You know how every once in a while, you just become really stupid? Then when you realize how unreasonable and stupid you’re being, you get upset with yourself for it. It’s this downward spiral. Well, I just got stupid this morning, finding myself being jealous and threatened by people who are good and kind. Cara is a cast member of RW11. I liked her as soon as I met her. I found her to be non-threatening, fun, and attractive. I mean that in the literal sense of the word; she really draws you in whether by her bright personality or her bright eyes. She is someone I would have been very close with if we were around each other. She and I would have been inseparable if we were on the same cast. I think it’s a pattern with me to have slightly painful jealousies towards my friends or those who I consider taking as friends. I’ve always been slightly jealous of Katie, Laura, Erin, Aine, Darcy, Michelle, and Briehan. I think it goes all the way back to Dawn. My first friend in life who was my only friend for years stood one step ahead of me. I knew she wasn’t smarter than me, but they taught her and Lisa to read in kindergarten when the rest of us had to wait until we were in first grade. They tried to keep it from us. They played a video or used nap time to boost them ahead, but I always looked at them and thought, “What are they doing? Why can’t I do that too?”

I look at these women who are my friends and see a completion. They are just like me in ways such as humor and passions, but so unlike me in all these tiny little details. They all have things that I do not have that I idealize. I practically worship my girl friends to an unnatural degree. Look at Aine and Erin who are so educated and well read that I’ve often wondered if they think I’m a moron. I never know the names of any of these revolutionary people they speak of who have changed the world. I never heard of any of the books that they’ve read over the past 10 years. Katie has this sort of nonchalant self-confidence that I’ve never known in any other human being on this planet. Laura has such a humble heart and is warm and kind to every creature in this world. There is not a person who is uncomfortable around her because she makes everyone feel welcome. I see these gifts and love these girls for having them.

I think I’ve grown a lot. I think I’ve gained confidence. I’m not sure what form it is in or where and when it arrived, but I feel a little different. I think I’ve learned quite a few lessons from this whole experience. I know there is a lot more I can get out of this, and I need to shoot for it, as soon as I figure out what it is that I want. I learned quite a bit more. I learned about my issues with confrontation. I learned that I need to really let people know how I feel when I feel it. I need to stand my ground. And maybe how I learned this lesson was forced from Coral’s confrontation with me after the Morocco episode, but I still did it. I learned to ignore people who don’t like me and try to make me feel like shit.