It's really only after an event that you can appreciate the humor of it. I spent the last year having very little sense of humor about my life and my situation. I hated being judged, and I didn't take it lightly when people insulted me for entertainment. Though I spent the last ten years ridiculing our seven annual scapegoats, I was mortified when that same close-minded ridicule came my way. I can imagine that if a person really could laugh at themselves whole-heartedly, that this experience would have been hysterical; however, being the openly insecure, private, and sensitive person that I am, the experience was torturous - not because I was displeased with living there or with my "character," but because of the overwhelming attention that left me paranoid and confused. I don't know why I didn't know what I was getting into since I watched the damn show for a decade. I don't know why I didn't expect to the butt of a hundred jokes, and I don't know why I didn't think those jokes were funny when they would have been if they were about someone else.

However, things have changed a bit. I am now back on the other side of the screen as an everyday television-watcher, a fan of the Tuesday 10-spot show The Real World, and now I couldn't feel stupider about my mental disorientation over this past year. Let's be honest, if I went back in time knowing what I know now, I'd probably be just as sensitive about the ridicule as I was before, but I can't help but feel ridiculous about it now. Let me explain…

I met the Chicago cast briefly in November when I visited Chicago after they had completed filming. After hanging out with them sporadically over the course of a day and half, I would say that I got to know them pretty much not at all. I mean, I liked them for the most part and thought they were good people, but how can you POSSIBLE know someone after that amount of time? Still, these kids were the newest members of the family that I myself had just entered, and I felt protective over them. They were freaking out as anyone would in that position on the brink of international exposure, and I was pleased to be able to tell them that everything really would be okay even if there were times that it didn't feel that way. So, without knowing them personally but having a first impression of them, I will say that I like this group.

Even though I found these people to be good, fun-loving individuals, most of whom do not deserve harsh criticism to the degree that Real Worlders receive, having been through it and past it, I feel like I have a little stronger grasp of what this is all about. Each season before mine understands this more than I do, this understanding growing in depth as you move back through the casts. No one sees this irony more than the members of the original season. I'm just at the beginning in this lesson, and it's nicer from here than from the hot seat.

I look at the message boards now, mostly because it's nice not seeing messages entitled, "Lori's bald," or "Lori can't sing." I see the same relentless verbal abuse on these kids as I did for my cast, and honestly, it doesn't seem so bad. I mean, it IS bad, but it doesn't seem like the evil hell that I thought it was. It's totally fucked up what some of these guys are being called, but I can see what it is like now for someone who isn't personally involved with these people. It's just playful bitching. Here's a group of popular kids that the world has a BLAST making fun of. And why? Because they're not real people to us. They are real enough that they are worth talking about, but they're not around us, so there are no repercussions on saying whatever we want to say about them. The result: fun. It's fun to make fun of people who are seemingly more fortunate than you. It's not cool to hurt their feelings, and I'm not still pleased with posting insults because they DO read them, but making little jokes in the privacy of your living room is harmless, isn't it?

I look at people calling Cara a slut, and I feel bad for her, but then it crosses my mind, "Hey, it's fine. She's a cool girl, it's not a big deal. These are just a bunch of asses who like calling people names," but Cara might not be taking it all that well. It's not that I forgot what it was like, and it's not like I would take it so well if it were me either, but having been on the inside of things, it's just really interesting to see it all happen just the same after me. I don't mean to sound as if I thought that things would change after I entered the show; it's that I thought I would change. I thought I wouldn't be so entertained by the stupid drama because I know so well the role of editing and what it can do to that "character." However, I buy into it just to be entertained. I "know" that these people I see on the show are not their whole selves. I know they are carved into images, but like I wrote before, what fun is it to watch the show and give everyone the benefit of the doubt? What fun is it to watch it and say, "They're probably not like that. They're probably much better than they seem,"? Real Worlders are generally NOT our new friends, and we don't need to know the REAL people that they are, we need to just watch, laugh, and yell at our screens.

Why do I still do this website then if knowing the real me isn't that important since that isn't the point of being the show? I don't know. I'm having fun doing it. I wanted to post my thoughts because I thought they were interesting, and if other people do too, then that's something, isn't it?

I sort of feel like apologizing. I wish I could laugh at myself a little more. I laugh at myself non-stop when I'm in the company of people I know love me. I feel stupid for taking myself so seriously. I feel stupid for getting so embarrassed about shit I know shouldn't bother me. I have really thin hair. It's genetic. I sound like shit when I can't hear myself. What's the big deal? It sucks when people think I have no talent when I know I do, but why does that bother me so much again?

Ugh…enough of this talk. I like watching this show. I'm having a good time.