It's interesting what kind of boxes show up on your screen when you drop something on your keyboard. Ever discover shit like that? Cool computer tricks by accident? Don't you hate when people say "on accident"? Would ever anyone say "by purpose"?

So, my head hurts. Everything hurts. I'm thinking more about LA, and I'm starting to question it again. I've started to wonder if there really is a demon spirit of Hollywood that takes over good, clean people and makes them monsters. You know what? When I started writing this, I didn't even think about how that pertains to Mulholland Drive, but now that I think about it, it kind of does. (Careful reading this if you haven't seen it and plan to.) Regardless of she being in a dream/fantasy state when she arrived in LA with such bright-eyed naivety, I still think when she showed up, she was a better person. She was definitely filled with high hopes, and she came from a smaller, more real world (no pun) where I think she may have had better morals. I think this town can really rid people of their morals, make them into something they're not. Leave them abandoning what they once considered sacred because of their newfound celebrity. I'm sure having fans will do that to you. Having people worship you like a god (or golden calf) all because you've become "visible." I think a solid person filled with love and goodness and high hopes can become LA-ified. First their clothes, then their body. How could the mind not follow? How could the ego not be attached? Somehow, those who were once clean get dirty. Wait, I'm sorry. I mean Dirrty. Let's look at examples of ladies - Christina Aguilera. Genie in the Bottle. Cute ass girl. Gorgeous voice. Only an album or two later, she's turned orange, she has dreadlocks, and she talks like some stereotypical ghetto chick. Not to mention the fact that she lost half her clothes. It was an image-change, something to set her apart, but according to her, it's the "real" her. The irony. It's what she really became, sure, but not how she was. And yes, people change, but doesn't LA (which I'm making synonymous with Fame or the quest for it) MAKE people something else? Change them for the worse? Hey, I still love and listen to her, but I'm just trying to understand this a little better. What about Kelly Clarkson? Now, you all KNOW how I feel about her. I couldn't have been farther up her ass, but do you remember during World Idol when they had clips of her commenting after everyone's performance from some room where she was watching them all on a little TV? She was talking differently. She was no longer small town sweet chick with the big voice. She was saying shit like, "Damn! He good. He real good. He may win 'dis thang." (Slight exaggeration on my part, but there WAS a difference, and I was not the only one to notice.)

What about others? Thing is, I don't know if they realize the change. I think when you change, you never notice. Kind of like working out everyday and looking into the mirror for a six-pack to appear (like I was saying yesterday). Maybe one day, you'll look back at who you were and how you looked, you'll acknowledge a difference, but you'll never understand HOW different you've become. What you've left behind. Who you left behind. I think we all try to become better people as we grow up and move on, but does it always work out that way? Do we sometimes become something different - maybe something people are TELLING you is better simply because of your fame, your face, or because they're downright HIRED to turn you into everyone else? "...all you have to change is everything you are" -Pink. It's only the people who grew, but maybe didn't change that can see the difference, and aren't we almost always disappointed?

That was one thing I was determined to never happen to me. I was warned of the demon of Hollywood and what it might do to me. My sister was afraid I'd stop eating in attempt to look like a bikini model. She couldn't have been more wrong, but I can see now why she thought that way. It's a sad thing when people are so desperate to become something bigger that they let go of how much bigger they really were, when they were themselves. Or maybe those people are sad and pathetic to get so wrapped up in a lifestyle that they go around just preaching who they are never realizing that they no longer are that person at all. Not even close. And that's what really gets me. People who are so delusional that they can't even see that they're liars and hypocrites. It's the saddest part of all.

I won't give more examples. Some are just so obvious that I hope by reading this, they'll know inside it counts as them.

Now, who am I to judge? I don't have too much going on for myself, so maybe it's wrong for me to say a thing about anyone. It's so easy to just say I'm jealous. Like I said yesterday, who couldn't be jealous of people doing well for themselves financially in a business they dreamed to be in unless you're doing something you're proud of yourself? Maybe when I find something to do that I'm proud of, I won't even care anymore about other people's business. I find that hard to believe though. I don't know if I'll ever stop observing the obvious and not think it's horrendous and sad.

I don't know what to say. I'm disgusted. Not with Kelly Clarkson, not with Christina. With the concept mostly. And you can't help but wonder how strong YOU are then in comparison. What's to say what would become of me if certain temptations were thrown in my face. If life became some strange illusion where others cared more for me than deserved - without even knowing me at all. Who knows if we'd get through those first gates on the way to the Southern Oracle unless we walked through them? Maybe we'd get zapped as well. I'm sure those eyes would at least start to open.

But I don't plan on walking through them. I don't have any plans to tempt myself with such bullshit, such a road that could potentially destroy my worth, the little bit of conservatism I may have. I can see why East Coasters can't help but love each other so much once we're over here in the sunshine where beauty is quite literally only skin deep. We cling to each other because we see some sort of self-worth that is so rare. Now, yesterday, I said pretty much the opposite - why get upset over superficiality? Why not look at it and laugh? Well, sometimes it IS personal, and there isn't all that much to laugh about.