Ahhh….reality television. The world’s newest and greatest obsession. Is it that we can finally enjoy knowing we hate and love people who actually exist, that we can find them on the street and tell them how much we adore or abhor them? Is it that we feel that we are one step closer to stardom because we can be chosen from a pile of untalented couch-sitters without having to study or accomplish anything but “reality?” We are yearning for more and more while we pretend like we are over saturated with this reality-based nonsense.

The Real World is the original reality-based program that has lasted 10 years. Survivor was not even a glimmer in its producer’s eye when Real World was wowing and intriguing the minds of MTV watchers. 7 people picked to live in a house and have their lives taped. So, what do we do? Just watch them? Who gives a fuck? Well, apparently we did… “we” being like every damn person on earth. When the idea of Real World 2 came along, I swear it was the stupidest thing that could have ever occurred in the minds of MTV people, and I hated the whole concept. “Let a good show go…don’t make it this wannabe remake.” Nothing scares a fan more than a shitty sequel, which gives a bad name to a great original. I looked at these “characters” and thought, “Oh no…fucking posers.” This isn’t because these were bad or uninteresting people. I just felt that they had TOO big of an act to follow, and that their failure was simply guaranteed. Then Real World 3 came along. “Oh, so it’s an annual thing now?” It was clear that a path was set and a tradition was born. I thought it would die eventually, but as it seems, the shift went from the fascination with people’s real lives to the greed and eagerness for fresh meat… “who’s the next cast, who’s the next cast.”

Why has Real World remained unlike any other reality-based program? Well, because as contrived as it simply HAS to be to be at all fun to watch (the amazing apartment, mostly), it is still just people’s lives and thoughts without any sort of goal. There are no missions, no getting kicked off (well, not at least as a mandatory weekly ritual), and no quizzes. Here are seven kids picked because they are unlike each other to drastic extremes, and this is what happens when they are forced-fed each other every minute of the day. Sure, it’s not a normal thing that seven random people from different places would come live together for free in a luxurious house, but that’s the fun of it all. Real World survives because people like the main, essential Real Worldings: phat pad, interesting and sometimes quite attractive articulate individuals, and good fucking fights. That’s it. Three things, and we can’t get enough of them. Is it “real”? Well, this boils down to one thing: the definition of “real”.

Philosophers have been boiling over this question since the beginning of time and though many have taken a stab at it, maybe jotted it down on a stone slab, scroll, or computer screen…when it comes to reality-based television, we come to mean something different: When we say “real,” we mean that we want people who remind us of ourselves, or someone we actually know in our own lives. We want someone who is NOT acting. We leave the acting for the movies. When we’re sitting in our living rooms and the channel lands on MTV, we want people who are merely existing and NOT putting on a show.

Okay, now this is what fascinates me: when people claim that a Real Worlder is not being real. These antisocial critics who hide in their dorm rooms watching marathon after marathon of Real World can’t decide whether to blame the cast members or the casters. They claim they’re frustrated with the casters, but who do they just LOVE to hate out loud…the poor souls that thought it’d be cool to be a Real Worlder and now endore the life of a celeb…a celeb who has no money and no way to hide. What these critics don’t seem to get yet is that after ten years of casting two reality-based programs, they fucking KNOW when people are acting and when they’re being themselves. They want to find genuine people more than you want them to find them.

Why are certain people selected? Hmm…excellent question, I’ve been brewing over this one myself. I don’t know for sure. There are different theories as to what the casters’ motives are…to find everyday people or to find unique people. This is not to say that most people are ordinary and thus most people suck. No no no. I mean, there are people out there who are vibrantly themselves. They are SO themselves ALL the damn time, and are SO nonchalant about the fact that they are themselves, yet so passionate about themselves simultaneously. They must be articulate…that’s their only requirement. Because they are not just like MOST people you know in your life, you assume that they are “unreal.” I am so intrigued by this. People find cast members to be not “ordinary” enough to be “real.” “Real” has thus come to mean “common.” Someone who is unlike people YOU know is essentially “unreal” because they MUST be acting or they would be just like you or me. Ahhh…this is what we’re getting at then.

Seems crystal clear, but alas, the public contradicts itself with its vile complaints. Now, I could be wrong here, but through my observation, cast members often regarded as most “real” are those who are consistent. Makes sense, in a way…if they are consistent, then they must be “real” because no one can act all the time. People who change too frequently are just struggling to keep up an act. Thus, those cast members who are consistently vulgar, bitchy, or are too honest and confrontational are approached by fans with the comment of “you’re so real!” What the fuck does that mean? The infamous Puck might have repulsed us, but hey, at least he was real. Not. So annoying. All of a sudden, the world regards “real” as NOT someone who sees both sides of a situation, or someone who changes an opinion, or someone who tries to avoid confrontation, but someone who is in-your-face THEM all the time. Looky-looky…now it’s a good thing to be vibrant and unordinary. Yes, I said unordinary…do NOT fucking tell me that being wishy-washy, back-stabbing, indifferent, non-confrontational, hypocritical, and conviction-less is uncommon. These shitty-ass qualities are in every person that surrounds you in a room and decidedly the most REAL qualities you can find in a person. Not a goddamn person isn’t a hypocrite at some point, or at least is a preacher of what one does NOT practice. I say that if you see someone on TV who is fighting for attention, is crying too damn much, is unwilling to fight with someone else, or is saying one thing and doing another then congratulate the bastard/bitch for being like everyone else. If you want “real,” you’ve fucking got it.

Okay, now there is a whole new twist to this situation. Let’s consider this minor detail to you, major detail to the Real Worlders: the crew. Somehow, when we’re watching the show, we just think we can magically “see” these characters. We’re walking down the street with them…oh, now we’re walking behind them. Wrong, stupid…you’re not walking at all, there are five people racing around whoever is walking trying to give YOU the effect of floating around the cast members. A cameraperson, a soundperson, a light-holder, a walking guide, a director…they are scurrying about in an artistic frenzy with the relentless goal to gain “the perfect shot.”

A whole new issue is brought into play: what is being real to the producer’s point of view? Again, I might have to go with the consistency concept: A cast member will be “real” if s/he can remain exactly who s/he is on and off the camera. S/he will be unaffected by the idea of being watched, and will not edit him/herself based on the idea that whomever that person is talking about may one day find out. A person like this must be strong and willing to give up some secrets and just fire away at whatever thoughts put into mind because if the camera were not there, s/he’d have no qualms about saying the thought out loud. Hmmm…okay, this makes sense from the producer’s point of view. Sadly, this does not actually make sense when it comes to real life. This is where my idea of what is “real” comes to differ and I am left confused. To me, being “real” is recognizing the reality of the situation, which means being aware of everything going on around you, being aware of the consequences. What I think the casters are REALLY looking for are people who are “real” in the sense that they are unnaturally oblivious to camerapersons in their face and the idea that their mother might one day KNOW you said what you just said. Is a person “unreal” for thinking, “I should be careful how I phrase that, because it doesn’t sound right,”? Is it unrealistic to know you’re being heard and for thinking before you speak? From the caster’s point of view, no, it’s not unrealistic, however, it is not what they’re looking for. The unnatural obliviousness is indeed what is necessary to make the show work as planned…sadly, total and complete obliviousness is impossible, as long as the person plans to reenter the world s/he once came from. Maybe it’d be GTV if no one at all cared what ANYONE thought of ANY THOUGHT that pops out of anyone’s mouth…but honestly, one Puck was enough for my lifetime, how about yours?

So now what do we have? Seven real/unreal Real Worlders wandering about the streets with headaches and identity-crises. My advice? Shut up and enjoy the show.