I've received over 100 emails in response to my last post. It's nice to know you're all out there. Wasn't sure because something is wrong with my stats checker. Believe it or not, I've been reading every single email. I'm not done, not even close, but I haven't missed a word of what I've read so far. It's been interesting. Mostly interesting witnessing patterns. Seems as though the few I've read so far that seem actually happy about what they do (not just less miserable) are the ones working as givers. Teachers, special ed aids, small time lawyers who defend the disabled, medical workers. Those people seem to be happy that they're helping. I've also learned that a lot of people aren't looking to have their job be any source of happiness whatsoever. Their happiness is defined by their family and friends, not by their occupations. Then there are the rest of you who are miserable, disappointed, confused, and terrified. I hear ya. (Oh, some emails I received also revealed to me that my 8th grade boyfriend recently got married.)

I'm just curious about my life and what it would be like had I made other choices. Many people think this is a dangerous road to travel. We can't go back and make other choices, so why torture ourselves with the curiosity? We can't just sit around regretting our lives, blaming ourselves when we did the best we could do. It's true, but for now...I'm so damn curious.

Going to be BC was a decision I'll never regret. I made friends that I will love like family until I die. I had so many countless beautiful experiences that I'm blessed to have in my memory. I learned a lot. I had a shitload of fun. I was near my sisters and my mom. Never did I wish I went somewhere else.

But I'm just wondering what would have happened if I had gone to NYU Tisch. Where would I be right now if I had studied musical theatre - if I had started that sort of formal training when my voice was in perfect shape, not the slightest bit damaged, and in prime range? What would have become of me? What would my voice have sounded like? Who would my friends be? Who would I have been? Would I have been happy?

What if I hadn't moved out to LA? What if I had stayed in Boston? Would I had taken that job at Oly's company instead of Katie because I hadn't planned on moving away? Would I have taken a job at my sister's company? Would would have become of me? Would I be fulfilled?

Those were two major decisions I made in my life. Major. Maybe in 40 years from now, they will not seem as important, but now, I think they altered the course of my life, and I can't help but wonder who I would have been. Would I had been so lost as I am now if I actually made a career in performing and singing? Would I had been so lost if I never moved so far from my family?

I don't regret anything. I'm just wondering. I know why I moved out here, and I had to do it, and I'm glad I did. I'm happy for all these experiences I've had because you know what? I think life would have been just as confusing no matter where I ended up because I think it's just a part of being 26. You sit here like an asshole in some sort of purgatory between adolescence and adulthood with no clue which way to turn and no hope or reassurance that one goddamn decision I make is ever the right one. Fabulous. What a crock of shit the 20's are.

The thing is, I don't feel like I'm unlucky. I don't feel like life has screwed me. I don't feel like I'm incapable of anything. THAT'S where I go crazy. It's this feeling of having all the resources and the abilities in the world to go after whatever dream I have and fucking conquer it, but not knowing what the fucking dream is!!! There in lies the misery. Feeling as though if I could JUST fucking figure it out, just have one thing that I want to fight for then I can go after it with all my energy and heart, then I'd be happy. I'm not chicken shit. I'm not inside a comfort zone. I'm just...directionless. I'm not standing here, looking down a long and difficult path towards my Emerald City and terrified I won't make it. No, I'm standing here in the middle of a desert, surrounded by identical dunes in every direction, and I don't know which direction I want to walk because I don't even know WHERE I WANT TO END UP!!! So, someone might say to me (in an effort of encouragement, or maybe just frustration), "Well, you're not happy in the desert, so you might as well just start fucking walking!" That is a good point. I can see why that makes sense. However, allow me to take this metaphor way too far for a second. I've got my stupid tent. I've got my food and water supply. So, I'm not so eager to just start walking away from this campground when I might walk a long road to end up in some swamp. If I'm going to go somewhere, I need to know where I want to go.

The easy response to that? "Well, then figure out which way you want to go." That's brilliant. Figure out what I want to do? That hadn't occurred to me. Jesus, and all this time I was sitting here not even thinking that maybe I should just do that. DON'T YOU THINK I WANT TO FIGURE IT OUT? DON'T YOU THINK I'M TRYING!!??

I just HATE that shit. It's like telling someone to cheer up. Do people not really understand how this works? Is there anything worse then feeling terrible, lost, and confused, and then having people make it seem as though you're gutless and stupid for feeling that way? Jesus CHRIST, you'd think feeling bad was bad enough. Thanks for twisting the dagger.

I need a nap.

So, here's something interesting - I watch my Tivo. Many emails where people referred to Tivo as their Savior. You can say it's pathetic. You can say I'm pathetic because I know Friends is on in 13 minutes, which means I'll be in a vegetated state of mild content for 22 minutes (commercials annoy me). This Friends Zone I'll be disappearing into will take me away from the world of reality. And I'm happy about it. So deal.

My sisters are interesting to me in how different their lives and goals are. They are complete opposites, and I love it. I've discussed them before, I believe, so if you've heard this already, then that's a big surprise considering I've already addressed that I just say the same damn shit over and over here anyway. Okay, so my oldest sister has known what she's wanted to do her whole life. She's busted her ass since she was in kindergarten to be a professional writer, and she is. She works multiple jobs - her 9-5 as an associate editor of a health magazine, she also teaches writing a local university, does a lot of freelance writing, and sells jewelry on the side. Also keep in mind that she is constantly reading - material for work and books for fun, and constantly writing for herself as well. She works all day and all night and her fuel is passion. She fucking LOVES this shit. She loves to work until she sleeps. She's creatively driven, and she is always inspired. She has ideas just flying out of her asshole.

Then there's my other sister who loves her job as well. She, on the otherhand, works a fraction as much as my oldest sister (maybe 20-30 hours a week, but I'm thinking really just 20), and makes a dickload of money. Though I think her job is actually very challenging and not everyone could do it, to her it's as easy as taking a breath. This isn't to say she doesn't work hard, it's more than she's just a natural at what she does. She does not like to work all day and night. She likes to do whatever she needs to do to afford her home and hang out time. She watches maybe 5-8 hours of TV a night, and she loves it, loves it, loves it. She works out maybe 2 or more hours a day every single day. Her life is mostly leisure, and that's how it goes for her.

Point is, one is driven to spend every waking hour working while the other (though in perfect shape and health) loves to just work as little as possible so she can get her ass home quick enough to watch Oprah.

Both lives are amazing. I would absolutely love to feel so damn motivated that all day everyday, I couldn't KEEP myself from working because I'm so excited to do it. I'd also be pretty damn happy if I worked very little and had my job be such a small part of my actual life and happiness, but made me enough money that I could afford to really enjoy all that free time in whatever way most pleased me.

It's just really amazing to witness lives unlike you're own. That would explain why I'm going to see like the 10th movie I've seen in theatres in the last month or so. I'm so over mine. It sucks.

Gotta go. Friends Zone.