I guess you could say that one of my inherent flaws is my incessant need to explain and defend myself when I shouldn’t care to, don’t owe anyone anything, or just plain don’t have to because no one else cares. Still, I feel bothered when I don’t set the record straight, which is why this website came into existence in the first place, so why stop now.

I shouldn’t care what Steven says about me because I don’t care about Steven. He and I were never friends. We don't exchange numbers, and we don't even engage in polite conversation when we're in each others' presence. But that may have been the point. He was in no way involved in that damn CD, so why does he take it upon himself to be a ringleader on the discussion of it? Why not talk about the guest you have on the phone for the interview rather than trying to turn Christina against me, which she did start saying I was verbally abusive for my Incredible's comment, and that was incredibly ridiculous. It's just like, why by such a dick? How do you outwardly attack someone who's never done or said anything against you? It's as though I ever expected more out of him, but it's still amazing when a person shows his colors so loudly. You think, "Wow, you're just...that guy. Okay. Good luck with that."

And I do want to address something he said about being Anti-Reality. This reality TV world we're discussing here is a serious phenomenon. It's like you join this not-so-secret society, and if you break away from it at all, you get bricks with obscene words thrown through your window and prank calls. Okay, not exactly. Mike Mizanin, God bless this boy, actually referred to me as a "sell-out" because I got a 9-5 job. Has there ever been anything more ironic? Now, Mike only has two types of intensions when communicating with another person - it's either wanting to make the person laugh (and not for his ego, but because he knows people love to laugh), or saying sweet and supportive things. Sure, when he's trying to make you laugh, he says things that may have the opposite effect - thus the issues when we all lived together in New York, but when you know the guy's intensions, you know you could never be mad at him. Still, it was quite hilarious to think that I was the lame-ass because I went back to work.

I'm not against anyone pursuing their dreams to be involved in entertainment - even if to just be an entertainer and not an artist. Coral, Mark, Melissa, Mike - these people make this type of career choice to stay closely involved because...they can, they want to, they're having fun, and because they're good TV. I swear, if Dan from Miami could have his own show where a camera only follows him around and I can hear him talk about anything and anyone, I would watch every single episode and every single Marathon of it. Coral - she's good TV. She always has brilliant one-liners, she plays a game, she gets reactions out of people, and she has a total sense of reality and irony about what she does. She's not naive. College tours, bar crawls, calendars, magazines - they're good money, and when someone calls you up and says that they'll give you $1500 to sit on a chair for one hour and answer the same questions you've been answering on the street all day for free anyway, you're stupid to not take it. Invest it, I don't care, but don't be dumb. Photo shoots - they're just plain fun. I'd do them everyday if I could, I love them. I'm not against reality TV, I watch it quite a bit and I participated for quite some time. I personally don't do too well in making it a career for myself. I feel weird talking about this shit on stage because I can't make a large audience laugh if my life depended on it. I have no controversial episodes or experiences to speak of, and I bore people. I don't like feeling like I'm not doing something or getting better at something. I don't get a lot of camera time because I don't earn a lot of camera time. I AM proud that I got a job, and I do know that I'm not paid 6 figures and I probably make less than all those people because I'm entry-level, but I love my steady paycheck. I love my cubicle. I love my coworkers. I love being a part of the system. That's just me, and I'm not some kind of a "hater" because I don't spend all my days talking serious shit in monotone, inarticulate gibberish because I have NO idea what else I would do with my time. I like people who have goals, who have dreams. I respect people who work really hard to get what they want. People who waste their own time are people who are wasting my time. Not all reality people are time-wasters, but we all know which ones are, and you can almost tell by looking at them.

Now, allow me to explain to you this experience of recording that Christmas CD. I get a call from Josh from Fishbowl/Big Brother asking me if I'd like to sing a song on a Christmas CD they're putting out last minute. Do I ever get a chance to sing? No - so of COURSE I say yes, and I'm excited. Josh is a nice guy, and he seems very trustworthy. I worked with his girlfriend Erica, and she and I got along great. So, he tells me I'll be working with Rob C. from Survivor, so I start talking with Rob C. about my song choices. I wanted to do a ballad, so my only ballad choice was Silent Night. We lay down a guide track in 20 minutes, and a week later, I go into a studio where after a couple warm-ups and practice rounds, I lay down the main part for the songs. I experiment, tack on some harmonies, layover another song on top of the third verse because that was what we did in my high school choir, and I'm done. Rob C. then tells me that I'll also be doing a group song in a "We are the World" style where we each sing a line and then record a video. I say, "Oh, um...do I have to do that?" I agreed to do this thing because I wanted to sing a song, but I honestly did not want to be involved in this whole cheesy group thingy. It wasn't part of the deal when I signed up, and I said straight up that I wasn't comfortable doing it. His response was an awkward series of grunts which was an implied, "Yes, you do." So, I do it. I learn the song, I sing the lines. I do background vocals. Then we have to do the video. I show up late because I had to leave work late - but I'm only 15 minutes late, and they're all just sitting around anyway. Now, I don't know these people. The only person I really know is Toni from Shipmates, who I've always liked. The rest I may have met once or twice, but we're not in the same social circles, so we haven't really hung out. Turns out I have the first line, which is "Gifts to buy and cards to send," so I'm sort of the experiment. They blast this song real loud and play that one line on repeat. "Gifts to buy and cards to send/Gifts to buy and cards to send/Gifts to buy and cards to send..." like 50 times over and over, looping quickly. I have to stand in front of a Christmas tree, lip-syncing the line like I'm really fucking into it while ALL THESE PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN KNOW are standing about 5 feet away from me watching. So, I break out into a sweat, my face turns red, I start to panic, and I freeze up. I tell everyone they have to turn around and face the other way because I literally cannot do it. I don't think I could explain why this is so embarrassing, but you'll have to trust me. I mean, I'm in front of all these American Idol people acting like this is normal for me, and it's not. Meanwhile, two guys are circling around me with tiny handheld camcorders, and I don't even know where to look. Just felt like such a fucking dumbass. Toni helped me. She tried to make me laugh, she totally stood by and comforted me. She was awesome. Then we all had to get together to do the chorus - 7 times, I'd say we did it, but don't quote me. Anyway, we put our arms around each other and seriously pretended like we were SOOOO bonded, and like we've been best friends for years. It was SOOO fake, and I'm just not comfortable with that shit. I'm not comfortable because it doesn't even feel like acting, it feels like lying - which is what it is when you're supposed to be "real," not characters. I'm just not into that shit. No beef with ANYONE there, none of the reality people, none of the producers, none of the fishbowl people. It just wasn't my personality to do this kind of fake shit, and I signed on because I was told I could just record a pretty Christmas hymn, you know? Then, when it was was all over and I was talking to Rob C. I believe about the press for it, I said, "So, do I have to say, 'It was truly a rewarding experience...' or can I, you know, talk about how it really was," while I made an awkward face. He assured me that I could say whatever I wanted and it was no big deal. So, I did, and look what happened...

So, I wrote Rob C. a bitch out email including a lot of "What the fuck...What's your problem...Fuck this...Fuck that," to which he did not respond. So, I called from work the next day, and I was sent to voicemail. He emailed back by the end of the day with a Sorry-you-got-offended, which is not really an apology at all. He didn't quite understand he needed to apologize for not only misunderstanding what I wrote, but contributing to Steven's totally unrelated bashing on me for things having NOTHING to do with the problem at hand - total and complete low-blows that weren't even remotely witty, just cheap shots with malicious intent. So, I wrote back again with another bitch out, and a day later, today, I finally got a call back from him when I was out of the office, and he apologized for this having gotten out of hand. First, he asked if I would like to go on the air to discuss it, which I immediately took as, "Let's just get a fight going for ratings," but then later said I didn't have to do that. Really no point in continuing conversation, and I'm sure one could say I'm a hypocrite for talking about this whole topic here, but you know what? I'm just being honest and telling how the story went so there was no confusion.

Anyway, that was that. I'm not upset. I'm not discouraged, I'm totally fine. I was just plain pissed off.

Moving forward...

New Years Eve was calm, thank God. I’m so not into the whole big bash thing. I can’t handle it. The whole holiday makes me nervous. A regular day that people feel the need to drink MORE than they already do, and since LA isn’t exactly public-transportation-friendly, there are more drunk drivers on the road than sober. Nice. So, five of us got together, ordered Chinese food, and played Poker. In the morning, we used the Friends board game cards and made up our own game over mimosas, and I clearly kicked ass. Also, I’m not sure how I feel about poker. I’m not longer scared of it, so that’s nice, but there’s one part I have a real problem with – how each hand has different rules that need to be explained. I’ve always had the experience of playing games where people never want to listen to the rules. Someone’s trying to read them, but then everyone says, “Oh, let’s just start and we’ll learn as we go,” because people want to start playing! But in poker, you have to do that annoying part every single hand, and you can’t just start playing until everyone gets it. And sometimes they can be really complicated and lengthy, and I’m just sitting there jittery in my seat thinking, “Deal the goddamn cards!!!

Christmas was nice. I feel as though I’ve finally joined the world of technological advancement by being the proud owner of both Tivo and ipod. Oh, life is wonderful. TV watching is wonderful. It’s amazing how much money you spend on your TV-watching/Internet-searching pastime when you live alone and the bills are all your own. I easily pay $200 a month on these things, and I consider them extremely important.

This is quite long enough. I'm headed out now to play chess and return a Blockbuster video that's about five years late.