I'm not going to count.

The Expecteds are all in here: Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, Beyonce Knowles, Nicole Kidman, Orlando Bloom, Catherine Zeta Jones, Johnny Depp, Charlize Theron, Halle Berry, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Garner, Uma Thurman, Jude Law, Angelina Jolie, then Nick and Jessica, Hugh Jackman, and Lucy Liu (I worship her, or at least Ling on Ally McBeal).

God, it's another gorgeous day. I've lived in this town for 9 months now. Wow, I can't believe it's been that long. Anyway, every single sunny, perfect day, I'm shocked by it. I feel this desperate need to be out there, bathing in it somehow, but I don't know what to do other than literally sit there. I need to go the Renaissance Fair again. That's one way to be outside all day and really ENJOY a day. You all HAVE to go to that thing. It's so damn fun. Besides, there's nothing like a big glass of Guinness at 10am on a Saturday.

What else is there to talk about? Oh, this diet's coming along, I think. I think I see progress. So hard to say. It's like you flex in the mirror everyday to see if it looks different, but it never really does. You have to see yourself in a picture or something and compare it to an old one to really notice anything. And since I never take any pictures, I guess I won't be doing that. I can feel every muscle in my body - my quads, hamstrings, calves, chest, shoulders, back, triceps, biceps, abs. It's great. If you don't work out regularly, I'm going to recommend it. It's so much fun.
I like going to the gym first thing in the morning. Makes you really feel like you've at least accomplished SOMETHING. So even if the rest of the day does nothing for you, you can take a little guilt off knowing that you worked out. Having a job and money would be good though. It's a great feeling when your muscles are always aching just a bit. Just enough to know they're rebuilding.

I have to say, I do like LA. I was warned about it so much that I guess nothing could be as bad as what I expected. Everyone talks about the superficiality of this place. Maybe because I'm not around those types of people. I just see them on occasion if I ever hit up a West Hollywood hot spot. "Hot Spot." I do hate that shit. It's just some bar that's been there, but all of a sudden it's the place to be. Who decides that shit? And why do you go? If you like the bar, you like the bar. What does it matter if other people consider it "hot"? I don't know. I guess LA is strange because you are faced with so many extremes. It's not like Boston where people are all just working - some have higher paying jobs than others, but everyone is taking care of their shit regardless. I love that reliability. Here, it's like you're looking at beautiful people who go to Karaoke with the sole purpose of hoping to be discovered, and then the other beautiful people who are making six figures doing what they love and going to fun parties. I'm sure this will all change once I've settled into some company where people are just working because you work. Thing is, I LOVE going to Hollywood bars and looking at all these aspiring whatevers. No one is Boston is "aspiring." They just work. They're responsible. They work towards their futures. Here, people are all trying to "become" something rather than "being" anything. But it's SO fun to look at them. It's downright fascinating. Going out is like a Halloween where everyone is dressed up as their favorite pop star. I mean, come on! It's hilarious! How is that not fun? Why do people get so frustrated and bummed out about that? Like, people get MAD that LA is filled with these types of people. I think it's like going to a zoo. You just sit on a bench and watch it all. And just like the zoo, it's interesting.

Now, sure, if you're completely submerged in this shit, you'll drown. Absolutely. If I were only around six-figured hotties (and I was at one point), then I'd feel hella insecure. They live a lifestyle you don't understand, that you feel somehow below, even if you know you shouldn't. You get filled with rage and envy, and if you're not involved in the industry, you eventually feel like an imposter. I guess it has to do with whether or not you're proud of what you're doing - and NOT in comparison, but just on your own. If you love what you do, you take care of your shit, and you're proud of yourself, you wouldn't feel envy towards successful industry people - because you don't want to BE IN that industry. Maybe it was just because I never had my own career to be proud of when I was around them. I was just me and without a responsibility or a purpose. That makes sense.

Maybe it wasn't jealousy of people because they were in the industry, or even because they were making so much money (well, I'm always jealous of people who make good money), but maybe it was just that I get jealous of people who love what they do. It's like a dream come true to be in a career that pays well enough so you never have to worry much, and you LOVE doing what you're doing everyday. What purpose! What exhilaration! Those people are the luckiest. I guess it's then easy to feel jealous of any successful actor because name me one that DOESN'T like to act. They all do.

Alrighty. Time to post. I'll talk to you all later.