I have opinions here. I'm trying to think of exactly how I want to go about expressing them...

Let's just go in order of how it appears...

We begin with more "previous seen on..." clips that were never previously seen. Rachel's speech does not seem to match up at all with Genesis's interview commentary. Rachel says that it's bullshit that there are people here who are in for the long hall who may get voted off when there are people who may not get voted off, but have no intentions of staying. So, the ones who really want to win this are home and the quitters are just sitting around soaking up some sun before they disappear. I find this to be a completely valid point. I don't think anyone can argue with it. Then Genesis says that Rachel has been making a few negative comments. No, Rachel has had some constructive criticism, which is VERY different. She thinks that things are not running correctly if quitters are staying and fighters are being voted off. This is NOT being negative, this is what's wanting what's best for the team. Rachel has been more about this whole thing than almost everybody else put together. I know this because she was one of my favorite people there from day one, since JFK before we got on the plane to Jamaica.

Freeze Your Butt Off: God, this completely sucks. I mean, I like this one because I know I can do it and because it doesn't scare me, but have you EVER sat on a block of ice? God, have you ever even held an ice cube in your hand? It's just ridiculous. It's so painful that I think you all need to try it JUST to get an IDEA of how miserable it is. I had A LOT to say about this in an interview, but alas - I'm a no show. (Is it okay that I'm a little bitter about that?) So, there was more to this stupid mission. Every ten minutes, we had to come up with a song to sing on the spot. I don't know WHAT that was for, especially since they would never be able to show all our songs anyway, but that was part of the rules. I sang a long, gospel song about Johnny Mosley and how sad it was that he was our judge for everything but he never knew how hard it was to do the things we do. Fine, he's the best skiier that ever lived, and that's pretty hard, but he never sat on a block of ice with his hands over his head. That shit is TEN times harder than the ice part. Sitting on the ice hurts only when you first get on it. A few minutes into it, you are completely numb. I got a wedgie somehow while I was sitting there, but I couldn't reach down to pick it. I was sliding a bit because we were on a little hill, so the side of my bikini just drove straight into my butt crack. In fact, the bikini was just slightly baggy on the bottom half that I thought I was flashing my cooter a bit, and I couldn't fix it. So, one of the judges had to push me back onto the ice, and I asked the lady judge to make sure my cooter wasn't hanging out. We were allowed to lean back on the board behind us, as you can see Rachel doing. This way, you can lie down and have your arms up straight in front of you, but pointing to the sky, which is totally easy to do. This made the first hour fly by.

They gave up on the singing rule. It was so dumb anyway, totally boring and pretty embarrassing. After one our, we were given a several minute break to let our arms down, but not get off the ice. I immediately went to pick my wedgie, but I couldn't feel my ass AT ALL. No, I mean that literally. It's not like it's asleep or pretty numb. When I moved over my bikini, I had to feel with my hand that it was no longer in my ass crack because there was no blood in my ass at all. They decided that beginning the second hour, we couldn't lean back. This is when it started to REALLY burn in our shoulders and back. They also decided that our feet and our toes had to be flat on the ice on the floor, where we only had to just touch it the previous hour.

The guys are dropping out like flies because this is an unfair mission. I don't normally like to point out how unfair when it's in our favor, but let's be honest, it doesn't even have to do with pain endurance, it's just our shoulders are smaller. Their upper bodies are too damn heavy.

Ellen was driving me crazy. She was sitting one or two rows behind me, and that girl wasn't even tired. She decided to sing to herself the entire time. THE ENTIRE TIME. I don't even know what the hell she was singing, but it seemed to be a song that goes on for all of eternity. Actually, she hummed. I think that's worse. Much worse.

Oh, if it isn't clear, we're supposed to look like we're on a rollercoaster at an amusement park. Is that clear? Our arms are up, we're sitting in these carts. There's cotton candy and shit. Yeah, I don't know how obvious that is.

Eric the Big Cheater. Yeah, what's up with that. I sat directly behind Veronica and Eric, and Eric cheated the whole damn time. He was resting back when he shouldn't have, he was resting his arms, letting them sit on the side of the cart when no one was looking. The fact that he was caught not only cheating, but admitting it with a camera on him and still hoping to not be caught - well, I find it quite amusing. Aneesa catching it was even better.

I get eliminated. Now, my arms didn't go down. I know that they didn't. They came down a bit lower than everyone else's but not lower than where they had to come. I did not bitch because the judge girl was very nice to me, and people had been giving her shit all day. Also, I was against people who just would never drop their arms, and I was doing well enough that it wouldn't make a difference in my score.

This is the part that I remember most. Thawing out is more challenging than staying on the ice. If I had known what it would feel like coming off the ice, if I had ANY CLUE how much more painful it would be than keeping my arms up forver, than I would have won that whole competition ten times over. I say this with all seriousness - the ten minutes following getting off the ice was the most physical pain I have ever experienced in my life. I mean this without any exaggeration. You get off, and at first, there's nothing. A bunch of people had been out already, and they sort of swarmed around me, throwing me down on the moonwalk, putting towels around my butt and feet, and began rubbing them frantically. I didn't realize why until it happened...the blood began its return to my feet and ass. I would say they should have shown more of this because it would be great TV if it didn't ellude to the fact that this mission was extremely dangerous and very poorly planned by production. First comes this...sting. It creeps into your feet like poison on fire. All of a sudden, there is an excruciating ache and burn that it very difficult to articulate. I cried so hard, hard the way a baby or toddler cries - where your whole throat scratches. The pain was so genuine and so powerful that Ruthie got upset and consolled me. Wait a minute, WAIT A MINUTE!!!

Okay, I will begin this point by saying I could be wrong. It was a long time ago, and memories can get twisted, but I seem to remember Ruthie getting out before me. I really think this happened because I remember Aneesa and Ruthie getting into a tiff. It wasn't even that. Ruthie was upset for getting out earlier than she would have liked, and I suppose Aneesa was trying to make her feel better. Ruthie, who never feels she is competing with anyone, but is always challenging herself, did not feel like being consoled. She was personally upset with herself, and she wanted time to relax, but Aneesa took it personally. I remember all of this going on, and I KNOW someone cried with me because I was crying so hard, but this would mean that I got out AFTER Ruthie, so why the hell does the show say that Ruthie lasted 15 minutes longer than me???

Just called Ruthie to confirm. I'm sorry, but that's seriously fucked up. I know for a fact that I was in that game longer than that, and it's messed up to make it look like some people are doing worse OR better than they are. I love Ruthie and she really is a Jedi warrior, so I'm okay, but I lasted longer than her, and it's not cool to just fucking lie and fuck up the facts like that. Ruthie was like, "Yeah, I got out right before you. I wasn't crying with you, but I was consolling you. You were so sad, you looked like this poor little baby." Ruthie - so nurturing. How could one not love her?

So, Melissa is dying and we do the math for her and point out that she will do MORE than fine if she just quits. She doesn't have enough body fat to insulate her, and that's a fact. It's not even meant to be funny. Her hands were literally blue, and she was shaking. Her eyeliner does look great though (I did that.)

When it ends up being just Ayanna and Ellen, they talk it over to decide who should forfeit and let the other take first. They decided mutually for Ellen to come in first, but it looks like Ayanna is just saying that to defend herself.

Ellen doesn't even complain for a second about the pain of thawing. Made me feel kinda stupid.

The mission site takes place a short walk along the beach to our hotel, so most of us walked it back. All this time in Jamaica, I never thought I'd be cold. I ran back to my bedroom and put on sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt - remember, it is never less than 90 degrees, so this ice seriously fucked us up.

The production was concerned. They test out every mission before us, and the longest lasting tester only lasted 45 minutes. Well, sure, when you're not competing for anything, it's easy to quit early. Production could not believe that three hours later, girls were still sitting on the ice. What they did NOT expect - frostbite. About 7 of the girls got it, including myself. I didn't get it too bad. There was a patch of skin on my butt that was red and swollen. It was still pretty dumb. Ellen, on the other hand, who has very little body fat, had dark purple splotches on her ass. She saw a doctor immediately, but remember that we are in Jamaica. Jamaican doctors haven't had much training on how to handle frostbite. You have a spider bite or smoked too much pot - they can help, but they don't even know what the fuck frostbite IS.

Ellen cracked me up when she complained about it to me. That girl can be fucking hysterical when she isn't trying. She's the funniest when she just talks. When she tries, not so much. I loved her the most when she talked about her frostbite. "I mean, I'm seriously pissed. And Lori, I don't mean to sound conceited, but I really like my ass, and now chunks of it are falling off." Ellen was diagnosed with third degree frostbite - the shit that Everest climbers yet. Apparently, it takes 7 years to generate all new skin from the lowest dermis layer, so I don't know what color her ass is now, but I'm sure it's not back to normal. My mother was a nurse, and she was FURIOUS when I told her about this mission. She thought it was too dangerous. Don't ever underestimate the power of ice.

Also, Ayanna cuts out, and she shakes hands with Rachel. This part really focuses on Rachel's boobs. I cannot understand them. I couldn't when we first arrived, and I still can't. I do NOT understand how they are so full and perky. They are not necessarily bigger than anyone else's, and I don't think it's just the clothes she wears. Maybe she wears extra small tops so that they press her boobs in a little, but they are SO round and perfect. They are the best breasts in the world, I think. They almost look fake, but they're totally not. It's just crazy. It's hard not to look, you know? You do know because you totally look.

The inner circle. I have been looking forward to seeing this since that night it was filmed because I needed to know HOW they could vote Rachel off. Well, it's obvious by this episode alone that the girls have taken the "who has the most heart" rule and bastardized it. It is ADMITTED openly without discussion that Ellen wouldn't vote off Tonya becuase they were friends, and Emily would not vote off Christina because they are friends. This has NOTHING to do with points, with what's best for the team at all. These girls are using the original idea of voting off NOT based on points but on who is best for the team for personal reasons, and I do believe that. Nothing against Tonya or Christina, but the fact that they were not considered simply because they had friends in the inner circle is totally bullshit. They agreed that the lowest scorer - Aneesa, was GOOD for team because of her morale. Fine, but after that, they voted off the next girl in line who they didn't know personally enough, so decided to fucking toss. Rachel. A girl who NEVER gives up, who does well, whose fucking Road Rules is airing every Monday as we are THERE, and is KNOWN for being a strong competitor and team player. Emily is talking a lot of shit about Rachel, which I find to be very strange because I didn't even know that Emily and Rachel knew who the other one was. You would think there was bad blood going on here or something the way Emily says she is consistently bad and has no focus. This is coming from a girl who has never spent more than five minutes with anyone but her boyfriend the whole time we were there. Focus? Are you REALLY talking about what's best for the team here? So Ellen doesn't trust Rachel. Well, we already know that Ellen is pissed that Rachel wouldn't break the rules to help her with the house-building mission, and Rachel is indeed on OBVIOUS threat. She doesn't take shit from anyone, she's good at everything, and she's beginning to climb the charts. No one gives a shit about girls winning. If they did, Rachel would NEVER have gone home. I think the inner circle was full of shit on this decision. I was VERY disappointed in their rationale, and I knew that we were about to embark on some seriously shitty times in Jamaica because of how poorly this decision was made.

Anyway, Ellen claims that Rachel is flaky and shady. There are two things that Rachel are not. That would be flaky and shady.

And this leads me to wonder if what we are seeing is what we are getting here. I mean, we know that the times on our competition are bullshit, so I'm starting to wonder if these proper pronouns are about Rachel at all. I mean, the inner circle met for an hour, the WHOLE hour, and I don't know for sure if Ellen OR Emily are talking about Rachel in all of these scenes tonight. I DO know that Emily always tried to vote off Veronica - in every single inner circle meeting. Maybe, Emily AND Ellen are talking about Veronica in these scenes. I will offer that as a possibility because a lot of things are not matching up here. I don't know if Emily was this passionate about Rachel's stay. However, I DO know that Emily is in this to win - for herself. If Emily is threatened by Rachel, it would not surprise me if she voted out her competition. I mean, she chose this route on Battle of the Seasons, right? Why wouldn't she work her ass off to vote off the people who really could win this whole thing? I don't know what really happened here. Ruthie says that it's all a blur. I'm curious, but I don't know if I'll ever know.

Dan gets voted off. Well, we knew that was going to happen, so Dan and I had decided to make a cake together in the girls' kitchen. We had bought a few boxes of chocolate cake batter. The only problem is that we forgot to get eggs. We didn't know what to do about the situation, but Dan had heard somewhere that if you use enough oil and milk, you don't need eggs. Oh, we also had no measuring equipment. Oh, and I forgot to grease the sides of the pans we were making the cakes in. Oh, and we didn't buy enough frosting. Our three-layer chocolate cake turned into a miserable mess of brown crumbled chunks. It was a horrible disaster, but at least I got to spend some quality time with Dan before he left. I also got some of the best laughs I had the whole time I was there because Dan is one of the greatest people to talk to on the planet. Also - I got no credit for helping make the cake. Everyone thanked Dan, no one thanked me. It made me sad. I got over it in about five seconds, but it was still annoying...

So, they announce Rachel's name. Hold on, Ellen gives an entire speech about how sad it will be to let Rachel go. Her whole speech was bad. I mean, the girl knows how hard she bashed her during the inner circle meetings, it was on camera. You have to be a little careful when you're going to say very different things on camera. You have to at least try to be consistent. This was within one hour that Ellen said one thing and then something completely different. As Melissa told me, "That's just bad PR." So, here's Ellen being told how gross she is, and the boys are booing. I agree with them. I would have booed too. We were being stupid, and I was disappointed to be associated with all this bullshit. It was at that moment that I realized I was a part of a seriously catty, twisted team that was already perpetuating the stereotypes of girls that we all wanted so badly to resist. So, I cried my damn eyes out. I knew that from this moment on, things would begin to get really ugly. I was disappointed in our team and very sad to see my friend go. Starting tonight, there would be a lot of tears and lot of screams, and this is my home for god knows how long. So, I cried. I cried for me, for everyone around me.

On a funny note, Ellen says something in interview about being criticized for every decision she's making. Anyone else notice that in this interview, she has black hair, not brown, has about 5 to 10 more pounds on, and his totally without her Jamaican tan? How fucking weird is that? Where and when did THIS interview come from? They either flew her in later for this, or they took this from her Road Rules 10 season two years ago. Did they need this one clip that badly that they dug up old footage? How fucking weird is that?

Back to that evening: That night was crazy. A lot happened, but it looks like they'll be showing it on next week's episode. I'll get into it next week then in case they do.

This thing with Ayanna getting pissed is actually much more passionate than was shone. I couldn't believe that something like this was played down. As SOON as Ellen announced Tonya as winning the ion for being a team player, Ayanna bitched out and walked out of there telling Ellen how bullshit she was. Rachel came back and pointed out that SHE was the one the other day that changed her partner for "the team," and Tonya had only gone along with it. Ayanna yelled how true that was, how bullshit we were, and then the confrontation took place that you saw. Ruthie was upset. I was surprised with her. I didn't think Ruthie would go along with voting Rachel off because I found Rachel to be so OBVIOUSLY good for the team. No one trusted Ellen or Emily very well, but people were ALL shocked with Ruthie. When talking about the night, people's tone would change when discussing Ruthie. "I don't want to be mad at Ruthie because she's so good, and I trust her so much, but how could this have happened?" This was the general tone. I didn't know what to do either. I didn't know how to act. I knew they made a mistake, and that's it. Poor Ruthie was SO upset. She wanted what was best, but she acted poorly, and she knew it. She should have fought to vote off Tonya or Christina, as wonderful as those girls are. I love those chicks, but in fairness, Rachel should not have gone home before them at this point.

Ellen cries about feeling manipulated. This comes as a surprise to me. I mean, I won't say that Emily doesn't manipulate people. A lot of evidence points to that, but I'm surprised that Ellen would react this way. I am VERY glad to see these girls admit that maybe they had made a bad decision.

Emily looks like a serious bitch. Let's be honest. She doesn't look good. That girl was ALWAYS nice to me. She took care of me one day when I was upset about something (just like Ellen did), and we had some great conversations. I liked Emily from what I knew of her. I think she was a nice girl who had a few shady intentions.

Whatever is to come, I'm sure it isn't pretty. I'm still not voted off, and god knows why. Keep watching...