I realized something today that made me feel a lot more confident about myself. My website has just gone up. I recently checked a fan club site on Yahoo to see some reactions to everythinglori.com. I was a little surprised at first to discover quite a bit of negativity towards my Thoughts section. I was obviously biased when I watched the show. Everyone I asked about it was my friend, so they were biased as well. It was difficult to image what the outside world thought of me, or of my “character” on the show because I knew what else there was to me. I noticed that a few people were disappointed to see that I had a biting edge. I guess some people expected that I was nothing more than a bubbly, flighty, flaky, sweet, sparkplug of a girl. What is funny is that no one who’s ever known and loved me would ever describe me that way. When people saw that I curse quite a bit and have a general depressing and pessimistic view on life often, whatever image they had of me (that they preferred) was shattered. This was difficult to deal with because it hurts when people seem to like you and then are disappointed when they learn more about you.

I can’t change the fact that I care what people think of me. I have grown to accept that this is part of my nature, and though I wish I didn’t care, all I can do is deal with this inevitability.

What made me feel a bit better about the general disappointment in my true self was that at least I’m being true. I think it has finally occurred to me why I am have been so tortured by this show even though I didn’t disagree with my portrayal: I don’t like people making any judgments on me without knowing the whole me. I was bothered by people insulting my character and personality when they don’t even KNOW my personality. I was bothered by people complimenting me for those same reasons. Don’t act like you know me when you only see what you want to see. If you see who I am, if you learn all my qualities – good and bad – and then decide that you don’t like me, then that’s fine. I am comfortable with that, which is something I never thought I would say. This site is not up just for you. This site is up for me. I needed the world to see who I am really because I am proud of who I am. Even when I go crazy, when I get stressed out about my future, when I kick myself so hard for stupid little things, I am still proud to be me. I am the farthest cry from perfect in my eyes, but I like me anyway. If you do not approve of me, then this is no longer my problem.

A little insight? Almost every one of my friends and family answered the same word when asked before I moved in “which one” I would be: the bitch. Everyone thought I would be the bitch. I’m opinionated, dramatic, and I get annoyed very easily by people unlike myself. I am also a sweetheart who is a loyal friend to the death. Like every person out there, I have a million layers. If you’re reading this, then I thank you for being interested enough to discover what they are.

On to a lighter, insignificant topic:
I can’t believe how much reading there is for school. I have completely forgotten how much homework they throw you. Scary. Can I read Angela’s Ashes in under two weeks? I really don’t know. Katie reminded me that I don’t actually have to all the reading. I think I should though. Being out of school has put things in perspective for me. I am lucky to be in classes where I can learn and better myself. I should read this book because it’s a brilliant memoir. You know what? I should be reading now. I’m gonna go do that…