Not doing too well, folks. Not feeling very good. I feel like everyday I'm learning a new lesson about what it means to grow up and be an adult and function as a working professional - and that means making another sacrifice, getting pushed around, feeling miserable, having to take some fucker's shit. The list goes on and on. I used to feel so good about my environment. I felt good about all the environments I was in growing up with the exception of a couple times - a couple terrible apartments with a couple miserable roommates. Other than that, things felt okay. I felt like I was myself - that I was surrounded by good people whom I loved who loved me in return. And I felt like I was once surrounded by laughter. People made me really laugh, and I made them laugh in return. Everyday, things are changing, and I swear to God that everyday they're changing for the worse. I can hardly cry about it. I just feel my spirit dying. I feel like I'm disappearing in all this day-to-day shit that I once found to be so comforting. I don't believe in anything. I'm motivated by nothing. I'm inspired by nothing. I've started to hate getting out of bed in the morning.

I'm just totally over me, you know? Like, I'm just over me. I'm sick of everything I have to say - it's all the same shit. All I do is say the same goddamn shit everyday. All I do is write the same shit every time I'm on here. My personal journals all say the same goddamn thing. I'm like a defected CD. Skipping, scratching, ages old - and just scrambled bullshit, but it's all the same. I'm sick of my hair, my clothes, my life, my day, my stupid boring thoughts, my terrible and disrupted dreams.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry to be hated my life so much and hating myself so much when real problems are going on in the world. With Hurricane Katrina, this new hurricane building quickly, and people living in fucking hell, wishing they didn't take all this shit for granted. I'm sorry that I'm so depressed right now when I should feel grateful. I'm sorry.

I don't write here often anymore because I hate everything I have to say. I think of something, but by the time my ass is at my computer, I just don't have the will to post it. Ugh.

So, I need you people to talk to me now. Please don't give me advice, please don't make suggestions. Please don't write me with what you think is wrong with me. Just don't talk about me at all. I can't even deal with me. Just talk about you. This is what I want you to write to me about, my lovely readers: Write to me about how you feel about your career. What I REALLY need is for you people out there who LOVE what you do - who love getting to work everyday, and you out there who feel like you're using your brains, that you're making a difference, that you're loving your time - I need to hear why and how you got there. What do you do? Even those of you out there who may not love what you do with your day, but love that it's not anything else - for example, like you don't have a fun job, but you don't have to talk to anyone all day, and you love that because you hate talking to people. If you hate your everyday, maybe it would be nice to hear from you to. But just write me, people. I really want to hear from you.

everythinglori@hotmail.com

One of my coworkers is leaving my company because she got her dream job as a professional dancer. I could hardly even smile for her because I was so amazed by that idea - she knows what she wants to do, she knows what she loves to do, and she's going to be doing it everyday of her life. I feel like I'll never know what that feels like, and this fucking hole in my chest will just get so big that one day, I'll fall in it.

So, I hope to hear from you. If you don't hear from me, you know why.

(An hour later...)
Though I've said this before (obviously), I just need to reiterate that you'd never know I ever felt this badly if you knew me. I manage to function fine. My voice sounds fine. I say some funny shit in the day, some people laugh, I act, or maybe am upbeat from time to time. I'll have the occasional nice dinner, nice night, nice phone conversation. I cruise along and you'd never know. Sometimes (and these are FLEETING moments), I feel okay. Sometimes, I'm great. Like when I'm camping. When I'm with my sisters. When I'm petting a dog. Sometimes.

I just wish I were proud of myself like I used to be. Now, I feel like I'm just getting my ass kicked a lot. I'm getting stabbed in the fucking back. I'm getting scolded. I'm too often misunderstood. I'm too often having to be fucking fake. ALWAYS just so goddamn fake. I'm having fake conversations, I'm squeezing out fake laughter. I'm just cheery and bright. I have bullshit small talk so fucking often I feel like one day I may end up screaming. All day I pretend like life is great. Any social event is a just a several hour charade where I have to answer the same fucking questions and ask the same fucking questions about our stupid, boring lives, and then I have to seem convincing that I give a shit. UGH.

I posted this an hour ago, as you see, and I've already received a couple emails. Shit, maybe asking people to email me about why they love their lives was a bad idea. Making me feel worse maybe. Not sure just yet. I'll let you know.

People, remember to tell me what you like about what you do.