So, I don’t know if I’ve told you this before, but I’m going to be changing this site up a little bit. Not in any way that you guys would notice too much, I’m just officially turning this into a weblog rather than…well, whatever this is now where I have to use Dreamweaver, and I can only update when I’m on my computer at home. This new site will allow me to update just through the internet wherever I am, and it’ll do all the tedious updating work for me. This will make posting much easier for me; therefore, I anticipate posting more frequently. One of my readers actually came up with this idea, it’s really cool, you’ll see. Basically, there will be this little calendar on the page showing the month, and for everyday that has an entry in it, that day will be highlighted – like the number will be in color, so then you see all the days I have entries for the month, and you can click directly on that day to see that entry. It’ll be fun.

I got an email from someone asking me why I came to LA and if I would suggest other East Coasters to move out here. I moved out here for personal reasons, so that’s my answer on that. Why I’m still here – basically, I’m sick of moving, and I don’t have the several grand it would cost me to move back. On top of that, it’s like I’m here now. I have to try to make a life for myself, because if you keep hopping around until a place feels like home, you’ll never settle anywhere because you have to take the time to MAKE a place your home. My mom says it takes two years. I believe it. After one year, you get a little antsy, and I definitely am, but this next year will be better. Not sure how or why, but I’m just praying.

Would I suggest to any East Coaster to come out here? Trick question. I mean, are they happy and settled in their life? If so, I wouldn’t suggest they uproot for anything. Are they feeling the need for a big change? Yeah, I guess LA would be an okay move – but it also depends on what that person is like. If they’re a fast-paced, hard-working, driven Corporate America type of person, and they live in Boston and need a change – then move to New York or Chicago. DO NOT move to LA. Jesus, you’ll go crazy. If you’re looking for a new point of view, a totally different environment, looking to relax a little bit, settle down, get out of the snow? Then move to San Diego. I don’t know if I would ever suggest LA to anyone, now that I think about it. The place is just fine, and I’m happy. I still can’t believe I live here. I think it’s pretty funny that I LIVE in LA. It cracks me up. I feel like there is no LA. Even LA is just pretending to be LA. Everyone is dressing a part because they’re supposed to, not because that’s how people actually dress. It’s a mockery of itself. And as I’ve explained before, I both love it and hate for those exact reasons. I don’t think I actually belong here, and I won’t raise three kids here, but it’s okay for now. I haven’t really done enough work to make it my own.

OH! I forgot to tell you that I found an apartment, and I’m writing you from there. It’s beautiful and perfect and wonderful, and I’m SOOOOOO happy with it. I just love it. It’s not done yet. Need some live plants and furniture for the kitchen, but I’m close, and it looks like home. Also, it’s $825 with ALL utilities included. I’m the happiest camper. Basically, I can buy an air-conditioner and blast it in my window ALL day, have a freezing room so that I can get under my covers at night without breaking a freaking sweat, and not worry about a penny because I don’t pay electricity. WOO HOO!!! No parking though. Blah. No laundry. Gotta go to the laundry mat now. I want to go with my hair pulled and pinned in a hankie and play cards with a friend while my clothes dry. Isn’t that how it’s done?

I’m going to address a few more questions I get in emails – probably never doing another challenge again because I work, and most jobs don’t allow you to take a month off to go play on TV. Most companies aren’t too keen on their employees abandoning their responsibilities to get drunk and stupid on national TV. Not that I’d even get drunk and stupid, the point is, I can’t take the time off. And even if I won the damn thing, I’d end up burning all that money looking for a new job.

Singing career - I don’t have one, and I don’t think I ever will unless someone walks up to my door and hands it to me wrapped in a million-dollar bill. I love singing. It makes me happy, and if singing was all there was to being a professional singer, then maybe I would have considered actually pursuing it. But I’m not delusional to think it’s about magazine covers, red carpets, and having fun. It’s a business, and a ruthless business at that. I don’t have the energy, passion, or drive to do whatever it takes to become a professional singer – and I certainly do NOT have thick-skin for the industry. Putting in 100% and whatever else you can squeeze out doesn’t EVEN guarantee you that it’ll work out. I never HAD a singing career to even ask what happened to it. I just liked to sing, and I still do…to myself.

What else is going on…man, not too much. It’s pretty lame, to be honest. I have all this personal work to do, all this self-fulfillment, self-renewal, spiritual betterment bullshit type work to do which includes getting a life, making friends, getting in shape, blah, blah, blah. Ugh, I just want to give the finger to all that crap. I’m not in the mood to become this “better person” half the time. I just want to be left alone – from myself, always trying to make these “smart” decisions to do what’s “right” or to make sure I’m “going in the right direction.” It’s like I almost want to look in the mirror and tell myself to chill the fuck out and just make whatever mistakes I want to make. Sometimes, you just want to do the wrong thing because the wrong things feels good. Yeah, I know, that’s stupid, but is it really? I mean, if doing the right thing means you’re miserable now, but you’ll feel better later – can you BLAME someone for wanting to do the “wrong thing”? It’s like working out – it physically hurts, and you don’t see results for like weeks – so you just don’t want to do it. But you know you SHOULD, and you know you WILL feel better, and you know you’ll be happy about it LATER. Well, it sucks even more this “making right decisions to be ‘better’ later” shit is literally covering ALL ASPECTS of your life. EVERY SINGLE DAMN ONE!! Every detail is in some sort of rearranging or growing or developmental stage, but nothing is set and sound. Love, work, body, mind, friendships – all of them in some sort of shambled beginning/end/reorganizing type of stage. You don’t know where to turn for a single OUNCE of stability. Then you’re like, “So, basically, my WHOLE LIFE sucks now, but I’m just in preparation mode to have a better life later”?? Oh GREAT! Can I have that guarantee in writing please – signed by Fate? Can I sue Serendipity if it doesn’t turn out that way? Can I get reimbursed with my time back so I can go back to doing what was apparently “so wrong” that was so much more fun and happy? Example – eating poorly – does eating poorly really make me feel physically bad or just guilty? If it’s guilt, then I’m pissed about that. When I eat well, do I really FEEL healthy or is it just pride? Because then THAT’S really annoying. What would life be like if I had NO one telling me what we should do, what’s “right,” what’s “better”? Would I be happier because no one is telling me I can’t be until I accomplish this or that?

I have a good apartment and it’s all mine. I have that. But remember, as of two weeks ago, I didn’t even have that. I had to add “home” to that list of things in transition. Standing in one of the potential apartments that wasn’t yet mind but was in the works, I broke down in tears. I was no where. I lived no where, I had nothing. I had my health, I had people who loved me that weren’t exactly in my life, so I knew I wasn’t in the dumps, I knew life wasn’t “bad.” But it was a rough stage, and I was in the center of it all. My life turned into a packed garage of misplaced storage and broken-down cars, and I wasn’t sure even how to begin straightening it up. Of course, things could be so much worse. Of course they could. I could have kids I’m not ready to have and unable to support. I could be sick. Life is very safe, and my problems are safe problems in a safe world. They are just internal for the most part. They are just problems you have when you have too much time on your hands to recognize them. I was watching As Good As It Gets last night, and in that famous scene where Helen Hunt is crying at the table with her mom, she was crying because it was the first time she didn’t have to panic and worry about her son, and left her with all this time and energy to look at herself and her own life. She realized that she didn’t like it, that she was lonely. “Who needs these thoughts?!?!” I hear ya. Who needs them? It’s like when you’re super busy, you wish you had the free time to sit around and be introspective, to just think and relax. Then when you have that kind of time, you don’t like what you think, and you wish you had something to distract you. Is life really about just distracting yourself from yourself? Then, do we ever know if we’re lying to ourselves about who we are because we spend so much time avoiding really knowing who we are? Are we really ever anything or just a collection of activities that we set up in a day? Is that why so many of us feel like we’re just faking our lives, just playing roles rather than actually being because being seems to be nothing more than just whatever we’re doing at the time? See – why do I even have time to think about THIS stuff that I’m writing here? Should I just get out more rather than constantly reflecting? Probably.

So, I'm having this computer problem, and I'm hoping to get some emailed suggestions. I can't access secure websites. Since I've moved, my computer won't let me into my email account, my online banking, I can't even go into yahoo clubs or airline ticket searches. I can go anywhere and do anything else, but as soon as I put my password into my hotmail, it immediately gives me a "Page Not Available" thingy. Can't even access my internet explorer updates. I've deleted cookies and temporary internet files, lowered security settings, removed anti-virus programs. I cannot access the damn sites. I've seen other people online complaining about the same problems, and I've seen no solutions. If anyone has any, please let me know ASAP.

I still love Jessica Simpson and her happy little life. I love that picture collection at the end of the opening sequence - the one where they're standing on their doorstep with sunglasses on, hugging in the sun. That part kills me. It seems so fresh and wonderful. Like they're just beginning a magical life they've always dreamed of. Oh God, I know how pathetic that sounds. Ew, even I'm grossed out by me. I can't help it though - this show makes me happy. I don't hate anyone on it. You know how hard it is to watch a show where you don't hate at least one person on it? I wish it were only the two of them on it. No friends or family. Just those two. Talking, arguing, making up - I don't care. I hate that I love this show when I was SUCH a bitch about how much I'd hate it. Grrr... I'm even watching the episode about how everyone follows them around, and how their privacy is invaded, and I just feel bad for them - like not the whole, "Oh shut up and don't complain," but just genuine stress for them. I'm such a loser. Moving on.

Can Old Navy be shot for this stupid commercial compaign they have going on here with the overly psyched kids? Goddamn it's annoying. It plays all the time though, so that history class girl is loaded. Good for her. I'd be the annoying chick in a commercial for that kind of cash.

Oh, I was talking to my friend Katie about phones. She lives in the country now, so I told her I pictured her walking around her house with one of those old school phones. Those normal touch-tone phones where you carry it around from the back and then sit it on your lap or next to you when you sit, and the cord into the wall weaves around your house. I just figured all phones in the country should look like that. Anyway, we then talked about the really old phones with the operator you have to talk to - like in Lassie. The mom would pick up the phone and ring up the operator Jenny (which sounded like "Jinny") to have her call other people. So, the operator could just listen in on everyone's conversations if she wanted to. She knows who everyone is calling. Then I told Katie that I think they should bring that back because then the operator could know if I'm drunk by the sound of my voice and won't let me drunk dial.

Me: "Heeyy, Jeeeennyy...Yeah, um...uh, could yuoiu caell him for me pplease? Just calll 'im, RING 'im for me! Connect us, plleeeasse??"

Jenny the Operator: "Um...Lori, I don't know. You sound like you've been drinking. I'd better not call him. I just don't think it's a good idea."

Me: "Come on, jjgenny! Be my friend. Ya gotta call em. I...I just wanna tell em somethin' reaally quickly..damn it, Jenny, CALL HIIMMMM!"

Jenny the Operator: 'No, Lori, I won't let you do it. You're too drunk. I know what you're going to say, and I think you should have some water, take a nap, and see if you want to call him in the morning."

Man, who couldn't use that?

Okay, it's late. I'm tired.