Happy Saint Patrick's Day!!!! I'm going to write in green in celebration. Now, I wrote something this morning - I'll put that in a darker green, and then I'll write a little more now in this color...

I haven’t even watched AI yet this week. It’s all Tivo’d. Why not when I’m so obsessed with it? Firstly, the motivation is half gone seeing as Mario is no longer in the competition, and I was quite sure he’d win it. Secondly, after my third dream/nightmare about AI, I didn’t know if I was ready to deal with it. My dreams have all been the same idea in different formats – that I make it into the top 12 without having to go through all the auditioning before it. I have some sort of aching to be a part of it, to be singing every week, to be nervous and excited about something that I love. Lately, my nerves have been all over the place for other reasons – the details falling on the side of the line I don’t discuss here. Maybe I should change the name of the site to AlmostEverythingLori.com

Once you become aware of your sleeping patterns, it becomes impossible to sleep. It’s sort of like when you think about your breathing, it is no longer involuntary. I never feel like I sleep. In the past couple months, I either don’t sleep at all, or my sleep has so many dreams that I wake up more tired than before I went to bed, or I get a LOT of sleep and feel too tired from that. Sunday night – I got maybe two hours. I was upset and confused and I think I passed out just a couple times, just enough to build up strength for another hour of staring at my ceiling thinking too much. Now last night, I went to bed at 6:30pm. Can you believe that? I stayed in bed for nearly 12 hours last night. It wasn’t a perfect sleep. I remember nearly every toss and turn. Can’t remember my dreams exactly, but there were many. I don’t feel better, don’t feel worse.

I’m pretty much just always anxious. Nothing to do with work. Yesterday, I had such a great day at work. It’s just…the other stuff. Knots in my stomach. Worries, fears. Regrets. Hope. Disappointment. Eagerness. Just about everything, and I would love to just be able to feel secure and relax. Just relax. You know those days that go by and you don’t remember them at all. You just lived it, and felt totally content to where you weren’t even aware that you were content, you just were? I could use a solid week of that. I would love one week of not being aware that I’m fine. I feel like I’m conscious of every single second of my life, and I’m always worrying about something or someone. Not in the way that you think – not in the total worry-wart kind of way. Just an underlying tissue of concern just below the surface that isn’t totally visible, isn’t totally debilitating. It feels like a jacket that’s just a half a size too small. All I want to do is take it off and plop down on a beach with a creamy pina colada in my hand. Pink sand. I’ve never seen pink sand, but I’ve heard about it.

Actually, I think Real World was in my dream last night. OH, I’m totally remembering now! It was sort of a new RW or RR cast, and I was on it. We were in Hawaii on Kauai. I don’t even know what we were doing, but I just remember the cast members. Hilarious. Ugh, let it be over.

Still have not found a reading spot. I wish I could still draw. I used to be pretty good at it in high school. Fact is – I’m obviously in desperate need for a creative outlet. I’m clearly smothering a part of me that I used to exercise all day everyday from the day I was born until I graduated college. I wonder if that stuff just builds up inside you or just dies. Well, I think it may be the key to my happiness, and if you’re not happy with yourself, you won’t be much good to anyone else. I mean, that HAS to be it! I’ve been artistically driven my whole life. In high school, I was in about one thousand groups. Okay, not one thousand, but like 9. Scribes (Calligraphy - shut up, it was a required course), Dancers (that was a big one), Ensemble (another biggy), the musical (huge one), Concert Choir (yes, I was the president), Art Major (a class, but still – I learned SO much about painting and drawing) – and I can’t remember anymore, but whatever, it’s a lot. I was doing something creative ALL the time. Granted, I was still crying over my love life any spare minute I had, but still, I was…alive.

That’s IT. I’m making changes. I have too much spare time on my hands. Fine, I’m working out again, but that doesn’t take long, and I don’t need to be home watching TV all night every night. I don’t need to do it ANY night. I need to keep busy. I need to be INVOLVED. I need to be EXCITED. AAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I can’t be sitting around having dreams about being on American Idol, this is pathetic! Get up, go to work, go home, go to the gym, go home, watch Friends, check my email 400 more times. That is NOT a life. I need to be active. SHHHIIITTTT, time to take a little more fucking control here. I’m not a victim. I can’t sit around feeling sorry for myself for not being in school where the extracurricular activities are all set up and organized for me. I’ll just have to work harder, look harder.

Okay, so I watched American Idol. Okay, I really hate to admit this - Constantine did a good job. He really did. Fuck. I still hate his sex faces he makes while he thinks, and I still think HE thinks a little bit cooler than he is, but he did well. Nadia - she really puts EVERYTHING into it. EVERYTHING. Bo - the best. Simon is SO dead on. I mean, has there ever been someone more comfortable, more consistent, and more solid on the stage and in performance? He also has a cute face. Who knew? What I love is that he's killing this competition without any help from those pre-shows. Carrie - she's so beautiful. I think she's great, and I think she did great, but I know she can do better. Nikko - I just don't care. Jessica - solid girl, but didn't put everything into it. Mikalah - um....I don't know right now. I love to watch her. I think she has a commanding presence. I think she has a great look. I know her voice is great - I was so jealous of it when I first heard it. But I think she needs these long, drawn out lines because her voice is too big and wallowy for quick motion. However, her first audition had great movement and amazing speed and control. I don't know. She's not doing this right, and it's really frustrating me because I know she can be amazing. Lindsey - should never have been there in the first place. I'm sorry, I can do all that shit and better. Not impressed. Beautiful face though. She would have been a star in the Bostonians. Vonzell - good, but pitchy. Great performance though - really put herself into it. She can do more though. You can FEEL it.

I wish I could coach these people - not about singing, not about performing exactly, but about reaching in and getting it out. I feel like I can do that. I feel like I could talk to them and dig in. Some of these girls, some of them, they can tap into it.

So, this will annoy you if you're so over all my reality obsessions. I'm taking on a new show. The Starlet. It's fun because I can't act either, so I can get upset about being able to anything better. This Mercedes chick who's really upset about her body...she has such an AMAZING face. She has just unbelievable facial features, and all this shit about her body, it pisses me OFF. Think Selma Hayek, girl. That curvy lady has to have some cottage cheese, but does she care?? No, and she's FABulous. Anyway, it's so awkward watching these people act, and it's so fun. Man, my taste in TV is so painfully superficial.

I bought myself a six pack of Guinness in celebration. I ran after work for a while. I'm going to be patient with this physical transformation into amazing shape. I'm actually concerned that I may not be as attractive after I've lost weight and gone back to how thin I was before. Isn't that weird? I never knew I'd worry about being less attractive if I lost 15 pounds I've gained. But I was taught that being curvy and heavier was beautiful, and now I'm afraid I'll just look like an 11 year old boy if I get to toned and skinny. Whatever. So, I decided against going to a bar. Why? To spend a lot of money and feel like shit at work tomorrow? I'm straight, thanks.

I guess I'll go to bed.