Surprisingly, I find myself missing L.A, which is something I had not expected at all. Usually, when I go away, I enjoy that time, but look forward to going home. For the first time in a while, I reluctantly packed my bags, and was practically dragged kicking and screaming to the airport, all the while whining, "I don't WANT to go back." I cannot understand this reaction because L.A. was not exactly the type of place I initially considered fitting to my personality. I hate that you have to drive everywhere. I hate how lazy some people get about driving for more than a few minutes. I don't like how hot I feel like you need to be, how in shape and noticeable. Still, all that superficiality that hovered over me when I arrived dissolved away, and I was among people living the lifestyle I had lived this previous year. They are lounging in their lovely weather, living off their RW earnings, relaxing in the sun, soaking in the smell of Bird's of Paradise and lilacs. They are having a good time, taking day by day, both curious and anxious about their futures they are haphazardly trying to make for themselves. Each day takes its unique form of fun, and their schedules always have room for laughter. Though no where in this world can compare to NYC, and though L.A. is still not the home of my heart, I had a curiously intriguing time, and I am not pleased to be freezing in Boston with little more than midterms to look forward to.

Sure, I love routine, and there is something wonderful about reading a book and discussing all its inner meanings with a large group of educated thinkers. I enjoy the two classes where I actually feel like I'm learning something, but I don't feel right. I know that's vaguely put, but it is accurate. I don't feel put together correctly, I feel like there is something off right now. The universe lacks the sensation of order today.

L.A. was strange because it was a trip to BMP fraternity. I saw more RWs and RRs than I can count, and we all live under the "bubble" as Melissa calls it. And even when neither of the shows are actually being discussed, they somehow still feel a part of the conversation. Then again, how could it not? Would we be talking together without the mutually psychological intrusion of being a cast member? No, we wouldn't.

Blair and I discussed why our replacement anxiety existed in the first place. I came to conclusion about it: Being accepted onto the show out of approximately 40,000 people gives us an incomprehensible feeling of uniqueness. We were selected, so we must be special, is the mentality we create whether it be conscious or subconscious. Though we cannot fathom exactly how or why we are so unique, we just feel that we are (this is all within our private thoughts, often not shared out loud.) However, a new cast is born, and suddenly our "characters" are quickly substituted by similar stereotypes with exotic names. After only just tasting our glory of individuality, we are robbed of it an instant later by the "new" innocent, drunk, slut, prude, open-minded, artistic, aspiring, proud, bigoted stranger in a loft. How in only a few months time can one be tossed to such extreme ends of spectrum between feeling exceptional and being a dime a dozen? It is fascinating objectively, and devastating personally. I hope after Las Vegas, I couldn't give one single shit. I refuse to be a person who rides on the tales of RW conversation for the rest of my life.

Anyway, I did have a nice time getting to know a few people I've been interested in knowing a little better. I have to say, I admire Keri for a quite a few things. First off, she's even more beautiful in person. Her features are striking, and her nonchalance is contagious. You can tell she is one of the few who have no dream to pursue the entertainment business. She does not need to rely on her image for her future. She sees the RW as an entertaining learning experience. She seems completely unaffected, and I look at her and think about how comfortable it would be to have not gone through the unnecessary yet personally unavoidable over-analysis of the experience. What a simpler and smoother life it could be.