I’m ready to take on this episode.

This episode is the only one that truly, truly upsets me. The whole week before this aired I cried my eyes out. Sobbed. I felt completely betrayed by BMP. Music makes me happy, and no one who has heard me sing live has ever thought that I didn’t have a beautiful voice. BUT WHO SOUNDS GOOD WHEN THEY CAN’T HEAR THEMSELVES????????????? This is an important point I will get to later.

The episode begins with my voice echoing throughout NYC. You may not all agree, but I think I sound pretty good. No one commented on THAT part of the episode, just focused on the other part where I suck hard ass.

Okay, this is funny because I’m sitting at the computer with earphones on singing with Mike and Rachel in the livingroom. This is Valentines Day. Yup, we returned home and hung out with Mike, over a month later, the same night was used for this episode. The make-up Rachel is wearing is what was put on her at MAC during the girl’s night out before dinner. Well, we had some wine at dinner, so again I’m kind of drunk, and I came home, put on the earphones, and belted along to Christina Aguilera at the top of my lungs. Yes, it was rude because people were home, but no one was asleep yet, and I hadn’t sung in the house YET. Okay, I’m serious. It’s been two weeks now that we’ve lived in the house, and I’m used to singing all day everyday. This is the FIRST time I did it, and I only sung one song. Rachel tells me to not sing.

I’ve never had anyone say that my whole life. Never. My family loved when I sang in the shower. When I showered at my friend Aine’s house during high school, her mother would listen to me at the bathroom door. All the people in my life like it when I sing, and now my roommates want me to stop singing. Singing is the only way I got out my anger and pain in high school. I lock myself in my room, turn up my stereo, and sang to get myself through whatever problems I was having.

I wasn’t being dramatic when I told Rachel that asking me not to sing was like asking me not to breathe. I cannot live if I’m not singing regularly, just like I can’t live without breathing. And Mike was wrong about my not losing my ability from not practicing. Singing is NOT like riding a bike. It’s like telling a track runner that he doesn’t need to go running to stay a good track runner. It’s ridiculous.

I was really angry with Rachel that night. I didn’t care enough to be mad at Mike because at that point, I just thought Mike was an idiot anyway. Rachel, however, was my friend. I went upstairs to the deck after that scene in the freezing cold and sang to myself, as you saw. Rachel came up later to apologize, I reluctantly accepted her apology, but I was still mad.

Let’s talk about this singing scene on the roof. The worst thing ever ever ever in the world. I know, I sounded terrible. I remember watching this scene for the first time. I screamed the whole time, held onto my ears, fell off the couch and crawled under the table. Mortified. The funny thing is what I’m singing. I was singing along to myself in a Bostonian recording of As Yet Untitled. The recording is amazing, but my singing along was terrible because I couldn’t hear myself at all, I had the discman up full blast. It’s just so funny to me because it wasn’t like I was singing something I’m incapable of like Mariah or Whitney. I was singing to ME on an original song that I can OBVIOUSLY DO since I’m the only one who does it! I swear that if you heard ANY singer sing when they couldn’t hear themselves AT ALL, they would sound bad. If you don’t believe it, then try it. Sing something and record it. Then, record yourself singing it with headphones on so loud that you can’t hear yourself AT ALL. It’ll be funny, and you will then sympathize for me.

This is where I tell you that I hate the storyboard people more than anyone. I do, and I don’t care if they know it. In fact, I want them to. They are mean people. With how much I sang in that house, they picked the worst clip of me to show on TV as my FIRST impression to the world of my voice. First impressions are big ones, they never go away. Now, even if I became the best singing on this planet and won a million Grammy’s, it would still be out there that I sound just like this fucking clip on this one episode.

Okay, let’s skip to the band. Honestly, I didn’t think they were very good, but I didn’t care. I was in a place where I could sing, and that’s all I needed in this world. But I met with them twice, went to Morocco, and didn’t return their pages when I returned. It was pretty mean of me, but they were giving so much shit about the cameras being around all the time, and I didn’t feel like dealing with their guilt trips. Also, it wasn’t very fun anymore. I didn’t enjoy singing that way in that setting.

I’m not talking about the focus groups because they’re stupid and boring.

Oh, the scene with Nicole making calls to people for the focus group is fun. I love this scene. Coral and I are having our favorite drinks, Bloody Caesars. Oh, I’m getting drunk again, big fucking surprise. Coral’s cracking me up though. I think she’s the funniest fucking thing around. Nicole has me going too. We laughed a lot more than you guys saw.