Not good

I’m not doing well at all right now. I feel lost, scared, and lonelier and lonelier by the second. I feel like I’m drifting outside of myself, and all of a sudden everything in the world feels unfamiliar. I feel like I’m in some sort of dream state, or more terrifying, like my whole life prior to this point was the dream state, and I’ve just awoken into a bitter and isolating reality. I feel so internally unsettled that I’m a bit nauseous, to be honest.

Matt’s friends and family were angered and hurt by my Casting Special discussion with Kevin when I said that Matt is emotionally immature. He is so hurt and feels so betrayed that he does not want me to be a part of his life. Furthermore, all those people I spent all that time getting to know and like have decided that I’m an unfaithful bitch and have emailed him to tell him so. I feel shattered somehow.

I realized today why I’m not confrontational, and why I am hurt so much. I am so absolutely heartbroken when I cause anyone else pain that I would rather allow the person to continue to hurt me then watch their faces when I tell them I’m not happy with them. I’d rather carry the burden on my own shoulders than deal with the guilt and the discomfort of telling someone else that I’m not happy with them. I’ll cling real hard to the positives because it hurts too much to deal with the negatives. I hurt and offended so many people when I made that comment, and I haven’t done that since middle school.

What’s odd is that I don’t really take back what I said because I do believe it completely. I feel awful that Matt was exposed to this and that he was hurt, but I can’t do anything about it. I had forgiven him for more heart-wretching things than that.

Thing is, nothing feels stable. I’ve realized that I’m such a horribly jealous person. Again, I do not act this way. Instead, I internalize all this pain and allow my insecurities fester and boil on the inside while I play confident on the outside. I cannot handle anything. I’m jealous of everyone and everything.

I am amazed by how little I like myself sometimes. I don’t feel comfortable anywhere. I hate the world that I am one day away from entering. I am horrified by my own life.

I feel guilty about every little thing. I feel tortured by my own thoughts. I’ve realized that I haven’t been comfortable laughing. I can’t think or talk about anything other than my own fucking life and I’m so fucking sick and tired of my own brain. I feel out of place and out of society. I hate to talk about myself, but I can’t seem to listen to anyone else talk either. I am totally self-absorbed and I don’t even like myself that much.

I am jealous of those who are self-secure and I realize that I would be attractive if I were that self secure; however, it would be in the not caring whether or not I’m attractive that I will then BE secure and THUS attractive. But I can’t help this, I can’t fix it.
I have nothing to say to anyone. I am scared. I am so so lost. It’s like no one can hear me even when I’m talking clearly, even when I’m talking to people who have been in my position. I just let everyone down. I feel like I’m just hurting one person after another.

I’ve lost something. I should not have done the Real World. I don’t think I should have. Why am I SO insecure? How did this happen?

I’m not comfortable with myself. I’m awkward and frustrated. I don’t know how I’ll ever learn to relax. I don’t know when I’ll ever begin to enjoy life again. I don’t know who in the world I can talk to about this. I feel so alone.