It's strange when there is nothing standing as a buffer between now and the rest of your life. There was always school to keep you feeling like you're doing something right without having to make plans. "I'm finishing school, that's my focus." When you come out of it though, well…there are no more excuses. Some people still use the summer. "I just graduated, and I need a last summer to relax before I face the world." Fine, you can get away with that, but JUST barely. In fact, it's really not all that excusable for most. I have this little thingy coming up I'm working out for, like the Yoga video, but totally not, and so that politely stands in my way, helping me avoid the actual world (I will not use the world real ever again without careful consideration.)

It begins with a simple point: What do we want in this world. The truth is, I began believing I craved fame. I just loved the idea of photo shoots, interviews, award ceremonies. I loved the glamour of it all, and I wanted to be a part of it. Things have obviously changed. I'm not crazy about my next paycheck dependent upon whether or not the world thinks I'm worth still receiving one. I don't like the world that much because it's kind of mean to me and to people I love. I don't like that there are some new favorite people in my life over the past few years that are subjected to such bullshit that almost feels like a conspiracy. Granted, I'm glad for the experience because that's how I came to meet these people, but it's just so annoying, you know? It's exhausting, and I can't imagine a whole life and career based out of judgment. So sad too, because it's supposed to be art, but it turns out to be nothing more than a popularity contest, and I never did well in those. I just can't put forth effort into anyone more than my friends, and somehow, I still get hurt when others bash me or someone I love.

This is all an important consideration in what I want to strive for in life. I mean, I was asked by someone lovely the other day if I could stand being in a full-time job that has NOTHING to do with music. I was a bit scared by my answer though strangely relieved at the same time. I could be very happy in a job that has nothing to do with music. I love music. I would love to be a musician. I would love to be competing in American Idol. I would. But I think I could be very happy in a nice, steady job with a steady paycheck while I do some music after work or on weekends. I can see music NOT being my whole life, and I can see myself being happy. Part of me wonders if it's possible to be successful in music if you don't live and breath it every second of the day. I mean, Bjork is obsessed with music. I'm not obsessed, I just love it. I love singing. I love my voice. Can I do something with it? Maybe I'd be happy as long as I kept doing something, even if it wasn't my source of income. I don't know, it's just something to think about.

I've always had a lot of passions, a lot of interests. For a while there I thought that made it a problem for me - I could never focus on one. I think through the course my life, this may help me more than I previously believed. I can't imagine being interested in only one thing, envisioning only ONE path, one future, one career. What if it doesn't work out? What if something unforeseen happens that destroys that life? It's nice to know that there are many things in the world I can imagine enjoying.

I just want to work hard. I never really had a problem with 9 to 5. I mean, it's routine, predictable. You get up and go, you come home, you have your weekends. It always sounded a bit pleasant to me. It might be nice to have that.

God, a steady paycheck. That sounds more exciting to me than anything else. What about paying all my own bills without a dime from anyone else. I'm looking forward to being a grown-up. I'm thankful for my financial opportunities, but I'm excited to be fully on my own one day.

There's other stuff too to talk about here. I just wish I had something that was my own (meaning a job I got on my own.) I mean, I think right now, I'm still half riding on these fucking RW coattails where I'm just one of 80 - all trying to make something of themselves under the evil and repressive glare of the American public who enjoy nothing more than to watch us try and fail. It's too much, and I don't like it. I like aspects of it, certainly, but I feel like I'm in direct competition with every other cast member of all other seasons. It's like this race - who will be the first to "make it," to shed the RW label and become a respected individual/artist/performer among the American viewers. I don't like resenting new casts and upcoming seasons. I don't like making comparisons from my four month experience to another's and who's more "entertaining." It's so bizarre, and I don't like that I still live with it. I'm looking forward to the day that Tuesday night doesn't mean shit to me. Still, I feel hugged against the chest of judgment where I fight the most bizarre of ironies - being judged and ridiculed for assuming that anyone cares to judge or ridicule me anymore. Talk about a hypocrisy that lends to downward spirals.

I want a job that makes me work, that makes me proud. I want to get up everyday and be excited to put effort into something. I want to finally focus on something else so that this silly TV show means nothing to me anymore. No bitterness, no frustration. I'm tired of hating these unseen faces on the Storyboard who single-handedly make or break our international reputations. I wish I could say that it was just something I did that was different and fun, and I was unaffected in every other way.

I'm ashamed that RW has affected my life as much as it has. Not only have I been affected by my own experience, I'm ashamed that I am so affected by others. Remember Prodigal Son? Well, if you haven't read it, then you should. It's a Random Thought somewhere down the list. When it comes to RW, I'm the eldest son all over again, and I'm ashamed of that. I resent those who have been portrayed better than I have when I don't believe they are "better" people than I am. It's ridiculous, and I know it, and that makes it worse. It's easy for an outsider to say, "get over it," but know one understands unless they have lived within the bubble. It would be more than nice to not care, and if there were a way, I would have hoped to find it by now.

I just want to be normal and live a normal life. With my new hair, I'm never recognized, so I feel more normal than most do after the experience. Poor Coral will never hear the end of people screaming out their car windows at her. Me…nothing. And that can be the greatest blessing when you're in errand-mode. However, I just hope I can actually make something of myself. I'm proud of who I am, but you have to keep growing, and I'm tired of standing still. I need to press on and make something of myself. I want to know what I want to be when I grow up, and I want to start growing up and become it. God, I hope a year from now my life has turned for the better in this department. I hope I'm not still calling the temp agency asking if there are any receptionist jobs for the asshole who bounced around like a moron on MTV for a few months. I need a bit more self-respect, and I need it to come from something far from a television channel that has a beach house in Seaside Heights. Have you been to Sleazeside? Yeah, check it out and you'll know what I mean. Give me one more year, and I may be out of the bubble for a good while. I hope so. I need to breathe.