I have a shitload of cleaning to do because my apartment has now officially earned its championship title of Disgusting. However, I am compelled to write after my 12 hour sleep last night that was well-deserved and hard-earned.

I want to say that I absolutely love this website. I feel so happy to have it, and I love it for so many reasons. Firstly, it's all mine. 100% mine. No one can tell me how to run it, what to do with it, what I have to say, what I can't say. I can be completely myself and not worry about what anyone thinks of me. At work, I can't tell everyone what I think. If I'm pissed at someone, particularly a superior - I can't tell this person s/he's an asshole/bitch without suffering some sort of consequence. I can't tell a client or a candidate that I hate them if I do. I have to be professional, I have to swallow up my feelings, my urges to speak my mind. I am free here. Fuck can be every other word, and no one can do shit about it. I'm free here. Sure, I'm not completely free. There are laws. I could write about people, and they could see what I say about them. I have to be creative and cautious when I'm dying to express my feelings about someone or something that I'm not comfortable talking about specifically. Still, I like this place.

The other reason I like this place (a reason I had to explain to some chick who emailed me to stop complaining so much here), is that I don't need anyone to come here. Sure, I like knowing that a lot of you do come here. Sure, it's fine checking the stats on this place - knowing that even if no one sent me an email, I still got 5000 people showing up just to read what I have to say - whether it be to criticize me or just keep themselves from doing work at their jobs. Point is, I'm free here because I don't NEED or depend on my hits to have this. I don't gain a thing by having 100,000 people show up to read what I have to say. I'm not effected at all if everyone just decided to stop coming here altogether, and it was just me writing in an empty alley off the world wide web covered in dust and cobwebs. What makes me so happy about that is knowing that if you don't like coming here, I don't care. I usually care about what people think, but here - if you don't like it, you can go, and I'll be okay. That's huge for me. That's important.

And what I like most about this place is that if I want to babble on in unnecessary detail about something that I find interesting, no one is there to stop me. I don't have to sit there and watch some awkward body language tell me your done listening to me. I'm not going to be interrupted with a change of subject. I'm not going to worry that you don't care, that I sound stupid, or that I'm talking too much. Sometimes people don't listen. It's really hard to find people in your life that just let you talk, let you go. It's hard to be the person to let people talk on and on about something that interests them. Sometimes, you tune out when you don't mean to. My mom listens. I could talk for ten hours straight, I know she cares about what I'm saying the whole way. I'm very lucky.

So, I have a new show. My coworker and I are very excited because now we have a show to share and talk about every Thursday. Brat Camp. Best show in the whole freaking world because it's fascinating, it's real, and it's educational - and what you're learning is SO important. Basically, here are these kids who are "fuck-up's" in one way or another. You've got your physically violent, your compulsive liar, your angry temper, your hyper-active, your run-away, your drug-addicts, and so on. These minors ranging from 14-17 in age are tricked by their parents into going to this 40-90 day therapy program where they go away into the desert and must survive with the help of these counselors. Ugh, I'm not describing it right. They're going to survive, it's not a question of that. Let me see what the site says on it and maybe that'll help me describe it better... Shit, okay that didn't help much. It's a Wilderness School called Sagewalk where they are taken to the middle of the desert to learn about themselves, learn discipline, learn to work together, learn to push themselves, learn to confront themselves, understand the choices the make, etc. The idea? Turn these fuck-ups into well-rounded people. It's just so awesome. One, it's great seeing these little fuckers get what they deserve. Two, it's awesome watching them break. Three, it's such a good feeling watching them push themselves and become proud of themselves.

I watched them feeling an odd sort of jealousy for this life-altering experience. As you know, I've been craving some sort of source to push myself and become stronger and better. These kids hate where they are, they feel like prisoners, and they think they're going to actually die. But what's so amazing to see is their making it through situations okay and learning that they are capable of so much more than they ever thought. It's inspiring. The idea of being taken away from everyone and everything to find out who you are, shit who wouldn't want to do that? What about conquering that feeling that you can't do something to discover that you can? What about when you truly believe something is IMPOSSIBLE, to learn that it is completely possible. What about the doors that can open for you in your mind? "I didn't think I could do that, but I did. What else can I do?" Is there anything more fascinating than that? There are SO many things I feel like I can't do. I'm missing that piece inside me that makes me realize I can do anything. Now, if you're aware that you have that problem, wouldn't that help you solve it? Why hasn't it?

Okay, need to clean my room quickly before the haircut. Great talking to you, as always.