I've been feeling...connected. It's a strange way of putting it. You know when you feel disconnected - separate from everything? Well, have you ever felt a part of everything? Like in Powder - you just start to wonder about life, about purpose, and though you can't think of a single word to describe it or explain it, it's like you just understand everything. I needed something to nourish that feeling so that I could pump out some wisdom if there's any in there to find, so I put on Contact. I know I've talked about it before, and I believe I wrote three papers on it in college for various subjects from Intro to Christian Theology to God & Science. Well, I'm going to talk about it again because the movies Contact and Powder mean the world to me for the very same reasons. Contact is not about aliens. Powder is not about an albino kid. It's about the merging of faith and science, something we have always believed were opposing forces. A long time ago, me and William, this guy who was my best friend in the world for two years before he disappeared into his philosophy books with his girlfriend, we used to have long talks into the night about the universe, about math and religion and where they intersect. We talked about how strange it is that we study all these subjects separately - language, math, science, religion, art - when they are all related to each other. And if you think about it, it seems so logical. So obvious. The relationship between math and language is taught clearly in the movie "Pi" (the symbol. I don't know where the symbol is on my computer.) This is just our intellect we're talking about here. We put that aside and we're dealing with the enormous dimension of the emotional world. This goes above and beyond anything else. However, the emotional world is linked so entirely to the mathematical and scientific world that sometimes it feels nearly impossible to narrow all that exists down to one clear understanding. It's a cycle. You cannot comprehend one without the other, so where do you begin? It's about energy, its meaning, its translation into life. I know I'm not being very clear, but like I said, when you're thinking about everything at once and basing it off an emotion you don't know how to verbalize - you end up with this previous paragraph.

But if it all matches up so perfectly, if everything plays a part in everything else, if things all really do align each to make the existence of something else possible, if it is true that if this universe was created slightly differently, with a different pattern by the smallest amount of difference one could ever possibly measure - then none of this would have happened...if all this is true - then how can we believe that we do not have a purpose? And if we do indeed have a purpose, this purpose cannot be just associated with our small societies, with our countries, with our planet alone. If each of us singly has a purpose, this purpose goes beyond even the lengths and depths of the universe as we know it and even farther than we imagined it. If all of creation exists in relation to all of creation, then we as individuals play an important role in all that ever was, ever is, and ever will be. Do I just sound crazy? I know this isn't well researched, and I know I have put in no effort for phrasing and editing. These thoughts are just streaming, and for some reason, they make perfect sense to me right now. They may not make sense to me tomorrow, and I'll return to having concerns about money, about my hair, and about the most minute, insignificant details that together form what is my life, but for right now, I feel very comforted. I don't think that means that I'll last forever. It may mean that I may have already fulfilled my purpose though I may never be made aware of it. It may mean that even if we do indeed have a purpose - we may not always achieve it, and that may not always be our fault. I don't know.

These thoughts are conflicting. In one respect, I believe in fate - I believe that everything is as it was meant to be, even when it feels like a mistake. On the other hand, I believe that we have control over what our fate is, or at least Fate lines some things up for us, but it's up to us to actually make it happen. I can't decide between the two because they both make so much sense. It's like in the Alchemist - the universe is constantly supplying us with signs so that we may discover and live out our destinies - our Personal Legend as I discussed in Driven. We forever have the option to just quit when our Personal Legend calls us forward. Maybe that's the beauty in our freedom - according to my studies in a Jesuit university, freedom is the one true gift from God. He knows everything, He sees our destiny, He leads us towards it, but it is up to us to fulfill it.

But going back to what I was saying about our roles in this huge universe. God, watching the beginning of Contact puts tears in my eyes. I barely need to watch the rest of the movie to feel the inspiration that one two-minute segment gives me. We're so small. I know that sounds so trite. Everyone says that, so we forget to really concentrate on it, but we are really really tiny. But we often say how small and insignificant we are, but my point is that even though we are so small, we are so significant. This universe, it's just enormous, and I believe 100% that there is more out there. I look at Ellie Arroway and think about how much enthusiasm she has, how she dedicates all her life, all her energy to science, to truth - but how it's even more sentimental than that. She searches to fill the gaps we can feel, not just see. She sees how small we are, how much space there is out there, and wonders who is out there, staring right back at us from millions of light years away, who is also feeling so alone, and wondering if there's anyway to reach out of where they are to connect with someone else, with us.

"See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other."

I've rarely been religious on this site. I don't even know if I've ever made it clear that I do believe in God. Well, I do. I don't know much about Him, and I don't believe He isn't necessarily what we're told He is according to any one religion. I think we (as a human race) have made up a few things about Him that aren't true. I used to be really close to Him. Then I was pissed off for a while because I was a teenager, and it's my job to be pissed off at that age. Now, we sort of have a silent agreement. We don't talk much, but I've stopped blaming him for most of my problems. That's a healthy step.

Anyway, I still don't know at all what it is that I'm supposed to do. I don't know what it is I'm good at, why I'm here, and if it'll ever feel clear to me. I just like feeling like there's hope for it all, you know? I like the idea that I think about it enough to keep me in check. I hope I get some answers soon, and I hope I can do whatever it is I'm supposed to do before it's too late.