I managed to take the scattered pain and sweep it all into one corner. Good thing about that is while you're in every other part of the room, you can function. The bad part is that all your pain is now concentrated, and if you happen to just wander to that part of the room - even by accident - damn, is it bad. Fuck. Shit.

The internet is a really scary place. It gives someone like me an opportunity to share my thoughts - often my innermost with so many strangers, with anyone who chooses to read. I lay it all out there. Well, not all. I do keep some things sacred, but even then - I'll discuss how I feel without discussing details. And I don't know why I do it. I have no idea. I guess the same reason why someone who writes songs and wants people to hear them, even if he doesn't make money off of it. It's just this feeling of wanting to share myself. I think back to the times when I had someone to share with, and I wonder if I posted that much then. Well, here I am, putting my feelings out there, and not sure if I'm doing it in hopes that certain people might read them and understand how I feel - especially if I can't call them myself and tell them. But I don't mind sharing.

What I do mind is the fact that it's not just me out there doing this. This world wide web has given me access into the minds of other people, and it's pretty much always a bad idea. Why? Because they are not talking just to me. Because sometimes, you shouldn't know some things. Like when you learn that maybe you're not that special, not as special as you hoped. Or you learn that you might not ever cross their minds. Or you learn that they're having a pretty good time without you. Or that they're having a rough time without you, but it doesn't mean they want to be with you. If you're mentioned at all, chances are it's going to make you cry. If you're not mentioned, you feel like you've been worthless.

And you could say it's easy. "Don't look, don't go. You CHOOSE to read what you read." It's not that easy. The temptation is nearly impossible to resist. When my friend was left by her boyfriend of four years, she had to have her friend fix her computer so she couldn't access his site. She knew she wouldn't be able to resist. I need that too.

I'm just SOOO FUCKING TIRED of all of this shit. I just want to be happy. I just want to make the right decisions. I just want to do the right thing, and it seems like I'm constantly fucking up. I'm constantly hurting myself, everyone around me. I'm just trying to be happy, but it seems like I just find myself worse and worse. I feel simultaneously out of control and having too much control. It's so stupid. I'm so tired. I'm exhausted. I can't do this anymore. I just want out of this hole.

It sounds like I'm just a depressing sack of shit to be around, right? Do you picture me walking around with swollen eyes and permanent grimace? Funny part is, that's totally not the case. You'd never know I felt this way if you were around me. Never for a minute. It's because it's like I said - all swept in a corner. I keep busy. I laugh, make people laugh. I'm upbeat, fun, excited, productive. If you worked with me - you'd think I was the best I've ever been. You'd never know. But here I am, sitting in my dirty corner, drinking a glass of cheap wine, and hoping I fall asleep soon so tomorrow will come quickly, and I can hope it'll be a better day. Unfortunately, it won't be. Not this time. Because tomorrow is my goddamn birthday, and I'm waiting for the spiritual slaughtering.

I don't think anyone from my work reads this, and I don't want them to. They're free to, and it's possible they do, but they never mention it to me, and I like that. This is a glimpse inside, and I don't want it brought to the surface in front of my face. I don't mind them knowing how I feel when I'm like this, but when I'm in a happy place, I don't want to think about all of this. Time and a place.

You know that feeling when you always knew something, and you had to work hard to not acknowledge it, and then it's put right there in your face, and not only are you upset because it's upsetting, but you feel like such a fucking asshole because you already KNEW it, but you CHOSE to ignore???

Well, I'm just totally lost. I'm doing all sorts of good stuff for myself though I imagine that's hard to believe. Right now, I'm wallowing because I kind of resent the position I'm in. I can't explain it. One of those details I'll keep sacred. I'm going to wash my face and crawl into my bed now. I'm gonna try to relax. You know what? I don't think it's going to happen, and I'm not going to fight it. I feel kind of stabbed in the chest, and it physically hurts, and I'm just going to acknowledge that and let it hurt on the off chance it may make me a stronger person in the end or some bullshit like that. FUCK that hurt - whether or not it's fair to say, it's true.