I've been thinking about Real World a lot recently. I'm sure it's just because of the Challenge airing and a few old familiar feelings coming back, a few good, a few not so good. I'm definitely more emotionally stable than I was. In fact, that is quite the understatement. I feel much more grounded, much more full of direction and confidence back then, which isn't saying much about my confidence now, but saying a lot about how insecure I was then. I think about how dorky being a Real Worlder after you've been one, but how cool it really felt when I was auditioning. I've had a long talk about it recently with a special someone, and there's no denying that it was unbelievably exhilirating at the time. I was very happy and full of hope. I thought my future would just open up after the show, and I have to say that some things came out of it that I wasn't expecting, that were far more than I ever dreamed could happen to me. For that, I will never ever regret having done the show, no matter what size my identity-crisis was for the year that followed it. Still, there is no question that I made many mistakes while I was there. In the few speaking engagements I was asked to attend, we were always asked if we had any regrets. My fellow speakers almost always said, "No, I was being real and that was all I could do." I've never felt that way. The list of my regrets has only grown, and I've decided to put them together and write them here. I mean, why not? Every other opinion I've had about it are on this site...


1. I don't like my clothes. I wore what was in whenever it was in, even if the trend lasted five minutes. I was already embarrassed about what I wore the first day I was there by the day I moved out of the apartment. I should have gone with things more timeless.

2. I should have downplayed the Kevin thing. I knew it would be a plotline. I was interested in him, I didn't even move into the "liking him" phase. Just interested. I handled the situation like I would in my normal life - being WAY too honest about my feelings, not being able to wait for a reaction but just going for it and going for it until I won, talking about it to anyone who would listen, swallowing all my pride because I don't mind flattering a person even if they are rejecting me. I don't regret that this is the way I handled situations like that in life, but I regret that I was so naive to being on TV. Though it is the Real World, the only one who will suffer from being truly "real" is yourself. The world doesn't like real people, they like people they can admire. Wearing your heart on your sleeve may be admirable, but it is a joke on TV.

3. Not being more forward about my feelings about what was going on in the house. I acted like you do in real life, which doesn't translate well when cameras catch all your "venting" which can quickly become "shit-talking" when observed. I am NOT confrontational, but I could have confronted those that upset me in my own way rather than avoiding it altogether. I should have told everyone that how they were acting was negative and uncomfortable and selfish. I should have reminded them how poorly it would look on TV. I should have reminded them (and myself) that we were HERE to experience new people and new things, and that it was obvious that we wouldn't get along, but we had to work through it because it was WHY we were here.

4. Not doing more confessionals. Confessional is your opportunity to really be heard. Not taking it is not backing up your actions.

5. Not speaking up for my beliefs. I should have told Coral and Nicole that I liked the guys and that they should give them a chance, but instead I was too worried about them making fun of me for defending them. I should have stood my ground, but I was chicken shit.

6. I should have given Mike a chance earlier on. He had a good heart, even if he could get annoying, but maybe if I learned to love him rather than fighting against him, I could have had a better time. I could have had another good friend from the beginning.

7. Not talking to Nicole more. I really liked the girl and we had a lot of good talks. Though she seemed to get upset sometimes when I wasn't expecting it and I found it difficult to help the situation, I still would have liked to laugh with her more.

8. Talking about singing. I shouldn't have even mentioned it, or at least discussed it as much as I did. First of all, I hate talking about singing. I always, always have. I love singing, but when people make me talk about it, I'm annoyed - no matter WHAT the situation. Secondly, I hadn't even graduated school. I had NO idea what I wanted to do with my life. I STILL don't. I set it up so that it looked like I had this life purpose, and then my character had this purpose, and then the viewers would wonder if I "made it." I should have just enjoyed singing and stopped making it an issue, a plotline.

9. I should have NEVER allowed myself to be filmed singing if I didn't sound great. Singing with my headphones on was the worst mistake I made while I was there, and the fact that it aired, well - I blamed the editors for a while, but it was my fault. I gave them the opportunity to show me as sounding horrible, and I regret it so much.

10. Kissing Jisela. Just obvious. I haven't gotten any shit from it, it was never a big deal, but there are people in my life now who don't enjoy looking back on that, and I feel bad that they had to see it.

11. Not going out more. It was cold. It was New York and you have to pay $30 for a bud lite. We had no money, and going out isn't fun when you're single if there aren't quality people to flirt with. Also, it was difficult to find a place that was cool with a camera crew coming in to disrupt the ambiance. Still, I should have lived it up and enjoyed the city.

12. Not forcing Dave to record with me while we were there. That was just stupid of us, even though he had his thesis to work on. A lot could have come from that for both of us. It was stupid. That's all I can say.


That's all I can think of for now, but it's quite a lot of things, especially considering most RWers can't name one. I made a lot of mistakes that I truly did not know I was making. I feel better having written this though.