People audition for the Real World for multiple reasons, or what they think are reasons when most often they are excuses for the cold and bitter truth that they are not willing to accept. This truth is that we are under an illusion of glamour. I’ve said this before in other entries, but I have to reiterate it now to make a new, but similar point. I helped in an open call for Real World 12. Basically, I had ten minutes per group of ten individuals to ask questions and see if I could get original responses. I liked asking my groups why they were auditioning for the show. They gave a lot of reasons I gave myself when I was asked in an interview. I felt I had things to say to the world. I felt like I could make a difference somehow because I knew I was smart, educated, and could be enlightening if an interesting enough topic were being discussed. I like having an opinion and sharing it with people who don’t agree. I like seeing why people have the opinions they have, especially when I don’t understand how they could disagree with me on certain topics. I enjoy learning more about a person and discovering how his history developed this individual that sits before me with these theories based off his life experiences or the books he may have read, movies he’s loved to watch. For these reasons, I knew that this show would bring on a life experience completely unique and totally pertinent to what I study and what has always fascinated me on a personal level. Then there was the superficial side of it. This is the reason why you go to the audition. You think it would be cool to be on TV.

What was so funny to me was to listen to some people say that they want to experience fame, but they are aware that big fame will only destroy their semi-comfortable lives of pleasant ambiguity. They think that the Real World would be a great experience because you can learn what fame feels like, but soon people will forget you when the season is over and a new season begins. Your “normal” life can resume. I laughed inside when I heard this. Thing is, I really had no personal experience of being forgotten quite yet, but what I’ve heard from alumni such as Matt and Melissa from New Orleans cast is that it never quite ends as smoothly as one would expect. With things like marathons and reunions, a whole new batch of people learn who you are, and they don’t forget you very fast. Somehow this felt both comforting and terrifying to me. When you pray for at least one day to go by where you can forget about those four months in the loft, but someone comes up to remind you, you fear for the marathon to air because you wonder how much more you can take of being noticed when you want to be invisible.

Next you thing you know, a whole new fear sets in, and this is NOT one that anyone warns about or you EVER hear about when you think it’s a cool idea to audition for the show. This is Replacement Anxiety. Alumni have been more than kind in letting me know that I’m not alone in this strange and unfamiliar feeling, but sometimes even expecting the anxiety to arrive doesn’t change the fact that it hurts when it’s there.

Today, I saw on mtv.com the Real World 11 site already being developed complete with pictures of the new and beautiful cast. Fresh faces, new prey. Now, I’ve met these kids, and I liked them a lot. I was excited for them, scared for them, and sad for myself. One would think I’d be relieved. You go through so much after this show is over. You go through identity-crises, self-doubt, embarrassment, pride, conceit, loneliness, exhaustion, excitement. The list of emotions is endless, and you never feel completely happy until something else distracts and reminds you of the pleasantries outside of this entire experience that somehow consumed your every thought and every conversation for way too many consecutive months. One would think that this crap would be over as the new batch takes on the brunt of America’s harsh criticisms. However, this is not the case at all, and it’s upsetting when you expect to feel one way and then feel another.

It’s jealousy. Who knew that was in store for me after all of this? I guess someone could have told me, but no one really thought to. For a second, the world seemed to care about what I had to say, no matter how ridiculous or insignificant my words were, but now, my time is over, and I think I have so much more to say. I wanted my “character” to show more of my thoughts on life. I wanted to talk about empathy. I wanted to talk about pride, beauty, God. All that came out was my desperation for some romantic attention and a few bits and pieces of my singing that didn’t show even a fraction of what I am capable of doing with my voice. That’s terrifying to think I invested and sacrificed so much to be a part of what I hoped would be a positive and articulate gift to the world, but ended up being a caricature of a little girl. I was myself, but “myself” is not entirely what the world saw. It’s not even that I care necessarily what the world thinks because even if I had been portrayed as wise and deep, my daily life would not have changed. My friends and family would have loved me just the same. I’d still be returning to school; I’d still be bartending for not nearly enough money to pay my rent. So, why is it so upsetting to me that the world didn’t see what I would have chosen for them to see? Why do I feel stupid when I know I’m not a stupid girl? And if I didn’t even like what I saw of me on TV, why then would I be so upset that my show is over and new people are taking the ten spot?

I guess it boils down to straight up Replacement Anxiety. I guess you can’t analyze it more than that. I guess it’s not that unfamiliar of a feeling if you think about it. It’s weird when you return to your high school to discover that it’s still going on without you. It’s not even that you ever thought the school couldn’t continue without you, but to know there are new seniors, new freshmen, same classes, same scandals and social crazes, it feels…sad. Nothing has changed, and the school is fine without you. What about relationships? Is there nothing more painful than when your ex has a new love? How could they just move on and love someone new? How could they just stop thinking about you and start thinking about someone else? We go through life thinking we’re leaving a trail, marking our territories, but nothing is really ours. Life moves on, time keeps going, and when you’re dead and gone, the world keeps turning. It’s a fact of life, and yet it feels unnatural on a personal level. I guess that’s why people try to write books when they’re older and not writers. I guess that’s why people have children when they don’t want to actually be parents. People want to leave their mark on the world. They want to know they won’t be forgotten. We’re all here for a short time, and most of us are eager to “make a difference.” Maybe that’s why I’m so upset about this portrayal issue. I finally got to leave my mark, and the mark I left is pretty superficial and pointless. At least that’s how I see it.

It’s not even just that. I mean, I left my last semester of senior year in a really fun party school to go to New York. I missed out on the Bostonian tour in California where they went to Disneyland and Price is Right. They even got ON Price is Right when Dimo, a freshman in the group, won the entire showcase. I’ve been watching that show since I was born, and my best friends were all there together. I had a seat on that plane to go with them, and I didn’t go. I left my boyfriend. I lost my privacy. Then you wonder, what did I give this up for exactly? I gave it up to be on TV and be displayed as someone that is hardly even what I consider “me.” I have four days before the last episode airs, and then this whole thing that became way too big in my life is over with a flash of credits. That’s it. And you think to yourself, “Wait a minute. There’s more. THERE’S MORE! Show that part when Coral and I got into a pillow fight. Show Kegger Day and the theme song we sang. Show when we were in Boston lying all over each other watching movies in the hotel room! Wait, WAIT!” But before we’re even over, here are seven new faces to help you forget about ours. It’s sad to me. I think it would be sad to anyone. And I would be lying if I said my heart didn’t drop when I saw the new season being advertised as the “hottest ever.” I heard this season is amazing, but I think it’s downright rude to drop this comparison when we’ve only had our 14 minutes of fame. That last minute is important to me, and I want it, and I’ve earned it.

I guess this show just taught me another lesson about the inevitability of being replaced. Of course, this is a bit like having that lesson being bashed across my skull with a hammer, but hey, life will do that to you. We’ve seen this happen to much bigger people than we lowly Real Worlders. Every artist out there that’s on the top of the world will one day vanish from our magazine covers with a new artist to replace them. Even Dirk Diggler (sp?) thought the porn industry wouldn’t last a second without him. I suppose we should just flash our smiles and wave to our moms while the cameras are still turned on, and get ready to return to normal life. Good luck to the future RWs, and enjoy the ride while it lasts.