I'm so tired. I'm completely exhausted. Did you know that if you stay out with your girlfriend until 1am and then don't go to sleep until 2am when you have to get up at 6:15am for work you'll be really fucking tired? Yeah, see, I thought I knew that too, but somehow I still stayed up. Surprise, I'm REALLY tired.

And I'm soft. I gotta be honest, I don't know how bad or good this is. I know I've discussed this before, but whatever. It's on my mind now as I sit here in my chair with one leg up, and I'm looking down at three distinct roles in my stomach along the side. I can't help but want back my body that I had before - 10-15lbs less, toned, and with many options for pants. Thing is, I feel...womanly with this weight. I feel curvy and feminine. I was once told that I don't look great curvy. I don't think there's too much wrong with liking your body and enjoying being different shapes and sizes. Is there any way to be both?

Twice today I had an "unknown" call on my cell phone. No message left. Um...no. I won't ever answer that shit, so if you're out there, and it's you - fucking leave a message or call from a number I recognize. I may love a romantic surprise, but there are some surprises I'm not interested in at all.

Moment of silence for Ross's elimination from American Idol, please?

<pause>

Thank you. Ross, I really thought you should have gotten farther along in that.

I just finished watching today's episode of American Idol. GODDAMN - I'm totally invested in this show. I actually CARE. I mean that I REALLY CARE what happens. I fucking cried tonight, even when I was HAPPY. WHAT???? I was sad when my other Crooner (is that the right word and spelling) didn't make it - my young Santa. Didn't take it too well, did he? Just kind of sat there and wouldn't move. I was uncomfortable.

So here I am watching the clips of the remaining 24 flipping out in front of a camera just being silly, and I thought about how excited I am for them. I'm not even jealous because honestly, I think that they're better than me - so it doesn't pain me. I'm not sitting there thinking, "This is bullshit, I should be up there." I think, "You know, I really can't hit that note," or "My tone is not that hypnotic." I'm so freaking excited for THREE DAYS next week of American Idol. I'm thrilled. This is the best show. I'm so happy for all those people, and where the fuck are they in LA because I totally want to make a scene and be lame if I run into them. I want to hug them. I'm so pathetic. Fuck it, I don't care, it's a good show.

I've discovered recently that I'm a bit obsessed with the internet. I need to be on it at all times or I feel strange. It's been sort of recent that this happened, but now I can't even control myself. I'm not even all over the web - I'm pretty much on the same sites just renewing the page to see if anything changes. What the hell is wrong with me?

I have heavier stuff to talk about, but honestly, I just want to lie down. Have a good night, okay?