I was at Katie's tonight watching TV with Katie, Mike, and Adam waiting for Real World to come on. We watched this VH1 show called Driven, and it was about Britney Spears. It was narrated by her relatives and old dance teachers. I liked it because it wasn't narrated by anyone who worked in the business who just likes to kiss her ass because she's Britney. Anyway, as it turns out, Britney was really fucking good when she was little. I mean, she's good now, but she was that little girl that really did rock. Her dancing skills were truly fantastic. In fact, her voice was a bit better than it is now, which led us to believe that the raspy baby voice she's got going now is just for show. I think she's faking it just to be stylistic. She sounds now like she can't really sing all that much, like it hurts or something. I love her music, especially this new album. I've been a Britney fan since day one, but I never thought her voice had much range. However, this show about her singing when she was little revealed that the girl has some SERIOUS lungs. She can belt her head off. I don't know why she holds back so much. If she opened up her throat, she really would be the only person out there that can sing REALLY well AND dance REALLY well. Why is she short-changing her voice?

Whatever. That's not what my point was supposed to be. The girl really busted her ass to get where she is. I mean, I've known people who've wanted to be stars, but her story really amazes me. According to these people, which doesn't mean total accuracy, she never stopped working. She dedicated her childhood to being the best she could be. It sounds like she really deserves what she has earned today, and that makes me feel better. It's true that I've become very jealous of her. Who isn't? I mean, I feel bad for her in a way because she doesn't know how much fun college is. She doesn't know how much fun ambiguity can be at this age. However, she is having a lot of other kind of fun that I'm not and may never will. And she wanted this life. It wasn't just thrown at her, she busted her ass to get it, so she is probably the happiest person on the earth. She did it. She didn't just do it like other people did it though because other people make it and then fade. People would say the Backstreet Boys did it, but they didn't, because where are they now? She did, because she's not going anywhere. I don't really feel bad for her at all.

Then I wondered what I was jealous about? First, I thought that I was jealous that she lives this life. Now, after thinking about it, I'm jealous that she knew exactly what she wanted, she knew what to work for. That kind of direction is so admirable, and I don't know if I have it.

So, I got to thinking about how these shows are great and all, but I would like to hear a different kind of success story. Not the Shania Twain, Jewel, Jim Carey stories where they were poor and talented and worked day and night to get the life for themselves and their families that they deserved. I want to hear a story about a person who discovered a new dream for themselves later in life, shot for it, and succeeded. I mean, why is it that you have to have this dream from birth to get there. There are people out there who don't know their passions or their callings directly out of the womb, so does that mean they don't have a shot?

I guess when you have a difficult childhood, you are forever motivated to prove something. Maybe I wasn't motivated because my life was good. I didn't need to make it because if I didn't, I had other options. Well, are there people out there who had no other options, busted their ass, and just didn't make it anyway? There's got to be. How about every damn person in LA?

I didn't know that I loved singing until about 7th grade. I loved it, but it was a secret to me. I knew I loved the stage. I ALWAYS loved performing, and it's still my favorite thing in life. I thought I would be a dancer, but I don't have the feet. I haven't taken many amazing dance lessons, and Britney kicked my ass as a dancer in 5th grade. Well, I'm not trying to be a pop star anymore, so I don't need to dance really.

My point was, do I have a chance now. I mean, I'm all proud that I'm finally writing music, and I'm proud that I'm trying to work more with Dave and Joey, but a lot of people do ten times what I do and still don't make it. I mean, what would have happened if I had gone on that show having already worked with Dave and Joey to make an album? Would things have been different? Would I be on my way?

I'm reading this book for class called The Alchemist. It's about discovering your Personal Legend. Well, it's a bit more complicated than that, and I'm only halfway through the book. Even so, this book is already meaning so much to me because it's so relevant to what's going on in my life right now. Well, it should be because I'm reading it for a course called Life Decisions, and it's all second semester seniors on their way out to the actual world. Anyway, here's this boy who's come to learn what his Personal Legend is (his destiny, his fate, his reason for being on this earth.) However, it seems impossible to reach, and he experiences many moments of doubt where this dream is not worth fighting for because it is just too hard. He's not even fully convinced that this is his destiny, even though a part of him knows that it is. He's happy doing other things though that aren't as extravagant. He's fine with sheep herding, and he doesn't know why he had to shoot for this Personal Legend.

The character that really got me was the old man who sold the crystal. His whole life went by, and when he finally realized his Personal Legend, he realized he'd rather not have it because it gives him something to dream of, and he fears reality will never live up to it. I've been positive that I would be a successful singer. Not sure what I meant by successful, but I would sing what I love, and make a profession out of it. I'm still convinced, the same way I knew when I decided to go to the open call for Real World that I would make it. I knew it. I almost didn't go to the open call because I didn't know if I wanted to miss my second semester of my senior year, and I knew if I auditioned that I would have to because I would make it. I confided in Matt after that audition. We were walking home from the dining hall and I said, "I going to make it. I know I am." He replied, "Come on, Lori. Are you really that conceited?" That was rude. I wasn't being conceited. It was a feeling I had, a strange feeling. I knew I would make it. Every once in a while, I get that feeling about singing. I'd say to a friend, "I'm going to be a singer," and I know I will. However, every once in a while, I think about how hard it will be to get there. Then I think about how scared I am at actually going for it. I mean, it's a dream, and in my dreamworld, it always works out. I'm scared about actually doing it. I mean, I'm excited, but I'm scared. I'm scared that I might be wrong.

I have to do it. I have to. But I'm not working as hard as Britney did, so does that mean I don't really deserve it?